{Story Review}

Story Reviewer:

aeru @ Enticing Perfection Request Shop

Story Title:

We Are Stuck in This Together

Story Author:

seafoamrxn

Click Here to Read

Title [ 3/5 ]

Is it eye catching and makes me want to read it?

Title isn’t really amazing or bad, just normal. It’s titles like these that I read and skip to the description to give me more information.

Description/Foreword/Prolouge [ 2/5 ] 

How well do you describe the story to attract readers? Do you use the foreword section well (sneak peek)?

Something that I see a lot of with fan fictions in general is putting some sort of “think about this,” philosophical-type prose as the first thing a person reads in the description area. Personally, I find this extremely annoying because it tells me nothing about the story itself; rather, it gives me some vague, random theme that comes out only a few times within the plot of the story.  Eventually you get to what the story is about, but the reader has to go through that prose bit, and then the characters to get there. Also, you have a clearly labeled foreword section, so it is unnecessary to have one in the description section; what you have put in your self labeled foreword section should actually be the first thing the reader sees as a part of the description. Should you choose to move things around, here is how I think it would look best:

In an arranged marriage by their fathers, Moon Jongup and Nam Hayeon are stuck together. No matter how much she dislikes him, they will soon be man and wife. Will their marriage be ruined by her cold temper towards his warm efforts?

Sometimes all we need is time and distance to understand and trust. Don’t blame people for disappointing you. Blame yourself for expecting too much.

[Character introductions/descriptions]

You don’t need the stuff that I’ve left out, including the little bit about Hayeon turning around and being introduced to Jongup. We know that they have been set up in an arranged marriage by someone they trust (fathers) so it becomes repetitive if you include it. As for the actual foreword section, I think what you have there is fine. An author's note isn't always read, but it nice to have for those who do like to know how the story came about or is progressing, and also to learn a bit about the author.

Originality [ 7/10 ]

The originality from our point of view. Have I read this story anywhere? Did you plagiarize the story?

It's an arranged marriage fic. There are only so many of these that a person can read before it becomes a game of "Which Fic is More Cliché?" That is not to say that I think your story is boring. I actually really like your story (I subscribed for more :D). However, I think the reason I stuck with this is because I feel like there are times within it that you take the focus off of the "these are rich kids who are forced into this by their money hungry parents" and put it on the relationship between Jongup and Hayeon. In fact, one of my favorite things about this story so far is that you haven't mentioned their parents too much. They are the antagonists to Jongup and Hayeon, but it's good that the reader doesn't see them too much because then it would remove some of the focus from our two protagonists. However, there are some areas where you fall into the trap of having some clichéd scenes and characters (See storyline/character section). 

Flow [ 8/10 ]

Do we find it confusing? 

Are you writing in third person omniscient? If so, you are doing a great job. Just make sure that any flash backs, memories, side thoughts, etc. are clearly distinguished from what's going on in the main story. It gets confusing otherwise.

Storyline/Character [ 20/30 ]

Do we like the storyline? How good are you at describing and developing the characters?

 I am seeing some huge holes within your storyline, as well as some very obvious character types and pitfalls.

There were only two things that really jumped out at me as being very unoriginal and overused. The first comes in first chapter, when Jongup and Hayeon bump into each other on the street. I knew right away what was going to happen next, and it was painful to have to wait until you formally introduced her as Nam Hayeon. This is a scene that I think you can just take right out. We don't get any information about Jongup's character here besides physical description, and the information that we do get about Hayeon's character is rehashed in future parts of the chapter. 

The other thing that jumped out at me comes in chapter 5. In an arranged marriage fic it is not uncommon for the two mains to have had former lovers. In fact I would be surprised if they didn't have any former lovers (especially at the age that you have placed your characters). The issue here is that you have introduced him in a way that is going to have a mine field of cliché potholes. At this point it is very tempting to have a scene that unfolds where Hayeon has some sort of emotional freak out (be it public or internal); Junhyung does something that makes Hayeon yearn for him (or acts cold to her because of the circumstances of their breakup); Jongup feels left out, jealous, confused, or some combination thereof of the three; Zelo and Ryujae try to do some damage control; and all of the unimportant tertiary characters are wondering what the heck kind of K-Drama they have stepped into this time. Unfortunately, scenes like these are almost unavoidable. If your goal is to introduce Jongup to Junhyung's character, maybe having a first-meeting scene that doesn't involve Hayeon would be better, especially if you intend to have Jongup and Junhyung not like each other. That way, when Hayeon does come into the picture, it will be a lot more rewarding for the reader to see her try and figure out the relationship between her soon-to-be-husband and her ex-lover.

As far as characters go specifically, you have got to do a bit more character development with Jongup and Hayeon before introducing more of the characters. At this point, all we know about them is what you give in the descriptions, and how much they don't like each other from the actual chapters. A good way to expand on their characters is to have some time with either of them separate from the other. Here are some questions to ask yourself when further developing your characters:

- What is the thing that has frightened you most? Do you think there is anything out there that's scarier than that? What do you think that would be?

-What do you do when you are bored?

- Do you have any feelings in general that you are disturbed by? What are they? Why do they disturb you?

Pretend that you are doing an interview with your characters and ask them these questions. Use "their" answers to help you further flesh out how they appear in the story. To find more questions, click here or here. You want to do the same, even for your secondary and tertiary characters, as it makes them seem more real and relatable to the reader.

You don't want Junhyung and Hyukmi's characters turning into the simple, very overdone jealous/spiteful ex-lovers that try and do whatever they can to get Haeyeon and Jongup back (respectively). Nor do you want Hayeon and Jongup to become these flat characters that unrealistically try to make something work where it obviously won't, or try to form some sort of deal to be married, but detached from each other or something ridiculous like that. If your goal is to make Hyukmi detestable, then do it in the way that is NOT the "scheming ex" ploy. How about making her a rather nice person who gets along with Hayeon, while still fighting for Jongup's heart (if you want her to fight for his heart that is)? Personally, I like antagonists like this more. It gives me a reason to not like them, while also making them slightly more respectful. As for Junhyung, I would find him a lot more interesting if he had completely moved on from Hayeon, but wants to get back with her not because he has feelings for her, but just because he dislikes Jongup. It wouldn't be totally unrealistic (I have personal experience with people like this) and it would also give you a way to have that one awful character that everyone hates. 

Clarity [ 2/5 ]

The font, size and color of the font. Paragraph or space.

For the most part, you write pretty clearly. Again, there is always room for improvement. Mostly, my issue lies with the font. I think your story would read better in a font like Georgia, size 14. Also, make sure that you have proper spacing between your paragraphs. There should be at least one line of space between each of your paragraphs. For example (this is just a sample of my own writing):

The next guy she had dated, or rather guys, also proved to be trouble. She had been seeing one guy from her part-time University job named Kellan. What she didn't know was that, as an experiment to see if they really did look alike, Kellan and his brother Max, would switch on dates with her. She didn't even know Kellan had a brother, much less a twin, so imagine her surprise when she saw the two shopping for matching fedoras one day.

After the twins, there was Francois (the Diva dancer), Axel (the dead-beat, wannabe Bass player), and Iorek (the Swedish exchange student in her Graduate Statistics class). After that, she had settled for the occasional one-night stand, and casual make-out session, but she hadn't been actively looking for a relationship since she got her masters in marketing two years ago. 

Note that there is at least one blank line between the paragraphs. This is very important because it breaks things up and gives the eyes somewhere to rest before moving on to the next paragraph.

Another thing that you have to fix is starting a new paragraph when there is a new idea or dialogue that happens between characters. You fix this by the fifth chapter, which is good, but it would be to your advantage to go through and correct the mistake in the first four chapters. It is both confusing and distracting for the reader to have to decipher which character is saying what things, and I think readers would enjoy it more if they didn't have to do this.

Grammar/Writing [ 18/20 ]

Grammar and punctuation.

For the most part, your grammar and punctuation is right on target. Little mistakes that can be fixed with a simple double check over your work before publishing. The one thing that I see the most is with dialogue, and placing a comma before the closing comma, and when action follows. For example:

"We are together." Jongup protested.

Should be:

"We are together," Jongup protested.

This only applies to dialogue that is followed by adjectives describing how it was said, or if you want to indicate who said it. For instance, you wouldn't have to use the comma if it said:

"We are together." Jongup didn't wait for the waitress and instead went to find a table for Hayeon and himself.

Other than that, you do a pretty good job at keeping things grammatically correct.

Bonus/Comment  [ 15/15 ]

Overall enjoyment. How are the graphics and background?

I like both your background and your poster. Also, the layout in the description/foreword is pretty awesome, too.

Final Score: [75/100]