themightyrocklee’s Review of Crappy One Shots ft. Jung Jinyoung (By BaNaNa_Bana) [Chapter 3]

Title(10/10)

The title is interesting. It makes the reader want to know why you want it to rain.

Appearance (18/20)

The font you use is small. It’s a bit hard on the eyes, especially for me because I have glasses. That picture of Jinyoung you used is adorable!

Characters(10/15)

The characters aren’t really developed much. Because this is a oneshot, it is vital to make your characters as distinct as possible in a short amount of text. Jinyoung’s situation is an interesting and I would like to see that explained more. Other than being either uninterested, or completely confused, the main character, Je Gun, seems to be kind of vague. Her reactions are also very extreme, although this maybe on purpose.

Grammar/Spelling(20/25)

“I did some bizarre things to keep myself awake, like slapping my face and passing a ballpoint pen between my nose and mouth, but none of those worked, so I gave up. I crossed my arms so that I could rest my head. It was the perfect spot and I easily drifted to sleep.” <--- My corrections are in bold. Also, your tenses change back and forth so watch out for that.

“My head hurts and I twitched in pain” <--- ‘throbbed’ would sound better than hurts. Hurts is present tense, twitched is past tense.

“I was not wearing my uniform anymore, instead a sleeveless, pastel pink dress with a big, carnation pink ribbon at the middle” <---- I was not wearing my uniform anymore. Instead, I was in a sleeveless, pastel pink dress with a big, carnation pink ribbon in the middle.

I was in the middle of battling my thoughts when I heard a rustle from the corner.

I’m going to stop here. I understand that English is not your first language, so I applaud your effort in this story. If I were you, I would just watch out for the tense issue.

Plot/Flow(20/30)

While the plot isn’t all that original, that was a nice little twist in the end. I’m not quite sure how I feel about it, but the surprise was good. The overall flow was slightly awkward, but that comes more from grammatical errors than anything else. I wonder, however, what Jinyoung means at the end when he says “Let it rain”.

Overall Score (78/100)