aaah, ok i was alittle bit hasistant to post this, but im sick of it and i decided to post it.

it would mean a lot to me if you read this, yes its long. take it as if ur reading a story but its not fiction, its real.

I’m sick of my life, I’m not allowed to go out of my house. Why? There is no reason, just because they don’t feel like it, if I ask why, they say "don’t ask me why".

if I was sick or sleeping or doing anything and I passed by them all they say is order me around or say, "did you have enough of your laptop or your Korean?". You know what? Actually I am sick of you guys. When I was small, my mom called me fat all the time, she tells me I eat too much and I’m not healthy and that I don’t move or exercise. It hurtled me too much, did you know how many nights I cried in my room alone? How many times i wished for it to stop?, no you don’t know anything but u think you know everything don’t about me and how I feel, no you’re wrong again, you don’t. guess why i eat too much and i go play outside or why I’m always by ur side, because my cousins and aunts hated me, they also hated me for being fat and too natural which makes me look stupid to them. when mom asks me why i dont play with them, i answered at first "because they are boring and im not interested in whatever they do". but after i though she can help me so i told her that they dont want me, you see i was 8 and i thought mom would fix it for me, but it gotten worse. she scolded them which made them hate me and despised me even more than ever, my cousins pitied me and i hated it, it burned me.

i was all alone. so i got a hobby of drawing, and i was good at it. "at last ! Something im good at!" i felt happy and i got complimented and i felt for the first time that my heart was satisfied and full. i was little, i was selfish, i wanted more attention but drawing wasnt enough. age 9, i was the trouble maker at my school, but i had good stable marks, why? Because i tried to be nice and natural to my cousins and aunts, but it didnt work, i didnt have friends, i was all alone again, drawing wasnt enough. So when i was in the second grade i decided to skip classes, make my own gang, make troubles and make the boys of my school and every single person in my school know me and fear me. Why? Because i wanted to be loved, i wanted attention, from anyone. thats not the only reason why, when i was at the first grade i was deceived by two childhood friends, i was really hurt because those two child hood friends were siblings, she was like a sister i never had, and he was more than a friend i guess, first kinder garden love maybe? but it hurt. i was little, i cried but then started to hate them, my bad attitudes weren’t only for attention, it was a warning to them that im not going fall because of them, im going to show you that im not week and i did. i showed them and they regretted it.

even though i was bad at school i kept my grades high so that my parents give me all their love and their full attention on me and i got it, i was satisfied. Until my little brother started to make big problems and kept moving schools, and all the attention was gone.

Years passed and all the attention was on my other 5 siblings, I wasn’t jealous at all, instead I understood that they needed attention the most and that I was old enough to take care of myself. When I was in the fifth grade I changed, I became more quiet, I followed my parents every step and did what they want, it went on for years and I never a thank you word that came from their mouths and that they did need it and I never got credit instead  I was used as a tool for them to teach my siblings to became like me, they will never will become like me because they got the attention until now and they never will have the same experience as me, ever.

When I turned11 I realized I was not in their picture, I was in a picture alone that was written on, fat, ugly, why can’t you become like that person? That person is better!. “don’t compare yourself to someone else!”, where did these words u told go? I was seen to them as lazy, fat, useless, fat, sitting on the laptop her life. I asked my mom if she doesn’t like me sitting on the laptop then what does she want me to do? What should I do to make her happy and satisfied with me?, she answered, “I don’t know…cook!...create something!”. What if I wasn’t interested in them? But believe me I tried it, it wasn’t as fun as drawing and I at it, I tried multiple time but I failed, I got sick. If I tell mom something hurt or I feel tiered her answer will always be “there is too much fat” or “you sat on the screen too much", i got sick of it so i started to aid myself as much as i can, but iwas 13 and i didnt know much so i still asked her and got a worser wound.

you keep blaming my love to kpop and Koreans, and u keep bashing them and talking the worse about them, yet im holding. i got annoyed at first but i got sick of it, what they think doesnt matter to me all. yes i might be not mannered by writing this whole thing but i wanted to show my feelings and manners will not help me send the message. the funny thing is if my dad read this he may understand what the words are saying but my mom doesnt know english.

 yes, im tired of it, im sick of it, i feel like suffocating, but im not stupid enough to run away or commit suicide because i know it will never fix anything. I’ll be strong, I’ll hold to whatever i can, even if it means im being loved or not, i dont care anymore. but how long will i hold on? is my question.

Can you help me? you want me to talk with them? that won’t work, because i tried and im tired or being cut, ignored, shouted at and worse, getting misunderstood. i dont know what to do anymore, i think that it’s about time that i will fall, not soon, not far, but someday.