Virus by ElleJacobs

reviewed by aznawzmao

Title: 5/5

Simple, yet so stark that it’s intriguing. No complaints here.

Foreword/Description: 10/10

I really liked the introduction until the ending where it says “This is my story.” I mean the previous sentence that says “that I would be one of the “lucky” ones” or whatever just already stated that. Personally I would omit that ending, but it’s up to you.

Everything else is really nice.

Appearance: 5/5  

The black veins everywhere and the alternating posters are really nice and set up the mood very well.

Plot: 15/15

Really nice exposition and rising action. I think I have a good idea of what the is going to be, but I have no idea what direction you’ll take for the falling action. I guess that’s a good thing? Keep it up!

Originality: 15/15

I’ve never heard of the concept of a virus used in this way, of a soulmate being lost and whatnot. I’m so jealous! It’s such a great idea that can be expanded on. You’re also doing well on keeping the concept alive, with the tingling of the arm and having the legend mentioned now and then.

Grammar and Spelling: 12/20

Capitalize every time you use the pronoun “I”. You forget only half the time but still…

Also capitalize the beginning of sentences.

“It was Sandy the restaurants head baker.” Commas and apostrophes are your best friends! Especially since this sentence contains an appositive. So, revision: “It was Sandy, the restaurant’s head baker.”

Two sentences after that, you have a HUGE LONG sentence, the one that starts with “With her small stature…”. Shorten it up. I’m not saying you can’t have exquisite ideas displayed over multiple lines, but this is almost screaming “RUN ON!”

“came a long with a short temper” along

“Paying you’re rent on time?” your.

Don’t capitalize the beginning of clauses if they’re not the beginning of the sentence. Ex: “I mean, Why the hell not?” Also “and headed towards A new class i decided to take”

Urgh are you typing this on your phone or something? Because I’m typing this up on Word and it autocorrected my lower case I’s. <-like that. –shrugs-

In chapter 4, chapter 5 according to AFF, you say “Me? Falling in love. Now wouldn’t that be a sight” or something along those lines. I would suggest saying “Me? Falling in love?”

“I grabbed onto my body pillow and flailed about on my bed; Similar to a fish out of the water.”

You use semicolons when the second part is an independent clause, where it can stand on its own as a sentence. “Similar to a fish out of the water.” <-is that a sentence? (My autocorrect just created a green squiggle and it’s probably going to tell me that what I’ve written is a fragment…) I think this one of the few times where you didn’t use a semicolon correctly, but still, be careful! You should really use a comma in there instead. Also “onto” is a bit awkward. Maybe just revise the whole thing to “I grabbed my body pillow and flailed about on my bed, similar to a fish out of the water.”

disragard<-disregard.

I think you get my drift here. Most of your mistakes are simple and they don’t really impede on the flow and understanding of your story, but they easily pop out when I look for them. Maybe try saying your story aloud-that usually helps me with punctuation and awkward wording and stuff.

I hope you don’t mind, but here are some links to comics I think would be helpful for you. They’re creatively written and drawn, so hopefully they’ll stick to your brain better and come to haunt you when you’re updating. I’m not saying you make all the mistakes they address, but they definitely cover the simple mistakes you’re making.

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/apostrophe

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/misspelling

You’re doing VERY WELL on sentence structure. Good job! I’m just giving you the stuff that makes your sentences more presentable and appealing to the eye. Not all readers will be distracted by lack of capitalization, but you never know.

Characterization: 10/10

I don’t know if Alis is cynical because her refusal to believe in the virus or she doesn’t want to get into a romance because of it, but it’s really refreshing. Also her sarcastic and spazzing attempts make her relatable. Even the background characters aren’t dull, Ely, Sara, Kevin, and the rest. I would love to see a different side of Doojoon, but I don’t think we’re at that part of the story where I’ll expect it.

Flow: 9/10

Everything is paced out nicely until Chapter 9. I feel like that was a little sudden. I wanted to see the awkwardness and everything that comes up with a new relationship! Instead you skipped a month. I understand, since you want to get to all the important parts and stuff, but it slightly fragmented the story. That’s my taste though.

Overall Enjoyment: 9/10

I really liked the story, which is why I chose to review it. :P Although I’m a bit scarred from the grammar and spelling mistakes now, the story still has a profound impression on me. Can’t wait to see what you come up next! Hwaiting!

Total: 90/100