sorry this might be depressing. sorry for the use of no capitals. sorry to anyone i hurt this past week. sorry i wasn't a better friend.

have any of you ever lost a friend? was it because of a fight? was it out of jealousy? raise your hand if it was because of death.

one of my dearest friends is (i won't say was, i just won't) someone i've never met in person. i considered her my little sister. i wrote Filial Simplicity for her. i'd only known her for a year, but it was a very long and very rough year for us both.

something happened between us last week. i'm not even entirely sure what it was. she was under huge stress, so was i. she felt trapped and so did i. we unfortunately turned to each other at the same time, and neither of us were able to support the other at that exact moment. words were had, misunderstandings happened on both sides. it was by no means one-sided. but the way things ended were so final, i have reason to believe she may have taken her own life. she had tried at least three times this year, and failed each time. until recently i always felt she'd been hangin' on perhaps only to please me...or i may have been a 'goal' for her to look forward to...like if she stuck around, one day we could meet face to face. but last week, she gave up. she told me that she would now dispapear from my life, and that then i would forget her very existence. i wrote her several emails explaining i had no choice but to keep her in my memory. because she was already so deep in my heart. how could i just 'forget'? has she forgotten me? i wonder if she could. i don't think she could be that heartless, could she? i really don't believe so.

there are two options to the apparent end to our connection. she decided in a moment of fright and feeling wrongly betrayed (by me not being there for her at the exact moment she needed me), that she could no longer be friends with me. or she decided we would no longer uphold our invisible connection because she would cease to exist altogether. what she didn't seem to understand was that killing herself wouldnt' make me forget her. even if she didnt' want to stay friends, but continued on with her distressing personal situation, i wouldn't forget what we had meant to each other. all those emails, all those hours crying online together, being there for each other, soothing each other when one of us, or both of us were so down that nobody else could possibly understand what we were feeling. nobody but each other.

some people hearing this story, have told me to basically treat her as that 'stupid goldfish' that a 6-year old will cry over as mom or dad carelessly flushes him down the toilet. like she didn't mean anything simply because we were divided by geography.

my friend, my sister...she wasn't a feelingless 'stupid' goldfish. she wasn't a monster like she thought she was. she was my sister.

miss you sis, wonder if you'll ever see this. i'm sorry for everything.