It's been a hectic period; not the worst per se but the month has been persistent in having a streak of stressful glory. And I guess coupled with fluctuating hormones and the like have made for a thoughful past hour. Partly in the six minute long shower nonetheless.

This is a post about insecurities, it's about friendship, it's about keeping them and its about being selfish. I never thought in my (minimal) twenty years of existence I'd ever experience the harrowing existence of being friendless. And I have not. Thank the Lord.

As I walk around church and through the halls of my university I see friends. Friends with ties that run deep and hold strong. And then I wonder to myself 'do I have that?'. It's been overused but I currently sympathize with the term 'being in a room full of people and feeling alone'.

I do have friends. Pretty good ones at that. I've got a best friend that I've spent a good eight years growing up with. She moved away when we were fifteen and  honestly, things aren't the same. We talk, we visit once a year but there's nothing bigger than that physical distance. I feel it and we both know there's the elephant in the room, we just don't speak about it. I still hold her very dear and I'm sure it's a mutual thing; we're both pretty sentimental individuals :D And she will always hold the BFF title. Because 'till death do us part. Heh.

I've had made lots of good friends growing up. I've made many more superficial ones, but, the numbers even out pretty well. Yet, it feels that everyone I allow in, leaves. The friends I've made in church, in school, in college and now in uni. And they've all left/leaving, one by one (for studies of course) and the only way to describe how I feel is the feeling of being left behind.

I dread being left behind. It's probably the only thing I hate more than bloody change. It's selfish, but my line of thought is 'if anyone I love ever passes, let it be me.' because I can't deal with the thought of losing someone. Some thing I gotta deal with, obviously :D

Oh, great. I lost my train of thought after that smiley.

The next question I ask myself is 'Why can't you keep those friends? Distance? Pah, humbug!'.

Naively, I've always thought I could do it; keeping in touch with people far away and staying as close-knitted as ever. Boy, have I been proven wrong. I get busy, life throws its mandatory lemons, friends get busy, then there's that bloody thing called timezones. And then I find myself losing them slowly but surely. The difference in environment starts showing and the common threads that hold us together start unravelling. But we pretend, we keep up the facade. I digress.

It hurts watching friends laugh at their own jokes, make plans for laters, talk about their online chats while I just sit there smiling and absorbing how alone I feel. And I think to myself, 'I WANT THAT'. All these years, I've spent a good portion of my life being the kind of friend to turn to when you've got a problem, when you need a shoulder to cry on. It sounds like I'm tooting my own horn but I say it because I've honestly strived to be that person. To be available.

I lived thinking that I couldn't be weak because I needed to strong be able to offer comfort and not drown in my own misery. And selfishly, my actions were driven by my need to be needed. That, I think, is the root of my biggest insecurity.

But I do want someone who'd be there. I want someone constant. I want someone my life can revolve around. I want someone special I'd drop anything for and someone who can do the same for me. Then again, doesn't everyone else?

Conclusively, I know I've got lots more room to grow. To shed the chains of my insecurities; not easy and some thing I'm not entirely certain that I can accomplish. But I'll try :D