Personal Experience.
This is an answer for moon_child and... Yeah... It's personal experience, so yeah... lol
That really surprised me, the post you wrote. I've never thought about it that way and while I was reading what you wrote, I saw myself remembering my own experiences.
I don't quite know what category I'm in... Because I was always an outcast, but I suffered from bullying too. I suffered from bullying since my young days in school until I was 11 or so. I was crying everyday and when I was 11 - which was the worst year in my entire life - I wouldn't even like to go to school. I was always sick, but I didn't knew that I was already being depressed. At that time, I was always sleeping. I couldn't be awake, it seemed that the most I slept, the most tired I was. My classmates called me "demon" and constantly humiliated me. And when I was crying in the class, they would call me a cry baby. It wasn't only my classmates, but the entire school. The girl who hated me had a brother that everyone feared, so because of him, everyone started to avoid me too. I made a promise to myself at that time that I would never cry in front of anyone, so I was swallowing everything they said and did to me, to let it out when I would go back to my home. My parents were really worried, my sister said to me that she cried alone, but at that time, I didn't saw any of it. They kinda avoided me because they didn't knew what to do, so I misunderstood them. I thought that, just like my teachers, they didn't care about me, that I was alone, but I wasn't.
I remember seeing my mother one time in the director's office, crying, while she was screaming at one kid that called me a demon in front of her. It felt surreal, I was beside her, but it seemed that I was watching something in a TV for example. I couldn't feel anything.
I remember the last day of school in that hell of place. I've never cried so much, I think. I spent hours crying, because I couldn't take it... A girl sat beside me and started to talk to me, to see if I could feel better, and she did. She is one of the fewest good memories that I have from that school. I was wondering why it took me so long to talk to her, since the school was not a big one. She was always alone too, but I never really saw her. She said to me that she was alone because she wanted. And she said the bad things that were occurring with her and I saw how minimum my problems were and I was there, crying like a stupid girl, but she was smiling. I regret that it was the only time when I actually talked to her. I remember that one time, one of my teachers made me sat at her side in a outing that my school had, because nobody from my class wanted to sit beside me and I had to go to another bus, with the older kids. I was so tired at that time, that I don't even tried to say hi to her, because I thought that she was just as the other kids.
Remembering everything used to make me cry. At least until I was 17 or so. But then, when I was in another school, I didn't believe in anyone. I thought that everyone was equal, you know? But I wasn't suffering from bullying. But I was experiencing something like SeungHo in Harmony, and you, moon_child, in your personal life. I was an outcast. Everyone seemed to be perfect in their rainbows eyes, but I knew better, I new how people can be hard to one another. Their talks were so superficial, but I do found friends in there. I didn't cared about beeing accepted, because in my mind, that was never going to happen. I saw everyone doing everything to be accepted, but I was always pushing people away from me.
But then, I knew this girl. Even though I would treat her bad, she never given up to try to be my friend. She is really sweet and now, she is my best friend. And then, came some other people, that she introduced me to, but I didn't trust anyone, yet. I was still in my depression because of years of bullying, and I started to put in my mind that I would never be able to fit in anything, in anyplace. I drown myself in anime, manga and jrock, especially this one band that the lyrics were always to depressive, as much as I was at that time. There's this one song that I can't hear even now without crying. It's called Mushi from a band called Dir en Grey. The lyrics are really something to me, you know. Theres another song, called Kodou from the same band, which is one really special song to me, I have plans to get a tattoo of it name.
I felt really empty... I couldn't cry anymore, because of my promise, but then, I couldn't cry for anything. I was just surviving, I couldn't smile, and when I was smiling, it didn't reached my eyes. Everything seemed so fake and I didn't care about anyone. I still didn't knew how my sister and my parents felt when I was suffering from bullying, so I was filled with hatred, deception, frustration. I didn't trust in them... And they made everything worse. They saw how I was, they feared my state, and they tried something like an anger management with me, which got everything worse.
My mind was completely messed up and I started to develop insomnia and, well... I was really fat at that time lol So I lost weight too quickly, because I couldn't eat. I didn't felt the taste and I always had those stomach aches, which I later learned that I had developed nervous gastritis. Later, I had those emotional breakdowns, which I was crying without reason and it was when I started to hurt myself. Firstly, I would beat the back of my head at the walls, because I wanted to stop crying. But after a while, I started to cut myself. I didn't wanted to commit suicide, I just wanted to feel something, to feel that I wasn't empty inside. And it worked, it made me feel better, I didn't felt the pain, I felt good, it made the crying stop. I still have some scars, but I don't cut myself anymore. It hurts SO much only to put the blade in my body, it's kinda funny, because I didn't felt anything before, that's why I cut so deep.
I felt as everyone were dolls, you know that feeling? As they didn't exist. It's... Strange, but I felt that way.
But I'm better now. I'm happy, I understand everybody, but I do have my ups and downs, I still don't like children and I still fell sick when I see someone from that school and I still have some problems to trust people and I still have self-esteem problems. I still have bad migraines, but not compared to before. I don't want to feel that way never again...
So, yeah... That's it. I do believe that everyone that has been through it in life, cherish life, cherish small things. We see everything with different eyes, because we need it.
Sorry for any grammar mistakes, I'll fix it later ;;
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