Title: (8/10)

 

There’s something about your title that makes me feel just a little bit…awkward? I’m not really sure how to explain it. I think that the problem is that the word ‘the’ isn’t really needed in the title; Undiscovered Mysteries sounds just fine to me. If you want to place the word ‘the’ in the title, then the more correct way of phrasing it would be The Undiscovered Mystery. As to the relation to the story, I can tell from the description how it relates. But since you have yet to write that part in the story, I can’t exactly grade you for something you haven’t written yet so I didn’t dock points for that.

 

Appearance: (9/10)

 

To be honest, I feel that the background doesn’t really match the story. But I won’t deduct any points for that because I feel that deducting points away just for a picture doesn’t really make sense. But overall, your story is very appealing. I like how you put your authors’ notes in a light grey. For some other people though, they might think that the grey is a bit too light, so I suggest you make the color a bit darker (that’s where I took off a point). But other than that, everything else is great.

 

Description/Foreword: (16/20)

 

I really liked how you put a quote for each person in the foreword. I really don’t see that often and I think it’s a very clever idea. I know that some people don’t really approve of character profiles and I also know the reason why they don’t like it as well. It’s much more professional to describe a character’s personality as you write it rather than just telling people directly. I also think that there are more cons than pros to having a character profile, so I would prefer not to put it in though the decision as to whether or not you want it is entirely up to you. There are also grammar mistakes in both the foreword and the description though, so I took points off for that, but I’ll get to that in the grammar part of the review. Other than that everything is fine.

 

Originality: (20/20)

 

Though I’ve read a story that had the idea of police and crimes, I’ve never exactly found a story like yours. Nothing it cliché and everything is very original so there are no points taken off for this.

 

Flow: (6/10)

 

There were a few parts where your writing was choppy. An example would be when your switched settings. Instead of creating headings, like you did, you could explain how she traveled from one place to another. Did she take public transportation? Or perhaps a taxi? Maybe she drove home. Although these things aren’t really necessary when you have the headings that you do, it creates a much better flow rather than just stating where she is and making her appear.

 

Grammer/Spelling/Punctation: (3/10)

 

I know that English probably isn’t your first language, and I have taken that into consideration. I won’t get to correct all the mistakes in your writing though; I’ll only be correcting your description and foreword. So let’s start with the description first.

I noticed that you frequently confused the word it’s for is. The word “it’s” is a contraction that stands for ‘it is’. So let’s look at the first sentence of your description:

What you wrote: Being a cop in the capital city of South Korea it’s not that easy.

What it actually means: Being a cop in the capital city of South Korea it is not that easy.

Correction: Being a cop in the capital city of South Korea is not that easy.

As you can see, the last one makes more sense than the other two. This happens in the second sentence as well. (I won’t show it here though. You can correct it yourself.)

Here are also some more corrections in the description:

What you wrote: The trouble comes along when Changmin resign from the job, and replaced by the rude girl, Hyoyeon.

Correction: The trouble comes along when Changmin resigns from the job and is replaced by the rude girl, Hyoyeon.

What you wrote: …she forced to join the epic battle of South Korea’s…

Correction: …she is forced to join the epic battle of South Korea’s…

What you wrote: …because of something Hyoyeon’s did to the gang in the past…

Correction: …because of something Hyoyeon did to the gang in the past…

Also, for the quote that you wrote for Hyoyeon you should add the word ‘for’ to the beginning of it. ex: “For every sacred mission, every hunt for hidden relics, every pilgrimage from one of the earth to the other…I was looking for you.”

In the rest of the story, there were also some tense problems, but if you want a more detailed correction for your story, I suggest you go to a beta reader.

 

Characterization: (7/10)

 

I can’t really say anything about your characterization yet, considering you only have 2 chapters up. The reason I deducted points was because of the fact you portrayed Hyoyeon as a strong (emotionally, not physically) woman at first, but during the second chapter when she saw all the dead bodies, she started to sob. I don’t really think that would have happened if someone was ‘strong’. Instead, they would probably just look at the bodies with a straight face and possibly press their lips together tightly to show a sign of discomfort or disgust.

 

Writing: (4/10)

 

There were a few parts that threw me off, one being the part about the bullet proof vests. You wrote ‘She grinned when her hands feel something thick inside her clothes.’ But then you went to write that she hated those vests. When a person grins, it’s usually because they’re happy. To grin basically means to smile broadly or widely. I noticed this a lot in your story; the way you tend to use words in a wrong way. Another thing that bothered me was the part when Jaejoong stopped the car and Hyoyeon’s forehead (I assume) hit the dashboard. That isn’t really possible if she had her seatbelt on. If she didn’t, then in that case Jaejoong must have stopped the car really quickly in order for that to have happened (but I still think that’s not possible, considering that if that had happened, then Hyoyeon would have already flew out of the car). And another thing is that I’m pretty sure that cops aren’t just hired; I believe that they have to take some sort of test and have some training before you could get in (at least I think that’s what they do in my country). But yes, there were quite a few other things as well, but I can overlook them as they don’t stand out as much as the other things do. (←Honestly I had no idea where to put all those comments so I just put them in this section.)

But yes, getting on to the actual ‘writing’ of it, I think you have a pretty good grasp of what you’re trying to say. I’ve seen a lot of people just write down a bunch of nonsense and say that they know exactly what they’re saying, but in reality they don’t. You’re descriptions are also very detailed, but they are written quite poorly. It’ll get better as your knowledge of the English language also gets better, though.

 

Total: (73/100)

 

Notes: Don’t be discouraged because of your score. I actually found your fic to be quite good. I found myself wanting to read more as well, so you can be sure that I’ll be tracking as you update (not like in a stalker-ish way though). As I said before, I suggest that you get a beta reader since they are more detailed in fixing your fic for you rather than a person who just reads a fic to review them. Overall, I feel like you have a great potential as a writer especially since English even your first language. But from now on, I think it’s better if you research before you write something because some of the scenes you wrote aren’t that…realistic. Well anyways, I hope you liked your review!