Review 5
Title: 4/5
It is unique (yes, I searched the site for any stories with similar titles) but it’s not very creative, and not particularly captivating. I don’t know how it relates to your story since your story is still new, but “Undiscovered Mysteries” can mean a lot more things. If it wasn’t for the tags, I would’ve mistaken it for a horror story, or maybe a scientific one, where they discover that there are more elements than that in the Periodic Table of Elements, more than it can fit in that tiny table that took the space of only one page in a Chemistry book!
Ehem. Okay, side-effects of studying too hard for my finals. Moving on.
Description/Foreword: 7/10
The description was okay, giving information about the story without going too much over the borderline that it would ruin the readers’ anticipation.
Honestly, I’m not one who favours character description in forewords since they mostly are useless, meaningless and gives out too much information about the character, losing the anticipation of finding out the personalities of the characters while reading (which I prefer over the former). In your case, however, you did not give out too much unnecessary information. The quote you put there is interesting as it gave some insight on how your characters would be.
You have quite a number of mistakes in your description. Even in the first sentence there’s already a mistake. You should note that “it’s” is actually “it is”. The word you should be using there is “is”. And take care of your tenses. You tend to mix that up too. I noticed some grammatical errors in your foreword, too.
Plot: 7/10
The plot featuring human trafficking is very interesting. I have to say there aren’t many stories like you (or maybe if there is, it’s probably because of my laziness to check out stories).
But I noticed some plotholes though. Why didn’t Hyoyeon go through any interviews, or at least any training? Because policemen- or in her case, policewomen- should be tough and strong to go through any type of life-threatening situation, unless they work in offices or investigate cases, not going into dangerous situations like in your story. And at the end of Chapter 2, I began to doubt the policeman who decided to just hire her because as a police, you cannot be controlled by emotions under any circumstances. Newly hired policemen or policewomen should be trained physically and mentally. And at some parts, it just didn’t seem right for policemen to be doing. Drinking wine while recruiting new police? It just doesn’t feel… realistic enough.
Characters: 8/10
Hyoyeon was understandable, and I could say that she was quite easy to dive into, with her past trauma and all. But I would imagine a woman like that would toughen up from all the misery she went through. However, I’m not going to judge you too much on this because your story only had 2 chapters. Your characters full potential are surely underdeveloped at this point.
Flow: 5/5
There didn’t seem to be any weird transition of scenes, and your story is still at the beginning stages, so full score!
English + Grammar: 16/30
Before I start on this, let me tell you that I’m very strict on this section, and some of my words might (or might not) hurt you. I’ll be lenient, however, since you’re a non-native English speaker. But only a teeny tiny bit. Because I’m one too. A non-native English speaker, that is.
Your tenses are mixed up. You also have some grammar and dialogue rules mixed up.
Taeyeon grinned, “What?” She replied.
Taeyeon grinned. “What?” she replied.
After a dialogue, if there is an identifier, you do not capitalise the first alphabet of the first word. You only capitalise it when it is a pronoun, the name of the person speaking, or if the sentence following is a separate sentence. Example: 1) “I don’t really care, actually,” Jiae said. 2) “I think I’m going to faint.” She staggers, struggling to keep balance.
There’s only a comma before a dialogue if it is an identifier that is placed prior to the dialogue. Example: He took a deep breath and said, “I love you.”
“I understand. I do.” She answered.
“I understand. I do,” she answered.
If an identifier follows after a dialogue, you put a comma at the end of the dialogue. You only put a full stop when the sentence that follows is not an identifier and is a separate sentence. Example: (taken from above) “I think I’m going to faint.” She staggers, struggling to keep balance.
And dear, whenever a new person starts to talk, you have to start a new paragraph.
I spotted minimal misspelling of words but quite a number of words wrongly used.
She sensored the gun closely.
She examined the gun closely.
Sensor is not a verb, but a noun. According to the dictionary I have in my hand right now, sensor is a device that responds to a certain stimulus.
“… Take the wall gun from the baggage…”
Dear, do you know the meaning of ‘wall gun’?
You shouldn’t use words that you aren’t familiar with. I find some words so unsuitable when used that it felt like you just grabbed the word from thesaurus.com or found it on Google, and pasted it there without any notion on what it really meant and how to use it. It’s much better to use words that you understand very well rather than words that are completely foreign to you.
I’m not going to correct all of it here for you because it would be better if you sent it for beta-reading instead. If you want, you can PM me anytime for it. I’m more than willing to help you with it.
Poster/background: 7/10
The poster is very well done, obviously by a shop as you had stated in your foreword, with a very dark shade, complimenting the pictures. It gave a feeling of suspense, a feeling of being chased. But the wordings in it were kind of confusing. “Heaven and Hell are never satisfied”. Heaven and Hell have feelings? I really don’t know what you’re trying to say and I can’t find ways to correct it.
The background was contrary to the poster. Why was it floral? It didn’t match the theme of the story, which was highlighted in your tags; crime and action.
[Extra: Appearance]
The font colour used is constant, which is black, except for your author notes. The font size used is also not too big nor is it too small, nor is it a mixture of both. Everything is fine and does not irritate the eyes of the readers.
Overall enjoyment: 8/10
I have to say that I adore crime and mystery more than other genres (especially romance, pure romance), but the excitement is yet to come as, like I said, the story is still new, still fresh and unpeeled to its core. But due to some plotholes I noticed that disturbed me while I was reading, I shall dock off a point for that. Another for a lot of wrongly used words that didn’t describe the story at all but instead ruined it.
[Extras]
I saw in your tags ‘romance’ and ‘action’ comes together in one tag. I suggest you separate it so that people can find your story easily if they searched in tags.
If you want to improve on your English, there’s only one thing I can suggest; read. Read English newspapers. If there aren’t any in your country, then read English novels. Something as harmless as Harry Potter can also do (though more are definitely recommended. However, I don’t suggest buying from Scholastics. Sometimes they’re not very good). Learn from it. Take some time to process the words used, the style used and the flow the story goes. Take notes on how the author elaborates the characters and the settings and the plot. Always have a dictionary with you when you come across words that you don’t know when reading. Then, you’ll surely improve.
Total= 62/90 = 69% = (B)
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