Being hurt and being disappointed is something so normal in life, but that does not mean you can get used to it. I’m scared. All. The. Time. And I'm tired, tired of always pushing people away at every opportunity I have, but is just that I don’t trust anymore. Are so painful the times I realize that people who surrounded me just kept me in the habit of seeing daily, these people said they would be your friends forever and that never let you to come to feel the loneliness and the terror of someone to come and play with you as they please. Now I have new friends, I have fear again. Afraid that history will repeat, that I to be left alone and lose a part of myself, that I shut myself again and to stop feeling.

I have feared that they see that I have nothing to give them. I’m scared that they may see what I'm really; I’m scared that my words betray me and show my feelings, loneliness, fear, disinterest, lack of love. I’m scared that they see that my feelings are not in any place inside me, I have fear of them to discover how empty I feel. I can’t give love and that is why I can never be with someone. Maybe it's because I haven’t found someone who's worth the risk, someone who makes me feel that is ok to put down the defenses, that it’s normal to feel vulnerable, which makes me feel that I can be like a baby and just depend on him because he'll be there when I fall, that he’ll hold me in his arms giving me protection and comfort.

I’m scared that these thoughts take control over me and never let me make my life quietly. I’m afraid to be empty, I’m scared, and I’m terrified.

September 7, 2012.
Song: Baby Do not Cry - EXO (full mix)

Time: 4:33 p.m.