Hi, I want to write about some things...  This year has been really hard...  I am just very unlucky... I want to let it all out so here I go!

In the beginning of the year, I yearned for a great year; I was Sec 3 and I was looking forward in stepping up in Dance.  We have this leadership system consisting of a Chairperson, Vice-chairperson and Head Discipline.  Of course there were other roles but  I wanted one of the 3.  Don't get me wrong, I do not like want want the role for the sake of recognition, I wanted to change dance, I wanted to make it better.  Therefore I waited anxiously for the results of the voting.  I felt that my prayers were finally answered when the teacher in charge, lets call her rocky-face, came and talked to me one day when I was on my way to class. She said, "I was thinking of putting you as the vice-chairperson of Dance, what do you think of that?"  I WAS SO ECSTATIC!!!  I WAS JUMPING IN CIRCLES (in my head) and I was so EXCITED!  But you know, I had to keep my cool.  So I cooly replied, "Yup, that's ok with me"  But of course, my excitement had to put a cheesy smile on my face.  RockyFace told me the other people who would be working alongside me.  They were "I Don't Like Her", "Fake", and "Nice".  For the sake of my recount, I will label them with acronyms: IDLH, F and N respectively.  So moving on, for the rest of the weeks, I was like on drugs; I was very HIGH.  I was so passionate about my role already that I even begun to write proposals to help better Dance!  Yup, that was how excited I was.  Then everything I had planned came crashing down... before that, I feel that it is important to know why I wanted the position so badly.  You see, I am never the best student in my class... I am average.  

In Singapore, being average is BAD...very BAD... It means that you are probably going to work your whole life in an office or something... therefore, I started caring about my future.  I had a specific goal in mind...in order not to jinx it, I shall not spill the beans...yet.  To get there, I need good education.  I want to get into a good JC (Junior College) and in Singapore, that's not easy.  We have an L1R5 system whereby 1 Lanugage and 5 other subjects are taken into account for your final score.  The grade system is like this: A1, A2, B3, B4, C5, C6, D7, E8, F9.  You get an A1, you get 1 point, you get a B3, you get 3 points, gettit?  The best scores are taken into the final grade.  Following so far?  To get into the best JC, guess how many points you need?  a maximum of 3.  WTH right?  Well let me explain, if you got all A1s, you would get a total of 6 points, am I correct?  Then your CCA involvement would take away 1 point, your leadership role would take away another point, if you took Higher Mother Tongue and you pass, you take away 1 point and if you got a Distinction for your Mother Tongue, you take away 2 points.  So the best score, also known as the perfect score, is 2.  With this, every JC wants you.  I made a bad decision in Sec 1, I did not take a higher mother tongue even though I could.  That's why, I have lost all chances to get into the best JC.  Here is another way to get into that JC, it is called DSA (Direct School Admission).  I am already planning for that, but I needed a strong leadership position in my resume.  Therefore, when rockyface informed me of the good news, I was happy that everything was finally falling into place.  That was when everything crashed before me.  

One day, after afternoon assembly, I noticed rockyface gather some dancers; IDLH, F and N.  In addition, there was another person, callled "Thief",of course, "T" for short.  I was getting suspicious...what were they talking about?  I had this very nervous and bad feeling.  Therefore I asked T a simple question during class, "Can you be honest with me?" T says "yea" I said, "Are you the new vicechair of Dance?"  There was silence, total silence... then hesitantly, she said, "Yes".  At this, I wanted to cry.  Someone has taken my position but why?  I needed this more than her actually...Did I do anything wrong?  I kept blaming myself for the next 3 days, then venting out my anger on dance.  I no longer LOVE dance, I lost some passion for it.  I felt that everything was a fraud, and most importantly, rockyface was a y teacher.  Which teacher would do such a thing?  Crush every ounce of hope in a student, isn't that just like...illegal?  I deleted all of my proposals, yes out of a fit of anger and I am starting to regret.  I didn't know what to do.  All I could do was put on a smile and shake hands with T, congradulating her for her position.  I needed to keep up with the facade, this stupid facade.  For the following week, I dedicated myself into finding out what exactly went wrong... Do you want to know?  I realised that rockyface had a lot of faces...she is so cruel.  She told my mum that I was not brave enough to speak in front of crowds, and that the seniors were worried of that.  That is just contradicting!  I am the MC for NE (National Education) events like Racial Harmony Day celebration, Total Defence day celebration, International Friendship day celebration etc, and she said that I dared not speak in front of crowds?  THat is just weird.  Then you mentioned the senoirs?  Well, the seniors told N that their opinions were not heard.  In fact, rockyface never took their opinions into consideration at all.  THen I found out that votes wise, I got the position.  Maybe I did something wrong, I will apologise, but I have been reflecting on my behaviour, I never did anything inappropriate or disrespectful.  The fact that rockyface did not tell me the difficult news to my face makes me pissed off.  Is it that difficult to just tell me in advance instead of me finding out on my own?  All I have to say is that she is a lousy teacher.

Moving on, I received another bad news.  My aunt, someone I am very close to, has been dignosed with stage 4 Cancer.  I don't know the details because they don't want me to worry (I already am...-.-).  All I know is that she has surgically removed her womb and it had already spread to her lungs, liver, lymph nodes and spine.  I fear that it will further spread down her spine to paralyse her.  In that case, she will be in a lot of misery.  I know enough science and biology to understand the seriousness of this; I am not stupid.  Now she is currently resting at home, all day and night.  She is currently put on a long leave from work, subsidised of course :).  I just want her to be okay, that's all I am asking for.  She is undergoing chemo, and everything seems to be doing fairly well...(please do not jinx it, please do not jinx it!)

Now, for the latest strike.  My grandmother passed away.  I was in school on that day when the classroom phone rang.  Then my teacher asked for me.  I was uttering under my breath, "no no no no no no".  When I recieved the news, I was beyond shock.  I knew that my grandma had quite a list of health issues, but I wasn't prepared for this.  Just a week ago, when I visited her, I told her, in chinese of course, "I want to see you next week, ok?  I love you."  With that, I enveloped her in a big hug and even gave her a peck on the cheek.  She was someone I looked up to.  She was the type of person I wanted to be when I grow up.  I want to be like her, not my mother, surprisingly.  She was born without a mother, and she lived just like that.  She raised 4 children, one of which was my mother, and they all loved her dearly.  She was an influential person; she had a lot of friends.  She was so "popular" that her death was on the front page of 新明早报.  THey worte an article about how she died and stuff...most of it was exaggerated points... :(  I want to say that I miss her dearly.  She passed on Friday the 13th, I don't think I will ever like Fridays the 13th anymore.  I cried my eyes out throughout the 5 days of the funeral.  We had to do prayers over and over again.  It was tiring, but as the days went by, I realised that I wanted longer prayers.  Why you ask?  Because when everything is over, I will never see her again; she will be burnt to ashes.  At least during the funeral, even though she was sleeping so still  in the coffin, I could see her.  I could talk "physically" to her.  But not that she is gone, who would hug me?  Who would squeeze my ? (She loved my as it was the um...appropriate... size and was um...firm...)  Who would stuff me with food when I wouldn't eat?  I miss her.  And I feel guilty...

Here is the story behind it.  Did you find it weird that I said "I want to see you next week" a week before she passed?  I thought about it too.  At that time, I already had a luminous feeling, but I pushed it all aside.  Then, on the final day, the day of her cremation,I witnessed the devestating scene and I got a shock.  Deja vu.  I dreamt the exact same scenario the week before!  In the dream, I panned over the place, wondering where I was and who died.  Then my eyes set on my grandmother's picture in a beautifully decorated frame and I was shocked, so shocked that I woke up.  I HAD A PREMONITION ABOUT IT BUT I CASTED IT ASIDE!!!  I feel so guilty!  By the time I rushed to the hospital from school to hear her last words, she was as good as dead.  I could only talk to her with no answers or replies.  I was so upset that my head started throbbing and the world spun.  In school today I experienced it too.  I was doing my chinese test; my brain was not working properly at all!  It was throbbing, my vision was blurry and dizzy.  EVERYTHING WAS A MESS!  I love her, I always will, but that guilt of not appreciating my time with her kills me bit by bit inside.  I lost my life hero, I lost the only person I look up to...Now I have no direction to turn to, what can I do?  

Just a little extra, something that gave me hope.  My mother told me that my grandma was special; she had a good heart.  Why?  Because when they went to collect the ashes yesterday, they made an amazing discovery, some of it were pink!  Pink!  By right, it shoulda been black or white, but it was pink!  Due to chinese beliefs, this means that the deceased had done many good deeds in her life and she would be rewarded for it.  At this I smiled and cried.  I missed her so much.  Just thinking and talking about her will get me crying.  Another magical thing happened.  Yesterday, in school, a mysterious app appeared in my homepage of my phone. (A Samsung SIII by the was hehehe)  It was a dragon icon.  I clicked on it and it brought me to the play store, asking me to install...that means that there was zero possibility that I downloaded it accidentally because it hasn't even been downloaded!  The magical thing is that this year is the year of the Dragon (Lunar calandar) and my Grandma was born in the year of the Dragon too!  Was this a sign that she is watching over me?  My mother recieved it too...It seems like only 2 of us did.  If she did, wow she learns fast!  She had problems understanding her basic black and white phone, but now mastered androids?  I just want her to know that I love her...I miss her... I wrote a poem about her btw...would you like to read it?

 

Gone Forever

She was very happy

it was so rare she won

But she never knew it would be her last game

So she just played on

Then it just hit her

Just when she got 4 of a kind

a rarity in a game of majong

and she was so happy 

she went shopping the day before

July 12th

Then Friday the 13th struck 

And she never spoke again

I longed to hear her speak

Telling me to eat everything

I longed for the way she looked at me

with tired eyes, she needed sleep

I longed for her warm embrace

her hugs telling me it's all okay

But now everyone knows

It's already too late

She won't be peeling eggs for me 

She won't be lying on her bed, welcoming me into her room,

She won'tbe smothering me in soft kisses

She is just laying prettily in her coffin

Perfectly dolled up

She will never see my first boyfriend,

or my husband

She will never meet my children,

her great-grandchildren

If only she stayed another day I could've said goodbye.

After Tuesday I will never be able to see her again, 

Not even her closed lids and pale skin

Because she will be reduced to dust.