Long time no blog post. 
Nahh. I don't really blog post nowadays. I would just spit it all out on Twitter. (Read all my random here)

But anyways. This time, I really want to express something that I've never expressed before because I'm too scared of saying this. I don't like saying this. I don't want to say this. Yes, everyone, come and  be shocked, I have a crush. 
You might think that this is a normal thing for pre-teens or teenagers in my age, but to me, it's totally not normal. I almost never like having a crush, and the situation is really different when I'm with boys and when I'm with girls. I'm all giddy and bubbly and jumpy and hyper and smiley and all about being myself with my gurrrlfrens but with boys, I'm not. I control myself a bit, I try not to smile so often, I control my movements and try as hard as I can as not to look in their direction even though they're looking at me, I'm quiet, basically saying, I'm a total opposite to who I am when I'm with boys. It's just.. awkward. Totally awkward. 

I used to stutter when even just talking to boys, since I'm not the kind of girl who has friends who are boys. Though now it has gotten a little bit more better, I still can't talk properly (but I don't stutter anymore), nor be myself around boys. My friends are ALL about boys, boys, boys and boys. I'd have to say, I'm one of those girls who would have absolutely no idea of whom they were gossiping about (when they talk about boys) and wouldn't care for the world. I'm horrible, yes, I know. But the case is different when it's with a boy that I actually know in real life, and with my friends who are boys in this Kpop/internet world. I don't know why. 

As so you should understand, having a crush would not be normal for me. I mean, of all my 14 years of living this wonderful life, I've only had 1 crush (a big one indeed) for the entire 6 years. Apparently, after the 6 years of me liking him, I lost interest and right on that moment, he told me he liked me too. All I could say was, "Oh really? You serious? Kay." 
I know, it sounds terrible, but look. He told me he liked me by saying it to my friend, in front of me. And then he looked back at me with his pair of eyes, and I would just stare back looking like -___-  

But anyways. My last crush (the 6 year crush), if I thought about it again and again, it was absolutely silly of me to even have a crush on him. I feel like really laughing out loud to the old me who liked him for his looks and acts. And not by his personality. And ever since I left that crush, I hadn't had a crush until April THIS YEAR came. Oh and by the way, I had a crush on my 6-year crush ever since I first saw him in the 1st grade, until the end of elementary school. We went to the same secondary school together for the first three months, but it was during the first three months that I lost a LOT of interest in him and had not had a crush ever since. 

Again, anyway, I had a crush on this guy, who totally almost fits my idealism for a perfect guy. If most of you don't know, I am a Muslimah, a Muslim, of course, and I'm very religious though don't you worry, I'm not a racist kind of person. He fits almost all of them perfectly. He's a perfect gentleman, he's kind, he likes to smile, and he is my age. Though, what I thought of him might not be correct, since I am a girl who thinks whatever her crush does to her is something special (-___-) 

See, he's a gentleman because he helped me search for my arrows (Yes, REAL arrows, because I'm in my school's archery team) that went behind the board). This is just plain silly, tbh, it doesn't really appear as if he is a gentleman. 

But anyway, let me tell you this story of me. You see, among of all of the people in the archery team, I am the only one who's most awkward with boys. The other two -one is my friend that's the same age as me and the other is a senior, two years older than me, are most definitely familiar and are used to the surrounding of boys. And I am not. 

So the things between the two of us (me and my crush, of course) at first are some kind of awkward (and it still is) moments, and when I sometimes talk to myself (You know, like what Yuri does, when she talks to herself saying, I can do it! I can do it!), he would look at me (yes, I noticed because he is my crush .__.) and give me that little evil smirking smile that would make me facepalm and step 100000 metres away from him. But he would just look at me and still smile evilly and I would step away again and it sometimes  just frustrates me cause it annoys the hell outta me. 

During the first week when we first met, I had a lot of clumsy + extremely embarassing things that happened to me (I'm a very clumsy person UGH) and all he would do would be just smile at me, and I would look at him weirdly and my friend (the one who's the same age as me) would just laugh at me (Don't take it as a bad thing, cause I really don't mind lol). He likes to play around with my camera and with my arrows since our arrows are kind of similar, I like to take his arrows whenever it falls out of the board and he likes to take mine. It's frustrating, but if I don't do it, he will forever keep my arrows and I will have a hard time getting it back -__-

And so, ends the first tournament of the year, and because I'm in the first class (Yeah, I'm a brainiac) and he is in the last class (a not so of a genius, but he likes to play smart) I won't get to see him every single day at every single minute like I used to get to do during training. I would actually count the days when would I get to see him again and blablabla, it's pathetic, I know. 
But then, you know, if I actually counted the days, I won't get to see him. But, when I don't count or thinks that it'd be like tomorrow or something, he would come, and I would see him at least for a bit, unexpectedly. And so, I decided not to count at all, and would just wait for the right moment and all. (Ugh. Sounding very pathetic.)

During those days, when I didn’t get to see him as often as before, I kept asking myself, is it worth it, to like him, anyway? Because, you know my last crush. I only had a crush on him because of his looks, not because of his personality! And so, I tried to pretend to lose interest in my latest crush too, but only failed, badly. Cause right at the moment that I was thinking that I really had lost interest of him, the second tournament of the year came back and training sessions were on again. I thought I’d be as normal as I would be, with boys that aren’t in any of my interests, but certainly not. The feelings came back, stronger than before, actually, and I really would like to get rid of it, but I can’t. The feeling would just come back again and again and I would not know what to do.

He’s became much more lively than the first time I met him, he talks more now, and plays around more (No, not with girls). He was too, one of the boys who aren’t as close or familiar with girls and tends to stray himself away from them, like I always do. Though this time, what I think has been happening around this time, is kind of weird. Why? Because, whenever we’re done with shooting the arrows into the boards and it’s time to wait for other people’s turns to shoot (I always shoots first and he would too. Sometimes, I would shoot last and he would too) he would place his bow onto the stand, and if I’m next to his bow stand, he would just stay there, as if he was standing right next to me. And as usual, I would step away from him a few steps, or if I was really paranoid back then, I would just step a dozen of steps and wander around in circles and he would just watch me in discreet.

Though, the weirdest thing happened was, that one day, when I was sitting on a bench below a tree protecting myself from the stinging rays of the sun (I’m terribly sunburnt right now OTL), waiting for the others to finish shooting their arrows, he suddenly came from the gazebo and sat on the bench next to me. Usually, for me, that is definitely not normal, and I would actually try to at least get up, but I was tired, and I didn’t feel like it, so I stayed. It’s hard for me to explain. How bout I just draw the situation?

And it totally went like that for a quite 10 minutes, awkward, but I kept not looking at him, until it was time to collect our arrows. That was one. The other one was that, one day, (actually just yesterday lol) groups of choirs came to our school for a competition, yet we were currently training in the middle of the field by that time. There was suddenly buses coming around and we stopped to look, while holding our bows and all. And when one of the seniors kept making jokes on how one of them is his girlfriend and what not, he made the same joke to me and all I did was smirk and laughed a bit. We were just side by side by then. And he kind of waited for me to laugh, since he smiled with this some kind of hope for me to laugh, IDK how to explain it lol, it was like, he was teasing me. And I now no longer know.

Anyway, we shot arrows for the rest of the day, and because my bow was kind of wacky that day, I decided to share bows with him, and he kept ‘bullying’ me on him being lazy, and I had to place the bow somewhere else or take it from where I placed it at first and then carry it back to him, but I had to do it anyways, since I was borrowing his bow. Ugh.

I was kind of like dreaming slash thinking (gosh my pathetic self) that he did that because he was kinda jealous. You see, there is another guy, that is also the same age as both of us, whom I shared bows with. His bow was extremely wacky that day, with the arrows kept flickering off and I couldn’t shoot arrows with, so I decided to borrow my crush’s bow. And because I borrowed his, we couldn’t shoot at the same time, so this other guy asked me to help him out with telling him where his arrows went. And so I did. And then, when at first, I wasn’t able to even hit my arrows to the board due to the frustration that I had with the wacky bow, this other guy challenged me to hit yellow, and if I did, he’d give me RM2 (two dollars?). I didn’t succeed at first, but after using my crush’s bow, I managed to hit two yellow spots, and asked for my money (:P)

As expected, he didn’t want to pay me, and so joked around and said that if HE hits yellow  on HIS board, I would have to give him RM1 for each arrow hit right on the yellow spot. I agreed with one condition, that he pays me RM2 first, then I’ll pay him back with RM1. He disagreed and we joked around, and I guess my crush was kinda feeling miserable since he had no one to joke around with since both of my friends who are girls (the senior and the friend who was my age) was currently shooting arrows by that time and he couldn’t mess around with them. After we collected the arrows and came back for the next round of shooting arrows, he started to bully me. UGH

But you know. This is from my perspective. Who knows, if he really doesn’t like me or just thought of me as a friend? This had been a long rant, and I somehow had a feeling to make this story, a fanfic. A fanfic based on my real life story. Though the thing is, I wanted it to be me and him (LMFAO) but yeah, when FANFICTION, it must be an idol. I was thinking of Ontoria (of courseeee) but then, he’s too evil to be Onew, and I thought of Jongna, but naah Jonghyun’s too hyper to be him and totally doesn’t suit him at all. Keyber? We’re both not alike Keyber at ALL. Taeli? Nah, him and Taemin, me and Ssul are total opposites. And Minstal. It’s a possibility, but I still have uncomfortablities when writing Minstal, so I wanted a pair that was totally out of Shiny Effects, that could resemble someone like  me, and someone like him. Any suggestions?

LOL MY POINT OUT OF THE WHOLE THING IS JUST TO ASK FOR YOU GUYS FOR SUGGESTIONS OF COUPLE PAIRINGS BASED ON MY REAL LIFE STORY AND I GIVE YOU A WHOLE TWO PAGE OF USELESS INFO URGH