Hourglass by krystal_24

Reviewed by Yana

Title (3/5)
The title is not very interesting. I know you’re trying to relate it to the story, how their past plays an important part, but I think you could think of another eye-catching title maybe.

Appearance (9/10)
Your fonts and paragraph are perfect. I don’t have any difficulties in reading your story. Your poster is nice too and I noticed you made it yourselves. Kudos to you! Just a suggestion, you could put up a background for your story, you know to make the readers get the feeling from your story more.

Description & Foreword (8/10)
Your description is perfect, but there’s just a lacking part. It’s a bit blur, so it’s kind of hard to read it. And then you put your acknowledgement in chapter 1. I think it would be better if you put it in the forewords. That’s usually where authors will put their note.

Plot (3/10)
Your plot is too cliché, two friends fighting over the same girl. You probably could twist your story to make it stands out from the other story that has similar plot.

Originality (8/10)
I gotta say yes to this. I’ve never read a story with Krystal, Taemin and Kai as the mains. But like I said earlier, the story line is too generic.

Flow (5/5)
The flow is fine.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling/Vocabulary (5/20)
You don’t have any spelling mistake. But you have too many errors in grammar and punctuation. Even some of the words you used aren’t suitable. I can’t list them one by one because it will takes up the space, so I just pointed some of them.

1) "We're dropping you by at the next bus stop."

You should use drop off instead of drop by, because drop by means to stop in for a short visit while drop off means to leave someone or something at a particular place.

So, your sentence should look like this: "We're dropping you off at the next bus stop."

2) "What is he laughing about?" somebody said as she gave him suspicious looks.

"It's been so long!" he remarked and gave him a warm brotherly hug.

After an exclamation or question mark, you should use a capital letter. So the correct ones would be like these:

"What is he laughing about?" Somebody said as she gave him suspicious looks.

"It's been so long!" He remarked and gave him a warm brotherly hug.

3) "I've been waiting for you this whole time. You slept at the bus again, didn't you?"

It should be: "I've been waiting for you this whole time. You slept on the bus again, didn't you?"

4) But before he could even get hold of the knob, it opened for him. And came out a girl that looked almost his age.

It will look better like this: But before he could even get hold of the knob, the door suddenly swing open revealing a girl that looked about his age.

5) "A rest. You think I needed a rest," Soojung asked without a tone of question in her voice.

It should be: "A rest? You think that I needed a rest?" Soojung asked without a tone of question in her voice.

6) She felt like in a hurry and spending time with her sister for nothing didn't help her get through the feeling.

Should be like this: She felt like she was in a hurry and spending time with her sister did nothing to help her get through the feeling.

7) If what Sooyeon wants is what Sooyeon gets.

It should be: Sooyeon always gets what she wants.

Writing Style (6/10)
You have nice writing style. But you write too many redundant sentences. It gave me a headache. For instance:

1) "Why can't I go? Why can't I go?"

2) He'll be a trainee in SM. He's a trainee in SM.

What are you really trying to say? No need to repeat it, it’s really bothersome. And at the end of your chapter 1, it was kind of unnecessary when you keep repeating about how he tried to remember the girl’s name. I don’t think you need to repeat the names over and over again. Some of your sentences are not making sense and made me have to read them a few times to really understand what you’re trying to write. And then I noticed about the flashback in chapter 1. I know you made the words into italic, but I advised you to give some kind of sign before the flashback to avoid confusion for readers. For example:

He sighed hopelessly and just grasped the beige assist strap above him, watching the houses and buildings passed by and dissolve in the corner. (You could add something like this) His mind drifted back to that day.

(Insert flashback here)

Reader's feedback (10/10)
Your readers gave you tons of love and positive comments. Congratulation!

Ending (-/5)
Not counting this in.

Overall Enjoyment (10/10)
None of your characters is my bias, but I really love this story. Although your plot is generic and you have many grammar errors, somehow it still managed to entertain me. And trust me; it’s really hard for me to enjoy a story that doesn’t have my bias in it. I also love your prologue, the way you include the cupid all. Really interesting!

TOTAL – 67/100

Yana's Note:

Pheww! Finally finished with your review, this is the longest review I’ve ever wrote. I’m flattered that you trust me, but I apologize if I don’t meet your expectations. I’m still lacking a lot in English and this is the best I can give you. Sorry if this review is too harsh, but hopes it can help to turn your story into a better one.