(^--- That's from Yotsuya Kaidan, by the way)

**angel choir ensues**

My first blog entry~

Which is why I feel bad that I'm using it to vent. Taihen desu ne?

Now I'm not sure what I'm trying to vent out? But I'm in a horrid state nonetheless. It's a strange new feeling for me, cause I'm always happy happy. No, I'm not saying I've NEVER been sad, that's just ridiculous and Truman Show-like, no? But I'm usually looking at the flowery side of every situation, and I don't see one for my current predicament...

OK, I have been posting quite personal on my own blog for YEARS, now, so I think I'll save my sodden life story for there. And disgorge my unruly brain waves about KPop here. **nods decisively**

I don't know how many of you reading this have participated in Role Playing activities. (Actually, I don't know how many of you are reading this **sweats nervously**) But my experience thusfar has been so... different from what I'd imagined, you know? It's problematic dealing with such a thing.

First off, the character I play has somehow seeped into my daily livelihood. They rule over my actions, my words, my thoughts and beliefs. Isn't it supposed to be the other way round?? Why should I be subject to their depressions, their calamity, their problems?? As a result, our relationship is no longer semi-permeable, I feel like I'm 2 people at the same time, ALL THE TIME. This should be alarming and dial-psychoanalyst-phone-number inducing but I'm just going to ignore the medical danger until I start blacking out and dead bodies of Korean Idols begin floating up in news headlines.

Secondly, I feel disillusioned. All my credence in this one concept that I have always held on to, never letting go even when my veins started to pop, has dissolved. I am no longer a believer and I find my work, my writing, suffering from it. (as it is, it was nothing to give second thought to, BWAHAHAHAHA) I've always maintained that fanfic has been a kind of aperture for all my thoughts and suchlike to rocket out of, but what am to write if my thoughts are in a strangle-hold? That's what it feels like.

Finally... I am so drained of ideas it's scary. Do you know the feeling of setting out of home on your way to the exam hall, thinking you're fully prepared and you're going to do so well-- and then you look at the question paper, and the more you read it, the more you are convinced that you will irrevocably fail?? That's the level of fear I have floating in me, like this filthy layer of scum, dried solid. UGH.

That's all I have for now. About my unrelatable references, I can't really help that. It's percolated my writing like mango pickle oil stains (<--- see what I mean? -___-)