A Major Cutie? More like a Douche Bag! by b2stlyoseob125

Reviewed by doubledutchress

 

Title (8/10)

I personally don’t like it because of the ‘douche bag’ term, and practically speaking, it sounds disrespectful as a title. Maybe it sounds catchy but maybe it’s better using ‘jerk’ or other better words instead :)

 

Description & Foreword (8/10)

Nothing much to say here since I only take mistakes on improper use of D&F as is, but just a tip (or you can use it now and revise it): the character description shouldn’t be too long and don’t jot down unnecessary information that won’t be related on the whole story.

 

Plot (7/15)

The plot is very common. The tough and cold girl paired up with the member of a boyband. Fanfictions with that plot is really common that even if you try to manipulate how they met, or how their story would flow, it still sounds common and typical until the end. Beside from the character cliche, you used the parents-are-friends concept as additional  for a common plot. It would have been better if you at least made the parents part the opposite (like they’re enemies) so it would have been better for readers to look forward on.

 

Grammar and Spelling (10/20)

There are major grammar corrections and a few spelling errors. 

Grammar errors: I won’t correct them one-by-one (you have 10chapters O_O) so I guess just take on with these notes:

• Major corrections on past tense. 
• Please be mindful of the right use of the SVA (Subject-Verb Agreement).
• If it’s your POV, do not do emotions or self-thoughts inside *insert sentence here*
• It appears comical if you do a lot of “AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH” and “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 
• Luhan’s diary should be italicized since it’s written, so that it would be separated from Luhan’s thoughts and his diary entries.
• You can do: “Argh!” she shouted; rather than: “ARGH!” she shouted. It would sound redundant if you use ‘!’ and yet you typed it on caps on.
• A lot of your & you’re errors.

Writing Style (10/15)

You write the average type but sounds very childish, as if it’s your diary and you’re writing down your thoughts and I personally find them irritating. However, it’s actually better than others since you do not repeat phrases and you must be reading a lot of fanfics, getting words from authors. On halfway reading your fanfic, I suddenly felt a bit lost because of the jumping of scenes, as if while you’re typing them down, you’re too eager and excited to post it with all your thoughts clogging on your mind. 

 

Story Flow (10/15)

I have some says on the protagonists especially to Mirae. 

As described, Mirae is supposed to be an ‘Evil Ice Queen’. In the story, she really portrayed being badass and snobbish. But you made her too snobbish and naughty and bad that sometimes it sound she’s being OOC and everything she did made me hate her. There can be snob female protagonists, but there should be at least a side of her that people may like. Her badass skills appeared as over-reacting because she hates Luhan so much as if he’d her or smth. And her kicking his ‘junior’ became really really overrated so I suggest you can stop that job of Mirae. 

Another, Mirae is supposed to sound poor (she work at 2 jobs? I think that’s 2 as far as I can recall) but she has this iPad and she dress well. I mean, I know that even if you’re poor you can also have those but please give some emphasis that she’s the type that needs-to-work-to-be-able-to-finish-studies not the average girl.

About Luhan, his being-really-rich is getting out of hand, like he’s the Goo Jun Pyo type. I do not know about Luhan if he’s really that huge in real life but if he is, he could’ve made his own entertainment, right (for exag)? And if you’re doing his POV, you should use words more manlier. He sounds gay for using OMG. Rather use Oh no or uh-oh.

All in all, the flow is a bit messy. Try writing everything down on a sheet of paper first before typing here on AFF so you’ll end up correcting and re-reading the new chapter you’re adding at the same time! :)

 

Originality (8/15)

As I mentioned awhile ago, the plot is really common. You can minimize your twists because the common ideas are exploding in your fanfic (parents are friends, boy-girl fight and ended-up liking each other, ordinary girl paired-up with a boyband member, poor and rich, and other common scenarios on the story). 

 

Reader’s Feedbacks (10/10)

I’ll give you a perfect here (and serving as a bonus) since they liked it, and you made them laugh as the author or the fic. 

Again, don’t hold grudge under this review but instead, use this as a correction to make better fanfics in the future! You can revise the corrections and you can take the tips I’ve shared so you’d make a better fanfic in the future. Goodluck! ☺