My World, His World, Our World by babywook

Reviewed by Junghyo

Title: 8/10

Seohyun is the main character and the focus of your POVs, and I was confused with the ‘Your World’ part. It couldn’t be the reader’s world, because it’s not a You fic right? Maybe it’s better if you remove the Your World ☺

Description and Foreword: 5/10

The description should be a bit hanging for your readers to look forward on it. It can be hanging, but not too detailed. The description you made is an overview, but it is too detailed, on how you added “One day, she found a puppy in a very high tree. She saved it. Then, she met the puppy owner named Yonghwa.” It’d better if you it this way:

One unexpected day, she coincidentally met Yonghwa for the first time, not knowing that he is a member of a popular band called Raise.

Than revealing it all on what you wrote, “Yonghwa and his bandmate Kyuhyun, is in a group called ‘Raise’.Until, Yonghwa bandmate told her. Kyuhyun said that his(Yonghwa) world is different wîth her. Yonghwa is a superstar but, Seohyun is just a school girl. Seo want to prove Kyu that love doesn’t need a same occupation or pretty face.” it’s better if you can minimize it this way:

“… but Kyuhyun, Yonghwa’s bandmate, gets in the way and try to complicate everything.”

If you use ‘gets in the way’, you can make new readers think of ways on how Kyuhyun would positively or negatively in between Seohyun and Yonghwa’s story. It’s better than explaining the whole thing that would happen, right?

On the Foreword, you can add each characters’ profiles, and leave the note you wrote under Author’s Note ☺. In that way, it can be organized.

Plot: 10/15

The plot is good, but it’s a bit common to have a plot about a simple girl who fell for a member of a famous boyband, and his bandmate likes the girl too. Just a tip, you can add other twists that can make the story stand out from being common since it’s just starting: D

Grammar and Spelling:  10/20

The fic sounds childish because of the excessive use of ‘?’ and ‘!’.

A few corrections on these parts:

·         “Yah! Ÿøū know I weak at sports! My sports score was 6,75!” She said as wiping her sweats. 

-       You should use ‘I am’. And specify what sport it is, and I don’t get the 6,75. Sorry ☺

·         “Seohyun-ah! I was waiting for ÿøū! Another 100 delimanjoo?” The lady said.

-       ‘I was’ should be replaced with ‘I’ve been’. Using WAS means it’s done already, but if you use HAVE BEEN, the lady is not done waiting but is still waiting.

·         The use of Subject-verb agreement and some corrections on the tenses of verb to use. There are a few verbs that are supposed to be on the past tense that was written on the present tense.

·         I think you used ‘released’ wrong. I suppose you meant ‘realize’.

·         “Fany-ah, Why are you divided the delimanjoo into 2 boxes?” I ask as we’re walking towards a bench to sit on. 

-       Should be why did you divide.

Other than those stated above are a few spelling error (very few: D). It’d be neat if it’ll be fixed right away ☺

Writing Style: 10/15

You should have the paragraphs spaced from each other, like how the dialogue must be separated from Seohyun’s POV. Nothing to say much here.

Story Flow: 8/15

The story is too fast-forward. I understand you since you owe the concept from a manga that you’ve read but you cannot rush the story because the readers won’t understand everything right away. Let’s say that you’re narrating a story, you should tell every detail so the listeners would catch-up. Try to add more details because it’s weird that on the part where Fany left Seohyun alone, she suddenly saw a puppy and then she met Yonghwa.

A tip would be, you can first write or type a draft of your chapter, then read and check everything again before posting. Typing everything on AFF impromptu won’t give you a chance to correct your errors.

Originality: 8/15

This is reasonably low, since you’ve got the concept from a manga, and it’s also a bit misleading since the story is rushed because maybe you’re too excited to tell what really happened. Remember that your readers didn’t read the manga so if you missed to write an important detail, they’d be misled (this should be included on the Story Flow lol).

Readers’ Feedbacks: 8/10

As I read their comments, they’re anticipating whether Seohyun would end up with Yonghwa or Kyuhyun.  I don’t personally ship any but I’m guessing it’s Yonghwa? Good job btw, dear ☺ Please take this review as an advice. Thank you!