You Are My Only Dream by steukheex3

Reviewed by ELF

Title: 2/5

It's kind of generic, and it honestly wouldn't grab my attention. But it's okay for your first fanfic, I know how hard it is to come up with titles.

Appearance: 5/5

Background and poster are nice and simple, easy on the eyes. You have a coordinating color pallet with Description so I thought that was nice.

Description/Forward: 4/10

The first two sentences of your description are a bit confusing, I blame it on the switching of tenses which you can read more about in the Grammar & Spelling section of this review. 

I would've worded those two sentences at the beginning like this instead, "When you love someone, would you be willing to let them go? What if you finally get them, only to discover they love someone else? Would you still give them another chance?" 

Then I would have re-worded the last part of the description like this, "Donghae loves him and he loves Donghae, but why did Hyukjae have to hurt him? He didn't hurt Donghae's body, he hurt his heart. He hurt him so much but will Donghae still forgive him when he comes back?"

Also I'm okay with author notes in the foreword since I do that too but to say that you're not good at writing stories, even if it is your first one, kind of discourages me from reading your fanfic. If the author says it's no good then why should I believe it is? Why would I read a fanfic that the author says is no good? Even if you don't have any confidence in your writing, please don't put that there. I want you to write with upmost confidence in yourself that you can write a fantastic story that will blow people out of the water.

Characterization: 8/10

Since your fanfic is only two chapters long so far, we haven't gotten to see much of the characters' true personalities. What I can gather from what you've written so far is that Donghae is the childish bestfriend who has an unrequited love for Hyuk, and that Hyukjae is the oblivious best friend.



Plot: 10/15
Well since this is newer, I have no idea where you are going with this fic. But so far the plot is kind of generic. The boy falls in love with his best friend, who doesn't reciprocate his feelings and in turn loves someone else. Lots of crying, depression, old childhood friend shows up. The works.



Flow: 10/15

You only have two chapters so far, but the flow is okay. It's a bit rushed though. I would've liked to have seen more interaction between Hyuk, Hae, and Sena before Siwon was introduced. It would've given more information on their current situation and more on Hae's feelings.


Grammar & Spelling: 15/25
Well I didn't see any misspelled words so that's good, and if there were any misspelled words I didn't notice them.

Your grammar is what stuck out to me the most. You are what my history teacher calls a "comma abuser." There are so many commas in one sentence that are unneeded so it makes it look very choppy. You can use the rule my history teacher uses, "Only put commas where there's a pause while speaking." 

You wrote: But no, I'm still tired because of last night, he's been running all around the park, and there I was being his supporter.

I would've written: But no, I'm still tired because of last night since he's been running around the park and I go there to support him.

You get the gist right? 

Another thing is that you write in the present tense. While it's not wrong to write in the present tense, it is harder. You also switch tenses often, and that's a big no-no.

You wrote: I blushed. He calls me baby Hae whenever I look mad at him or I'm ignoring him.

I would've written: I blushed. He called me baby Hae whenever I looked mad or ignored him.

Or if you want to stay in the present tense: I felt myself blush. He calls me baby Hae whenever I look mad or ignore him.



Writing: 4/5

Your writing style is unique since you write in the present tense. I just think you could use more complex sentences since you use a lot of simple sentences, which makes it seem choppier.


Enjoyment: 3/5

I've enjoyed your stories so far with its two chapters that you've posted.



Bonus: 3/5
Just a little bonus for this being your first fanfic and for being my second requester.



Total: 64/100

Elf's Note: I'm sorry if I seem harsh in this but I hope you find the information useful!