My mom and i have never really gotten along very well....but I think we r better off than a normal fighting teen and mom. we have physically fought before, and i understand completly that she has done everything she posibly can to raise me. we have been pretty poor our whole lives and im the oldest of three.  both my mom and i suffer from ADHD.

however...i requested therapy to try to get rid of stress/anger/fire trauma from house fire and i have seen many improvments in almost everything. everything except my relationship with my mo. i am very socially awkward and dont really know how to communicate very well, especially because she doesn't try. i barley see her and i pretty much live in my room cuz i hate being with the rest of the family. just like her, retty much.

however, i never realized howi really felt about my mom until recently.

she doesn't often say nice things, shes normally in a bad mood,which is cuz she works night shifts and i fully understand...however...i feel like she doesn;t believe in me. and i know ur just going to say, no she does she just doenst know how to say it" amd i understand that...however..it doesntg change the fact that it hurts. no one in my family understands why i like kpop or how much it means to me and ive always been made fun of my weird taste in things at home and at school. ive gotten over it yes, but still it just adds to the reason i live in my room.

anyways...everytime my mom and i are supposed to do something (something as simple as going to target to get me new bras)  nothing really happens. things always get cancled or it isn;t the right kind of bounnding i want,. there really is no way to get through to her and im starting to get affected by it more and more. especially now that i have a goal in life to work in Korea and to go to collagbe in Korea for music and entertainment buisness. I'm afraid because i don't want to just leave like this. but then again, i feel as if she doesn't believe ill make it which is just another reason i want to do it. not just for myself, but to be able to hear her say good job or im proud or i love you, something like that. something meaningful that she never says to me.

she acts completly different to me than to my sister who is younger. mysister has fashion sense, good looks and isn;t socially awkward and can be funny. very unlike me, which makes t easier for them tob ound rather than her and i.

 and now that im starting to feel like this, every thing my mom does (like lie about trying to reschedual  an appointment inwhich after we were supposed to go to target, or not setting aside a day like she said so she can take me shopping for my trip, or any other thing shes done) its staring to make me feel sadder and sadder.

i dont know how to do anything and then when i try im always shut down. she isn;t your normal mom. shes strange and does things defferntly and is now starting to act like she only cares about herself. which i know she cares about us to but she never shows it. shes always yelling or cussing at us about how she hates children, we cant get her to sign anything for school cuz she hates it, we cant get her to schedual dentist appoinments, so ive pretty much taken everything on my own. i dont ask her when we can schedual appoinmetns, i just make them with my dad. i go and do the shes suppossed to help with on my own cuz its pointless otherwise.

THE REAL QUESTION

idk i guess that was more of a rant than a question, but im literally crying while writing this. it really hurts and i really want to know how to fix this if ossible.

sorry if its supper long.