Thinking

Okay, well, I need advice. Mostly, I feel like venting and getting this off my chest so I'll feel better.

What am I to do? I can't let go of the past even though I was the one so willing to let go in the first place. I broke up with someone and things spiraled out of control. It's been more than a year and I'm still holding onto something that I broke off. I made a mistake and I regret it deeply. Once I broke up with him, he always did things to hurt me. Whether it be in an "open relationship" with a person showing her s on Facebook or saying "I met the girl of my dreams", teasing me with trying to make me jealous and tons of other things. Through all that time, I never stopped loving him and I always hid the way I really felt, from not just the people around me, but me myself. I lied not only to the people I loved, but me too. I believed those lies and just one day I felt my fake smile and it almost brought me down in tears. From then on I knew that, I wasn't okay and I did love him. I couldn't keep lying to myself that I hated him and that he wasn't hurting me when in truth, he was hurting me. He broke me. I lost myself and I'm just NOW finding the broken shards of the person that I was before. But even now, I don't have the maps that lead to those shards and I have no way of getting those shards without him in my life. Also, whenever we do fix things, things aren't really fixed and we end back up fighting again. I just don't know what to do anymore. I tried to find refuge in another person (who surprisingly had the same name as him) but just a few weeks ago, I realized that I didn't need him. I used him just like he used me. He was just more baggage on my life that I didn't need. I let go of that person but still, I can't find the strength to let go of him. I'm still trying to mend things with him but no matter how hard I try, somehow, I mess up. I just want us to try again at something that was out of wack but still had love to it. I want us to try to have a REAL relationship. I want us to be a "us". For the past two weeks, we are just now opening up about the past but only just a little bit. I know that he knows that I still like him. I'm just hoping that he still likes me too and that he'll give me a second chance at something that I destroyed. I've been living in Hell since the day I broke up with him and I'm praying for the day that he'll unbound the chains that he placed around me so tightly. 

So uhm, to those who cared enough to read this, comment on it. I need some insight on what to do. Though what I wrote isn't in full depth of the things that transpired, I'm hoping by what I did put, you guys, my friends :D, will comment on and help me out with my life. Thank you so much! I love you guys more than you will ever know <3

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BunniesArePuffy #1
Just dont let him hit you.
Thats when you leave.
Honestly, i think that he is stupid... but whatever c:
_PartyNinja_ #2
Blahhhh, who cares about Fay? Definitely not me :DD That other thing, it's in the past :D He played us all like his guitar.
I don't know why I love Dylan. The person that I knew, or well thought, is different than now. Well, yeah he's still funny and caring, but, he's just an sometimes. I see his lies a lot more and the kind of douche bag that he is, but I just can't help myself. I just want the Dylan that I fell in love with to come back. I miss all the times that we had. I guess he's my case of the jerk boyfriend that you always crawl back to.
BunniesArePuffy #3
Geez, this is se7en days late o.o (see what I did there? ;D)
Well I'm sorry about Fay. He was kind of an . Im also sorry about the other thing too (you know what im talking about).
Did I ever tall you about the first time I started dating him? Well it was at Gladden and it was my first year in teen camp. I met him and we were kinda friends. He was more friends with our friend Jess. Then there was this other girl named Tiffany (Tiff) who tried to hook us up. Then a few days later he said yes. The week past and then it was the weekend. What ever. Life goes on. Then it was monday. The first day of my second week at camp and we were going swimming. Before we left to go to the pool, Tiff and Dylan were passing notes. They wouldnt let me see. It was "Private". I kind of assumed there that they were up to something, but I brushed it off. Then later at the pool I found out that Dylan was "pretending" to date me, but he really wanted to date tiff.
The second time it was for like a week.. Before Adam and I started to go out. I cant remember why, but we broke up. This was also around the time of the drinking. Then we dated again for a week and he broke up with me while I was watching the super bowl. But he has never failed to come to me for advice. He asked me how to kiss and I told him everything that I knew. I dont know whats wrong with him. Im sad to say that after 4 years of knowing him, I really dont know him.
yeonaegi #4
^^ I love you too<3 And well, it's not your fault my love. Hopefully things will get better, no? Besides, what he feels probably wasn't what you feel.
And I guess you can say he's a jerk. Maybe. But maybe he should've heard you out? I'm sorry, I don't know the full story and that's okay. Whenever you're ready to talk, I'll be here. :3
And I've been around hiding everything, too. So you're not alone in this. In reality, everyone hides everything. I don't like to open up to those who hurt me sometimes, and it's hard to tell people what's on your mind because they might judge you(They will anyways).
But yeah... Feel better my love<3
_PartyNinja_ #5
Awh <3 I love you Sheena <3 I hate the reason for breaking up with him....so selfish T^T I broke if off because everyday I felt sick. I was phsyically ill from the crack of dawn till I went to bed. Me and him talked about it and said that we would try next school year. Well because, he was in high school while I was in middle. But I guess he changed his mind. He said that he felt that "I didn't want to be with him." and that "you hurt me so I wanted to hurt you.". We never saw each other till this school year T.T I'll always want your help and advice :DD And we shall talk <3 I'm sorry to be doing this but, I just don't know anything anymore and I guess I'm just tired of hiding everything. And of course, I'll be here for you too as well if you need some help to or just want to talk to somebody <3
yeonaegi #6
Oh my goodness. So many people with such terrible days they've lived. I'm sorry to hear about that, love. </3 D:
I wish I could help you but I can't relate to it. But I guess you can say I know how it feels. He's a jerk for doing this to you. Did you have a reason to break it off? /: I could probably help but not really sure. I want to help if you could let me. :3
Beside, I know many people always say these crappy advice but I'm sure you can find someone *better*. Though, I'm not sure if better is the right words you know? I've only been in one relationship and..she was such a flirt. I couldn't handle it even if he told me he ing loved me.
Ugh. But yeah, talk to me?
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