Review – 11:11 by Glitteryy

 

Title - 4/5

You chose the title 11:11 as the story’s title, and to be honest, it is quite attention-grabbing. I like how you used numbers as they do catch the reader’s eye. But then again, it does shorten the title so that if a reader is skim through titles, it might not be seen. The title is appropriate as it relates directly to one of the themes of the story, yet without giving the entire story away. It does create an air of mystery about the story, especially if you are unsure of the meaning. Overall, I like it!

Description and Foreword - 13/15

I like how you set up your description! I like how the 11:11 (Having 4 numbers) relates to the four main characters and one chance to the number ones etc. It is short and sweet, giving the reader enough to nibble so that they want to bite into it. It also doesn’t give any of the story away or your plot, but it isn’t vague to the extent that you have no idea what’s going on.

The foreword is brief, yet concise. It gives a bit of a background story on your own character and gives an example of her personality. It gives enough information without it being long-winded. The reader is also able to glance into the plot of the story as Toki is describing her life from a future point, yet you don’t learn the whole story from her description! Then, I really like how you state what 11:11 means as I hadn’t heard of it before the story. Only thing is that, ‘the time for milk and cookies,’ didn’t really fit where you’d placed it. I feel it would have been better if it was one of the earlier explanations. But other than that, I like how the reasons flow until eventually we find Toki’s definition of 11:11.

Poster/Background - 10/10

I gave full marks for the poster and the background because they create the appropriate mood for the story - light, ‘dreamy’, nostalgic and melancholic colours of blues and greys that suit the mood created by your description and foreword. Also, the background constantly links with the title and theme of the story ^^ And it isn’t distracting as it isn’t a .gif or bright and attention-grabbing, the reader can focus on the words and the background won’t distract them.

Plot/Originality - 35/40

Ok, so your plot isn’t entirely new – the whole idea of an obsessed fan-girl following her beloved, despite knowing she’d never be with him, partly due to her creepiness and partly due to the fact that he already has a girlfriend he’s madly in love with. Also, the idea of finding a new chance and starting over again isn’t new either. But you added a twist; Lizzie kills herself instead of the expected trying to kill the boy or girlfriend. I really hadn’t expected that in chapter 4! And then Leeteuk becoming slightly psycho was unexpected. There aren’t any holes in how this happened either, especially since you added all the scenes of Kibum and Toki acting all lovey-dovey and Lizzie happening to see this. It makes her death real, not random.

I did find a hole in where she had been stabbed though. I think it would have been better to have stated that so that the reader could imagine the banded Toki better. Then, I liked how you created the suspense to Toki waking up. It was well presented in Kibum’s point of view. And you surprised me again, when Toki didn’t want to speak! Usually, she would speak and it would all be sunshine and roses again, but you continued the drama and angst well, without it being overkill.

Most importantly, I love the progression your plot made. It started out as a seemingly predictable, lovey-dovey tale which would have a happy ending despite the drama. Yet, it does a complete one-eighty on the reader. I honestly hadn’t expected what’d happened. Really. And yet, nothing seemed out of place or weird. Not once did I wonder why something had happened, it was all perfectly explained and an appropriate build-up was created.

Well done for keeping the theme of 11:11 throughout the plot. The way in which all the key events took place at 11:11 was clever, without being repetitive. Your plot is also consistent, I never found myself wondering why I was reading what I was reading. It also flowed well, never did some scenes seem choppy and unnecessary.

I only deducted a few marks for the first few chapters, before Lizzie’s death, as they were a little too clichéd in some parts – the fluffy relationship and the constant reminder of their cute relationship and then Lizzie’s creepy stalker personality.

 

Characters and Characterization - 23/30

Toki – Well, I am not a fan of OCs. Usually, they’re Mary-Sue-ish and have no real personality, are put in these unrealistic situations and have these unbelievable lives. While at first, Toki seemed to fall into this category a little bit, you expanded her. She went from being 2D to 3D in a realistic, believable manner. At first, I thought she was a bit typical, especially her relationship with Kibum. In my eyes, it was just too fluffy, but that’s simply personal preference. She became 3D to me when she was never jealous or angry at Lizzie. She even stopped to tie her shoelaces so that Lizzie could say Happy Birthday to Kibum. A normal OC would glare and be all, ‘KIBUM IS MINE BIATCH!’ There was one occasion when I found her to be a little iffy, and that was when she began blaming herself for Lizzie’s death. It was unexpected, but not in a good way. But other than that, her actions were all human and understandable. She was a well thought out OC and writing her in the first person helped the reader to get into her head.

Kibum – While I don’t know too much about him, I think you made him a bit too jock-ish in your story. I think he would have been better suited as a musician in the school, rather than in the basketball team. But luckily, the story wasn’t centred on his basketball career. I’ve always seen Kibum as being a bit more emotional than most men and you portrayed this well. He was sweet and gentle, which suits him. I felt that you made him a bit too, ‘perfect’ in the beginning. He seemed like that typical Prince Charming, but then, he became real. His reaction to Toki’s lack of speech really bumped him into 3D, especially since you wrote him in 1^st person. That’s when he was knocked off his throne and became a real boy. He didn’t act all dashing, ‘true-love’s-kiss-will-wake-her-and-we’ll-live-happily-ever-after.’ – He worried, he felt helpless. Then, he didn’t act all, ‘You can’t leave me! You’ll never need anything else with me around!’ when Toki wanted to leave. He accepted it and tried to support her. I admire his willpower too. He waited for her for eleven years, but it was believable.

Lizzie – She was the only character I felt to be a little 2D. While her actions were unexpected, I think you could’ve explained her reasons more. Yes, she was in love with Kibum, but why? Maybe I missed something, but I was always left wondering why she’d fallen so madly in love with him. It leads me to believe it was because he was so popular, which would make her horribly clichéd. Also, I felt she died too quickly. You could’ve expanded more on her and her personality before she committed suicide. But, I’m glad you made her an unwilling villain and catalyst.

Leeteuk – In opinion, he was the most complex character in your story. He starts off as a happy-go-lucky type of guy who plays basketball and enjoys life in general. But then, he becomes disturbed by his sister’s death. While his actions and reactions are human and understandable, the build-up to them could’ve been better. His mindset change would’ve been easier to grasp if you had included more about his and Lizzie’s relationship before her death – maybe a cute scene or two to show their sibling bond. Also, his thought processes could have been explained a bit more – how he got to hating Kibum to the point that he wanted to kill him. But I like how he wanted to kill him, not only as revenge, but so that he could join Lizzie because he knew how much Lizzie loved Kibum. But his change of heart in the last chapter made me love him. His restoration and healing was explained well and I like how he still felt remorseful and he had realized that his behaviour had hurt those who loved him.

 

Style, Language, Vocabulary, Grammar and Punctuation - 30/40

I like your writing style. Simply put, it invokes emotion in the reader, which is a skill. Your style suited the story – you didn’t try to write something you weren’t suited to. I found my heart clenching the most when Toki told Kibum she had to leave, as she couldn’t stay in Seoul in anymore. I wanted to scream, ‘No! Don’t leave him!’ at the inanimate girl. And the scene when she’s leaving… meeeepppppp. I really wanted to comfort poor Kibum! You used such an accurate description and metaphor – a baby bird leaving its mother. Even if it is a little weird to imagine lovers as related in a metaphorical sense, but it worked well.

What I’m most impressed by is how your writing improved throughout the story! Your vocabulary improved, sentence structure got better and I found less mistakes as I read. It’s almost as though you, as the writer, connected with your characters and as a result, could portray them better to your readers.

You also didn’t try to impress and use these outlandish words that no-one really understands and doesn’t bother to look up, yet you never repeated too many words. I only had to re-read a few sentences in order to grasp what they were saying. You also weren’t technical and didn’t use words the readers wouldn’t understand or words that aren’t common.

So, I scanned through the chapters and these were the mistakes and I found and then corrected in red and italic. Some of them aren’t corrections, but just a better way of writing perhaps. Well, in my opinion at least, so feel free not to use them ^^

My father had laughed and said Toki was a silly name, but my mother was free to name me whatever she wanted.

Would maybe be better written as, ‘My father had laughed and said that ‘Toki’ was a silly name, but my mother had been free to name me whatever she’d wanted.

I had asked him if he felt creeped out, but all he had said was, don't worry, she'll grow out of it

‘I had asked him if he felt creeped out, but all he had said was, ‘don’t worry, she’ll grow out of it.’

And then he had pulled me to him and kissed the top of my forehead, so that I temporarily forgot all about Lizzie and grew contend to snuggle up against him.

And then he had pulled me to him and kissed the top of my forehead, so that I temporarily forgot all about Lizzie and grew content to snuggle up against him.

Because I came to school with him, walked to class with him, and had the same recesses as he did, she would always be in plain view. She came across as a asweet little thing; hair neatly tied up in a long ponytail, side swept bangs, and a neat uniform carefully creased and ironed.

To be honest, I was really quite freaked out by her. I felt this way because I came to school with him, walked to class with him, and had the same recesses as he did, and she would always be in plain view. She came across as a sweet little thing; hair neatly tied up in a long ponytail, side swept bangs, and a neat uniform carefully creased and ironed. – in  here, the word ‘creased’ doesn’t make sense as creased is messy and wrinkled and an ironed shirt wouldn’t be creased. So maybe try, ‘pressed’ or just change it to, ‘carefully ironed.’

He lifted me fro the ground and spun me around gently, causing my bag to fall to the ground.

He lifted me from the ground and spun me around gently, causing my bag to fall to the ground.

I squealed as I hit his sweaty arms, demanding to be let down.

I squealed as I was wrapped his sweaty arms, demanding to be let down. – Don’t ask why, but ‘hit’ just didn’t seem to fit in the picture in my head.

I played Kibum's guitar as he hummed along in the shower after yet another basketball training, horribly out of tune and making me laugh.

I played Kibum's guitar as he hummed along in the shower after yet another session of basketball training. He was horribly out of tune and this made me laugh.

Watch how you spell ‘content’ – contend means to ‘struggle in opposition,’ or to compete.

"Yah!" he shouted, grabbing me fluffy yellow treats and throwing them at me.

"Yah!" he shouted, grabbing my/the fluffy yellow treats and throwing them at me.

Soon I was surredering and beeging to be put down

Soon I was surrendering and begging to be put down

"What?" he said, shrugging his shoulders as he pulled me to roll on his bed.

"What?" he said, shrugging his shoulders as he pulled me to roll onto his bed.

Remember to make your ‘i’s capital if need be!

Leeteuk said she was obsessed, has pictures of me blown up and articles about me in the school newspaper carefully cut and filed.

Leeteuk said she was obsessed, she has pictures of me blown up and articles about me from the school newspaper carefully cut and filed.

I raised an eyebrow at Kibum and he smiled sheepishly, mouthing the words last time at me.

I raised an eyebrow at Kibum and he smiled sheepishly, mouthing the words ‘last time’ at me.

She stayed there the entire four hours, and only when Kibum entered the locker room did she stand up and walk down the stairs of the spectator seats.

She stayed there for the entire four hours and only when Kibum entered the locker room, did she stand up and walk down the stairs of the spectator seats.

I wondered if it was due to the lack of presents, but Lizzie would be getting her much awaited birthday present soon, a polaroid.

I wondered if it was due to the lack of presents… but Lizzie would be getting her much awaited birthday present soon - a polaroid.

We got home around eleven at night, and Lizzie headed up dtraight to her room, silently climbing the stairs and then shutting her bedroom door gently.

We got home around eleven at night, and Lizzie headed up straight to her room, silently climbing the stairs and then shutting her bedroom door gently.

She was obsessed with hi

She was obsessed with him

I had wanted to go and comfort her, but she had suddenly sobered up, dumped the cupcakes away, and then started on a new batch.

I had wanted to go and comfort her, but she had suddenly sobered up, dumped the cupcakes and started on a new batch.

I reache for the camera, and it is still there, haunting me

I reach for the camera, and it is still there, haunting me

Lizzie, dead.

Lizzie.

Dead. – while there’s nothing wrong with this phrase, I just think there would be more impact this way ^^

I can remember Lizzie at seven and dropped her first tooth.

I can remember Lizzie at seven, when she dropped her first tooth.

But killing.

But… killing… - not really a correction either, just adds more impact

I miss Lizzie alot and somehow memories can never make up for having her here, right in front of me.

I miss Lizzie a lot and somehow, memories can never make up for having her here, right in front of me.

We talk about Lizzie a little bit ore,

We talk about Lizzie a little bit more,

I hear Sumiko tell my parent I have taken a good first step.

I hear Sumiko tell my parents I have taken a good first step.

I grab my hoodie which I have prepared the night before and go down the stairs.

I grab my hoodie, which I had prepared the night before, and go down the stairs.

I peek in through the shutters and see everybody working hard on court.

I peek in through the shutters and see everybody working hard on the court.

Kibum is there, the murderer.

Kibum is there… the murderer.

The girl had liked me; far too much.

The girl had liked me… far too much.

The morning follwed a constant routine

The morning followed a constant routine              

but I pay no heed to the

but I paid no heed to them

She was, to me, a very precious friend now.

She was a very precious friend to me now.

Layout - 5/5

You structured your story well. There was no confusing alignment of text or random sentences. Also, the paragraphs weren’t too long or too short and I never found myself straining to take in all the information. Also, I’m impressed that you made it eleven chapters ^^

Enjoyment - 4/5

There is only one mark deducted for the fluffiness in the beginning of the story. Other than that, I thoroughly enjoyed reading each chapter and I know I’ll think back to this story in the future =] I enjoy reading angst and drama stories where everyone acts so painfully realistic that you almost think that there can’t possibly be a happy ending, but then the author surprises you. They also manage to end it in such a way that no other ending would’ve suited the story!

TOTAL – 124/150 = 83%

 

Review on review for Revelations

Personally, I feel the review is lacking. While it does mention a few aspects of the author’s writing, plot and characterization, it isn’t enough. It isn’t enough to help the author get better and I don’t think it outlines where the author needs to improve or even how to improve. It’s a little basic to me and it feels as though the reviewer skimmed over the story or wrote the review in a rush. Especially in the ‘Flow’ section - it could have been expanded. Why did it flow well? How was it not too slow? Not too fast?

I also think the reviewer might’ve mixed up the grammar section a bit. The author originally had it right, ‘Things like a hot a shower are rare indulgences to me.’ – but it could’ve been better written as, ‘Things, like hot showers, are rare indulgences to me.’ The ‘hot shower’ section is extra information and without it, the sentence would still make sense, therefore, the ‘are’ is used instead of ‘is’. ‘Things’ is the subject and the verb always relates to the subject.

Overall, the review is accurate, but I just feel it isn’t enough. If I, as an author, received it, it wouldn’t have a big impact on me. I wouldn’t know really why my story got the 86% or where I needed to improve and I would also feel as though the reviewer hadn’t really read through my story or enjoyed it as much as they said they had.