Saunters out into the school court yard with that same tattered,ole red leather book he always wrote in. It was time to write, using the same book he always had, despite he had been given a new one. Sits down Indian style on one of the stone benches with the old book opened in his lap, a pen tucked behind his ear. Reaches for it and stares down at his note book, beginning to write, the same smile on his face with a low soft mumble as he wrote and spoke aloud. "Greetings, about time I wrote in you once more, been longing to but as of late I've been busy wallowing in memories like I usually do. Or.. well lately, not something usual at all, but the more it happens the more 'usual' it is I suppose. But I digress, what is love? I found myself thinking about it earlier today when I spoke to one of the staff members. I'm often referred to as 'The Ladies Man' amongst my close peers. Yet I find myself alone, wae is this? As I sit and think about it, it stirred some questions and simple answers. It has come to my conclusion I don't feel safe. To just give my love away, my hopes,dreams,time of day all that would only crush me and sink my mood into the danger zone if one was not careful with these treasured gifts of mine. I don't feel anyone could take care of me emotionally, sure as a man I'm suppose to be the one in charge, or so they say. But love is so much more than psychical attraction and sharing affectionate feelings towards one another. You take care of each other, emotionally, psychically, financially and so much more. Maybe it's that right there that keeps me single, ani one puts deep thought into it, the simple thought of being alone drives them for a companion, there isn't a real cause for 'love' or so they call it. I find myself rejecting confessions like always. I feel there isn't any.. connection at all. I feel they only talk to you if they are interested, what about friendship? Playful cuddling, goofing around and being illogical and 'stupid' in public without a care in the word, has friendship been so under rated that it's simply ignored and used as a front and excuse to simply date? What is this? I can only wonder, I find myself lonely these days and it bothers me. To seek out love makes me sick, feel small and shallow. I know I'm human, but to seek out what isn't there will only end in inevitable disappointment and failure. People don't carry the wisdom and emotional strength to give me the sort of 'love' I need. Maybe that's wae I'm so kind to others, I have so much love to give to people. As I spoke to the earlier mentioned staff member I found myself wondering about myself, I'm apparently seen by this staff member as 'abnormal, and should talk less'. It stung me like a bee to hear that, but such is reality and to know it's not all accepting and loving like we sometimes want to see it as. Sometimes, I feel above everyone in a sense, not that I'm better, or have a job or am older or anything else. But the fact I'm more intelligent? I find it hard to have long conversations, or people to relate too without having to explain something in my deeper point of view. I find it hard to have friendship for very long without people (the ones who do tolerate my excessive thinking) falling for me. It's very hard and frustrating. I believe there are 3 types of people in the world... maybe 4. Those that love you, those that hate you, those that don't know you and those that don't care. I think my latter mentioning is a mix between dislike and not knowing. But I digress yet again, what is love? Is it only me that sees love so easily put? Am I the only one who.. can find words for love? As most say you can not describe love, when I infact.. can.. I am comforted to know I met Lee Da Hae awhile back, she seemed very alike to me and that brought peace to my soul and mind, even my heart. I do not claim to love this woman as I hardly know her at all, and she is my hyung's girlfriend. But it was wonderful to know someone could relate to me in a small sense and it just brought a relief to know I'm not like 'Tigger' in a way." Stops to softly giggle at his reference. "I hope to find someone who craves what I crave in love, that deeper meaning and purpose, who wants to take it slow, learn about one another, have fun with it. Just enjoy life together. Wae everything has to be a rush is quite pitiful, I don't think I'd rush off with someone if I already was with a girl who had my interest in the first place. How fickle is that and wae would people do it? Lack of courage maybe, who knows? Chingus say I'll find that person. That's just like me..someday, they just aren't here yet. I admit, as a patient person I grow impatient. I feel like a child with ani parents, that lack of love is starting to sink in, even friends do not quench my thirst for more. I find myself feeding my affection to my hyung who happens to be gay in very small or.. " sighs in thought. "Maybe rather large doses, I feel guilty because i do not see him more than a hyung at all. I feel I have sunk to a low level in my life, even my coworkers say I am not the same bright person I usually am. My days seem bleak as my happy mood doesn't.. last very long anymore. My hopes of being a cheer coach have faded into nothingness as I have lost any motivation I have ever had for it. Although to help women feel confident, have fun and keep their minds off dating still does bring me a peace of mind and a self proclaimed 'accomplishment'." Sighs deeply and briefly frowns at the thought. "I hope to find my match someday, as foolish and shallow as that simple sentence sounds, it makes me cringe as I write it out. Love is just so much more to me, wae am I the only one who understands,knows and feels that? On my off days, I feel surrounded by belligerence and idiocy. I hope to find my place in this world and find peace. I sign off my feelings with a quote by someone I deeply admire; “We build but to tear down. Most of our work and resource is squandered. Our onward march is marked by devastation. Everywhere there is an appalling loss of time, effort and life. A cheerless view, but true." - Nikola Telsa. I bid my beloved book good day as I will find a later time to discuss my feelings again." Sighs with that same warm smile and closes his book. Sitting there for a long time as he felt a great weight and perplexed feeling leave him.