General Note: As with last time, please let me know if you feel that there is a discrepancy between points assigned and the commentary I provided. Also, feel free to check my math. If I made an error, I will fix it.

Note to Whytheglumface: Since your story has just begun, I can't give a complete and comprehensive review of it as of now. The rating on this review is only tentative. If you have any questions or concerns about the rating scale and criteria, refer back to my profile. If that does not address your question/concern, feel free to PM me about it.

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Title: "My Pocky Love"

Author: Whytheglumface

Title: 15/25 points

It is unique, but the connection to the story isn’t very clear. The analogy of Pocky was used once, but unless it’s a recurring motif/theme, you really shouldn’t use it in the title, which is supposed to represent the entire story in some way. Also, it’s probably a good idea not to use a title that has “My _____ Love” because there are a ton of those out there.

It doesn’t sound ridiculous, but it doesn’t particularly draw me in either.

Description: 7/10 points

The description asks thought-provoking questions, but it drags for too long. I think just one or two questions would have been enough. Readers will probably get impatient after the first five lines and want you to get to the point and give a description of what the story is actually about.

I feel like your description is more like background information than a summary of the story’s essentials without spoilers, but it’s kind of a blurred line. However, I think the last line of the description works as a good hook for readers.

Foreword (if applicable): +1 bonus points

I’m a person who’s against character profiles. All of that information can be integrated into your actual story. Also, your readers most likely already know what all of the idols involved look like, so the pictures are unnecessary. Mostly the profiles just take up space.

The first paragraph of the foreword is good since it provides a lead-in to the story.

Presentation: 6/15 points

Your poster and background were nicely done. However, since they are very brightly colored, they could be distracting to readers. It just depends on the person.

The author’s note at the end of your foreword was extremely painful on my eyes to read. I suggest that you keep your font size between 12 and 16, and change colors as little as possible. If I had come across this story on my own, the giant rainbow of text would have been a turn-off because it seems very juvenile.

It’s best to keep your fonts consistent. Your font type and size changed between the first and second chapters and then again between the second and third. Italics should be reserved for thoughts and flashbacks only, which you did fine with for the first chapter but not the second. Unless an entire chapter is a flashback or mental monologue, you shouldn’t put it all in italics. You should pretty much never use bold font.

Spelling/Grammar/Usage/Mechanics: 15/20 points

I think your grammar is okay for a non-native speaker, but you do change between past and present tense a bit too often. There are spelling mistakes here and there that could be easily solved by using a spell-checker.

Diction: 8/10 points

You don’t seem to have an issue with varying your vocabulary, so that’s good. There are places where you used the wrong words, but at least it’s clear what you meant.

Flow: 10/20 points

For author’s notes…it’s best to keep all of your thoughts at either the beginning or the end rather than splitting them up. For someone who’s not reading the chapters as you’re updating but rather sometime later down the road, the A/Ns are very distracting and disrupt the flow of the story. In fact, I suggest that a few days after you post author notes, you should go back and delete them since they become irrelevant over time, unless they pertain to the story itself and not your personal life.

I see you like to insert pictures in your story. Don’t do it. It shows that you can’t properly describe the character or setting or object to where the readers can imagine it on their own. It’s pretty distracting as well. It’s a literal interruption to the story for the reader, a giant gap that the person has to scroll through to resume reading again. If you want to provide a reference picture for a particularly important thing (do not use references for insignificant details), I suggest that you put it in an author’s note. At the very least link to it (preferably an embedded link) rather than directly paste the image itself.

Although your scenes transition fine, the formatting does make everything, past and present, seem to run together when it shouldn’t.

Characterization: 5/20 10 points

• of idols

Since I am not familiar with EXO, Krystal, or Hyuna, I can’t really say much about how accurately portrayed they are. Also, since EXO hasn’t appeared enough and done enough where people can develop a very concrete idea of what kind of personalities they have, that doesn’t give me much to work with to judge anything. I’m omitting this section (I won’t give any points for it and the points from this category count towards the total possible).

• of the original character(s)

You described Sun Hyun as shallow, perfect, and 2D. It sounds more like a description you would use for a bad guy in the story because most people don’t really like shallow people. She seems a bit obsessed with having a boyfriend, which, personally, to me, is kind of pathetic. However, she does seem to have moral concerns, so she’s not hopeless.

Plot: 25+?/65 points

• Comprehensibility/Believability: 10/20 points

The scene at the end of Chapter 1 and beginning of Chapter 2 with Mr. Weirdo guy (Sehun) made no sense to me. If he has no idea who Sun Hyun is, it’s very unlikely he’d ask her out. The fact that she was considering accepting the confession was also not very believable. Even if she is shallow, most people don’t simply go out with strangers they’ve just met.

• Originality/creativity: 15/30 points

So far, I haven’t seen anything super original. The pregnancy story has been done many times. However, since the story has just begun, I have no way of knowing whether this will go off in a more original direction.

• Unity of the work: ?/15 points

Omitted since I don’t have enough to work with.

Emotional Reactions: -2 points

I thought it was funny when Sun Hyun slapped Kai. I don’t think that was supposed to be funny…

I didn’t really feel much in the scenes between Luhan and Sun Hyun, but that may be more because I don’t have much of an interest in the EXO members. It’s easier to get attached to the characters and their emotions if you are a fan of the idol being portrayed.

Overall Impression: ?/10 points

It’s hard to say much about my impressions because the story is incomplete (thus the points for this section will be omitted). However, I can say that I think the story would appeal to people who like the idols who are involved, enjoy romance as a genre, and don’t mind the cliche. For those who are looking for something more original with a plot beyond romance, it would be less eye-catching.

Total (91 main +1 bonus -2 penalty points)/165 points=54.5%