so, the day before yesterday me and my friends were talking about the end of the world, 2012 and other load of bull. nad then i was asked if i believed in God.

and it was, honestly, so hard to answer, you know that?

i was raised as Catholic (The Roman Catholic Church, to be exact). even though my grandparents were very religious, my parents didn’t really… care? about Church and stuff, so i wasn’t forced to attend a mass every Sunday, like every Catholic should. i knew the prayer since forever, though, so i was praying every evening, like every Catholic should. so i wasn’t going to church, that is, until we started preparing for the First Holy Communion. then, of course, i started.

the thing is, i always felt so bad when our teacher of religion (we have it as a respective subject in school) was talking about loving Jesus and God, and Mary, and i, being 9 years old, didn’t feel this way. so i supposed, i’m going grow up to this, right?

but it kinda… didn’t happen.

i tried going to church, i tried praying, i tried believing, in fact. i was struggling with myself like this until the Confirmation, that is when i was 16. then i figured, being religious wouldn’t work out in my case. but again, i tried to change my thinking.

but then, it was by the end of the first grade of high school i think, i shamelessly stopped.

be it cliché or not, i just matured enough to let my views? stabilize. which means, i’m not fighting with my brain anymore. and, preatty much, i don’t believe in God.

what i repied exactly, is: i believe in existence of something bigger, something what is suprnatural. maybe i believe in God’s existence, but i don’t believe in God.

i’m not going to worship him, i’m not going to go to church every Sunday, i’m not going to confide every first Friday, i’m not going to not-eat-meat during lents or whatever. it’s just, this won’t do, for me.

why are we supposed to adore someone (something?), who - supposedly in their greatness loves us and gives us their grace and all - lets all of the bad things happen? earthquakes, catasthropes, mass murders, wars, lies, evil in general. why did they create homouals if they don’t have rights, in Church’s meaning, to be happy or to live not against their orientation? why did they create this evil people, who have no brakes to harm others, like Hitler, for example? why do they allow demons and ghosts possess innocent people (if you believe in it, of course). most of the priests’ or nuns’ answers i know is ‘a human has free will, they can choose what they want to do and who they want to be’. so, yeah, according to you, if someone’s gay, they have to let go of their own happiness in order to be a proper Catholic. this is absurd. why would you, oh the great creator of everything, encode in their heads that they’re gay? this is absurd, really, this is plainly stupid.

all the time i’m talking about my religion only, remember that. and i can say, my religion is full of contradictions.

i don’t know if anyone of you has ever been in the concentration camp in Aushwitz, in Poland? this is probably the best example. i mean, you are not able to feel the gravity of The Holocaust, if you haven’t been there. millions were dying in that place, and believe me, it’s not even this big. but inside, there are TONS of glasses, prosthesis, shoes, hair, all behind glass walls for the visitors to see and understand the problem of the second world war. and tell me, where was your God when all of this was happening? when millions of innocent people were dying? it was his will, their time to join him in heaven, some may say. and i say, from my point of view, screw that kind of will, then.

this is very personal, i know. but people have to agree that being religious depends on the place you were born in. if i was born in China, i would have probably been Buddhist, right? i would believe Buddha is the ‘real god’, right? not some Jahwe, or Allah, or anyone.

Church in my country, church as in instituation, is stupid. i’m not going to follow their rules, when they claim what they are claiming all the time. this is absurd. unbaptized children are going to hell? why? what have they done? gays are in the ‘heart’ of hell? then what about murderers who got absolution, they go to heaven? while divorced people go to hell, because they’re living as sinners. this is absurd. and people believe in this. why.

i have so much more to say, but i'll just shut up now XD