I don't know why I'm like this.

I'm fine but I'm lost.

I'm searching for answers when clearly, the only one answer is GOD. Everything points back to Him, but why am I so tired of waiting?

Sometimes I do think I'm content with everything what I have and I just pray to God, saying thanks for this and that and stuff...

But inside me is a whirlpool of questions that I want to see answered now...

I don't know why I won't relieve my own heart by just going to God and pouring my heart out as always...or just going to someone close. God gave us these resources for a reason.

But then...

Sometimes, I forget all too soon why I have to say what I have to say and how to say what I'm currently dreading feeling at the moment, and I close up. I don't know how to go and tell people my ache so that I can get it over with...

Am I burdened about telling them?

Am I afraid of disappointment?

Or am I just bad at trusting people?

And...why am I not even going to God?

I'm basically killing myself, aren't I?

Idk, maybe it's just tonight I'm feeling this. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. Maybe.

But then why do I always dread going to school the next day, when I know it might not be as that bad? Why do I count down all the hard stuff in school I have to do so that I can quickly get over it and go home, only to return sullen? Why am I so good at acting? Why am I not chasing my dreams? Why am I afraid? Why am I not giving myself a heartfelt convo with someone that I know I need? Why am I only depending on earthly things? Why can't I ever settle on just happiness? Why can't I ever achieve the things I want to?

Why does she never listen as well as she used to? Why is she saying all those things to them about me? Why is she so forgetful? Why aren't we ever texting as much as we used to? What happened to us? Why am I like this? Why are these lost feelings suddenly coming back again? Other people can express their pain so well...why can't I?

I want to be saved, but I don't know how to reach out....or whether I even can anymore. The whole world is a burden sometimes, and I always have a pessimistic view first even if I want to get rid of it. I find restoration in writing but I don't even know how to express real feelings thru real writing anymore....

I'm so lost.

Losing touch...

What's happening to me?

Who am I?

Will I ever be the same again?

That answer...I will might never know.