I had an idea for a group, which ended up being a long-ish time ago. Had member problems earlier than I had hoped.
Um... I don't know. It's hard to feel so left out of something that has been a constant in my life for so long. I feel like I'm living in a sort of cloud or bubble, in a way that gets dangerously close to making me feel like my life is either all a lie or worse. I am worried about my emotional stability.
So that at least another person outside of my immediate bubble can hear about a bit of my story, I will share some numbers.

'10 - MT, the first one to bail and who later told me it was my fault that I didn't push them hard enough. 1 mo/6 yrs.
'11 - EA, second to bail, did try to warn. The ending was catastrophic. Lots of apologies. 4 mo/2 yrs
'12 - EZ, kept at it even after the pushing someone hard but quit eventually. 2 mo./1 yr
'13 - CL was excited at first and then 'summer thing.' tried to accommodate. 2 mo./1 yr.
'15 - YN after a long drive over, didn't stand to try any of the moves. Different lifestyles. 3 mo./2 yr.
'16 - NN gave it a fair try but we had different goals. 3 mo./1 yr.
'17 - town literally tore down the posters we had hung and trashed them. Found a crumpled-up bunch of them littered around. It was kinda scary. 
'18 - RL had a scheduled meeting and preparations. waited all day and no responses. 2 wks./1 yr.
'19 - somehow the weather canceled a lot of interesting things.
'20 - well. couldn't try on any except dig, lost access after broken device, injuries. 
'21 - initial eager, reluctance, then ghosted. recovering from shock. 2 mo./4 yrs

I just want to remind myself with all this that I am a living human being and that all these numbers were part of my life with great meaning at the time. I am going through another rough time right now. I want to recover. I don't blame anyone, but I do need some space to realize just how hurt and battered all these experiences have made me. I am scared for my health and well-being on account of the pain. I was hoping that by sharing it, even if not thoroughly, it would help me feel like someone might at some point hear of how I am still trying, even after all the hurt. I really wanted these to end well, but most have a bleak follow-up. It is pretty sad, because what we try to do is so positive after all, and I have appreciated all the attempts to make it roll. I need a moment to relax. I appear to be more hurt than I expected myself to be.