Hello, there. I'm sorry for disturbing any of you to read the blog that I made in the middle of the night. I just want to rant where my readers or strangers read my 'anger'. Well, you can share your opinion or stories maybe. Anyways, this story was just a side story in my life and how it'd happened. I just picked most of it.

TW: Anxious

My POV.

I would like to ask anyone of you, are you one of the empath people? If yes, you might feel this way the same as me.

First of all, you glad that someone opened up to you and you feel like you are in their shoes even though you are not exactly there with them or actually you are just a stranger that can feel their 'pain' in their life when they started to tell you. Second, you might think that you are overwhelmed over the emotions that they bought. But you never blame them cause you thought that you are just overdramatic about it neither they are healing nor still feel the same way as before. You wanted to be alone sometimes, you've enjoyed being alone. You're kind of an observer if you're not talking to anyone. You feel exhausted whenever the story keep the same but different time that being told, instead, you feel guilty if you're not listening to them enough. 

Is that how you feel? Maybe we might be different, but that's how we usually empath feels.

Since I was in school, I'm a good listener, be there for them. They were just comfortable around me or maybe asking some advice. Somehow, I convinced them that I'm the toxic person among them and they need to be aware of it. Time goes by, and I'm about to commit to what I wanted to be. If there's a compliment, it's always good-hearted, kind, respectful, etc. I'm aware of my behaviour to anybody who befriends me. There's no flaws or maybe hide. In some cases, I'm the quiet kid just because they are excited to tell me about their day or their lives. Sometimes, I forgot that I wanted to share something but I was afraid that it can make them upset. Thinking of that, I let my day passed like that and keep doing as a listener. Until I enter college, in my 2nd year where I met people, men specifically who 'knows' about my personality and 'conquered'. Am I a test subject? Yes. I wasn't prepared for that and even fell deep there and never see 'light' again but still— I was thinking if this kind of karma they said? I keep breathing and calm during the breakdowns. The smile on my face changed but they never noticed including friends. I'm having trust issues since then and it became a lot more worst when I met another in my last 2nd year of college and it was my former classmate. I was stupidly thought that he would be different since he is the mysterious kid in our class. I've made a mistake again in my early 20's. What a shame. 

In addition, his past trauma makes me believe his issues are shaped like that just because of his awful terrible past. I poured more love because he was lack of affection and it's really disturbing me if I left him even though he felt okay. You see, I'm the toxic here right? I became needy, dependent and need more attention from him. Day by day, we became worst; basically, the man who has a trust issue and the woman who pretend not to have a trust issue and proceed to give love even though her heart was doubtful in the first place.

And now in adult life, where I saw everyone change right before my eyes. I know this going to happen someday. I know I can't be dependent even though I know how to be independent. I chose to do it all alone, I don't know if I choose the right thing or not but now I'm comfortable without getting affection; I was actually ignored my inner child voices.

I'm starting to feel numb when I'm sad or angry. Especially when I'm angry. Someone's crying and I was just staring at them, I feel the pain but I just can't be like in my teenage years where everybody does anything bad or good where I just smile as nothing happen. Someone showed affection but I'm not interested in it. I tend to push people away when I'm sad or mad at anything. Isolated is my cure and I don't care if people wanted to understand it or not. In my last year in college, where there I'm pretending that my phone was broken. So I can't connect with colleges' people. Instead of them, I'm still a student that got recognized by a lecturer so I have to show myself after all BUT only using e-mail or others platform that only formal to use. Social media basically, boom, just a piece of trash and I'd be an observer. Someone starting to noticed where have I been, unexpectedly from an unexpected person, which is she's one of my best friends now. Wow, She noticed. G R E A T.

But no that comfortable just to make many excuses. I'm starting to feel low and scared at the same time. I'm starting myself is this the real me where I don't like to get noticed like before or I don't like to play perfectly all day long just because I'm scared of judgement? The class of online began and I only respond when the lecturer needs. My phone 24/7 on silent and there's no notification. Some of the classes that I nearly got barred. The fear of ending this learning makes it more obvious that I have to show myself more and 'pretend' again. Just because I'm in my 20's I have to act mature, isn't it? I forgot about myself again. I'm losing it again. As long as, people would be pleased to see me and connect with me, I felt fine. Weird. 

Because of thinking about others thinking about myself, rather than being judge as selfish, maybe I just came out and solve myself even though I don't want it. One of my best friends showed me affection and I can't accept it. I feel wrong. The cringe that I can't embrace it at all and I hate it. She would like to 'change' me but I was stopping her from doing so and warned her about my current personality. Even though I am emotional unavailable I'm still giving them advice and try to comfort them by talking but most of all, the rage was what I did. Example; break up story. All I did was inner rage and nearly verbal abuse what in the situation. 

I started to notice about myself that liked to use a curse word or any negative towards people. I got trembling and shaking vibrate all over my body. All of my best friends like physical affection meanwhile I'm the only one that only can accept if they are closed with me. However, they are not allowed to hug me whenever they want. It's cruel, isn't it? Yeah, it is. But I manage to hold my cringe and hug them if they are in need. One of them diagnosed with mental illness where I'm aware of it since before she got that. In a nutshell, all of their current situation I know. Their mental health state since this pandemic happened, I know. Late-night texts, late-night calls, all here with me. But, again, I do not feel anything and just be there for them is enough for them.

Lovely?

NO.

I was rejecting many of the calls or any permission to call me lately. Well, just because I'm doom in this 4.0 of lock-down from this reality. I was feeling guilty and asked them if they are okay with it or not. Sometimes, I just have to distract my anger and talk to them or maybe chill with them? Again, it just a distraction. So today, I was rejecting it again and asked them many times, but they just okay with that and we're not on call this late-night like usual. Then, all of their profile became blank. I was in anger mood right now and decided to write down for relief method. I'm mad just because they are faking it to be okay and make it more obvious in their profile, status or etc. I'm mad because I'm such a selfish person to overthinking all of the other people thinking about me and starting hiatus for no reason. I'm mad because I know I can't do anything right now. I'm trying to be calm whenever I'm mad or in anger state. Where I just lay down and close my eyes, however tonight it's not the right time. So I chose to write. My head full of arguments, intrusive thoughts about anything as possible that can 'cure' my anger. Well, if I followed my heart I will probably break all my devices and let them sink in. There's no interaction with people again, right?

Once more, adult cope.

End of my rambling. 

I'm hoping this kind of share not triggering any of you or any intention. I'm gladly talking in this way and that's how I control since my teenage years. It just not cured enough and don't feel satisfying at all but at least, I avoid not get myself in trouble, aye? Interact with this passage if you feel relatable or not at all, :)