personality 

to her mother, boyoung was a plaster that she could fill and model to her liking. when she was young, she didn't know how to live for herself because her mother was the one she needed to please. not only was her mother cold and berating to her own child, but she was also very unsupportive of boyoung's own wishes. somehow, in a twisted way, she has her mother to thank for being the paragon of what boyoung never wants to become.

boyoung, after meeting junghee and everyone, has developed into a driven, progressive, free thinker with no tolerance for people who don't take themselves seriously. she speaks bluntly and with no ounce of uncertainty in her voice; her ambition and charisma are what people know her for. unfortunately, she can come off as a bit unnecessarily rude. she is very brusque with her words, her tone often sounding more critical than necessary. paired with her stoic expression and furrowed brow, it's not hard for her coworkers to call her a behind her back. her first impression is usually bossy and in charge, and most don't seem to appreciate her attitude.

she's quite emotionally stunted, which is why she behaves the way she does; she doesn't really know how to be affectionate or emotionally available to anyone. her first reaction to emotions is frustration and anger, which she never knows where to direct so she begins to blame herself and the things around her that she can't control. she has a hard time communicating her needs and ailments without being harsh or aggressive in her tone, leading to frequent misunderstandings and bad first impressions. she still doesn't understand how to talk to people intimately and she struggles with putting her feelings into words without using simple terms that don't completely define how she feels, but talking to her friends helps a lot, knowing they understand and can read her effortlessly.

when she's around her friends, she loosens her ponytail and kicks back with her feet on the table, finding herself laughing freely with them. her friends are the people who make her the happiest, even muyeol, who she shares a moment with on occasion. she owes them a lot for helping her become the person she is now, which makes her entirely convinced that these people were meant to be her family.

 

background 

boyoung was an emotional child, having been hungry for attention and affection from both her parents, who seemed to be in the middle of a separation. her father was never home, claiming to be on business trips, and her mother was always home, drinking her sorrows away and yelling at that man who always came back from two week vacations smelling like perfume and fruity alcohol. her mother made her lunch and kept her company at home but she never showed her much affection at all; in place of motherly love she recieved pressure to go to a university in korea and recieve the best education possible. she didn't put much effort into making friends after her mother told her she should put more energy into studying for college. with the mindset that she should live to fulfil her broken mother's wishes, she steeled herself and locked her emotions away in a metal box with her willingness to be likeable.

boyoung met junghee shortly after her parents' divorce, a bit after she entered middle school. she shared classes with all three members of the trio, but she really only talked to junghee, who was nice enough to eventually introduce her to her other friends. something about junghee, this girl, made her question her place as her mother's robot. perhaps it was the shining, beautiful spirit of her soul or the softness in her smile; maybe it was the way everyone looked so inviting and fond despite being aware of boyoung's reputation as class — something seemed to file away at the chains she set in place. at first she joined them out of necessity, thinking of them more as a short-term study group rather than amiable aquaintances you would greet in the hallway, or the type of friends you would hang out with outside of class. another few weeks of lunchtime invitations passed and junghee started asking her if she wanted to hang out with them after school.

no, it's fine, i don't think i'll add much to your group, she says.

why not give yourself a chance? they ask.

boyoung's heart seemed to warm in the years she was growing and changing with them, but she still had no idea what the feelings she was experiencing were. she knew she was, simply put, happier around them, but she didn't understand what made her feel that way. she chalked it up to not being around her mother as often, but the joy she felt while speeding down the street on sungho's bike handles wasn't the same as her coming back to a house with her mother absent. she didn't feel the tingly sensation that danced down her spine when she snuck out past curfew for the first time unless she was around them, nor was she able to experience the euphoric blushing of her cheeks when a girl smiled at her without everyone's unwavering support.

high school was a time when boyoung's childhood emotions were broken and released. she was a rebellious teenager, often defying her mother's commands to instead discover the things that truly made her soul take flight. she often came home late after hanging out with her friends to find a serving of food on the table; in case you wanted it, the note always said. high school was when boyoung found her love for design and fashion, thumbing through borrowed fashion magazines from her aunt and searching for the latest up-and-coming designers at the library instead of actually studying. in the middle of senior year, she started a conversation with her mother about going to fashion school instead of university that turned into a screaming match that led to boyoung not returning home the next day— nor the following years.

boyoung moved into minseo's guest house for the remainder of senior year. after her fight with her mother, she decided to put all of her energy into applying for sungkyunkwan university in seoul to become a design student. just a few days after graduation, she took a train to seoul and moved in with her aunt until she earned enough to get an apartment of her own. everyone went their separate ways, one of the only people she talked to before leaving was younghwi, who made a promise with her to check in and lean on each other when times were tough. the thought of coming back to tongyeong never crossed her mind as she continued her life in seoul where the shackles of her mother's expectations had been broken, though, the thought of leaving people behind was, in a word, heartbreaking. the more time she spent in this new city, the freer she felt; her soul was soaring over the clouds with the premise of new opportunities and grander horizons. from a distance, she looked like she might fly away any second, rising higher and higher with every detail of her newfound dreams coming true. the price tag on freedom and ambition, however, came with metric tons of work, and with work came a lack of free time. she was fine with this, it's better i keep myself busy anyway, but this lack of free time filled in the spaces she used to keep available to spend precious time with sungho and hyeongmin. texts and propositions to make plans came less frequently from her while cancellations of weekly events started to become more frequent. eventually those who understood were the ones who understood and those who didn't faded into the background. communication fizzled out for most, including muyeol and raon, who lived in the same city as her.

raon's ringtone rung out across the room for the second time. boyoung hadn't processed the fact that this was her childhood friend's set ringtone, so it took her a while to stumble out of her desk chair and grab her phone from the nightstand.

"he—" she forgot to unplug it from the charger in her effort to get to the stand before the ringtone ended. "hello? raon, slow down, what did you say?"

she turned down her music, only hearing the last few words. silence filled her room.

 

trivia 

· very serious about her future, mostly looking to become someone her younger self can look up to

· boyoung didn't look for her mother at her graduation, rather spending her graduation day by herself at the beach, drawing circles in the sand with her feet

· she discovered her love for fashion after finding fashion magazines addressed to her mother from her aunt in the trash; she pulled them out and read them over and over, hiding them under her mattress and taping them under her desk

· her aforementioned aunt is a bit eccentric and filled with whimsy, so they aren't exactly close, but she let her live in her apartment in seoul while she found her own. her aunt and mother aren't close either, which is why they never met until boyoung used her return address to send her a letter asking for more magazines

· boyoung never knew her father and has no plans to meet him or find him

· the group is what she considers her chosen family, since none of her blood relatives were close enough to be considered actual family

· boyoung didn't actually look at junghee's body when she went to the viewing because she was scared of what she would feel when she saw her; at the funeral she didn't cry or feel anything when everyone else was giving their eulogies. when she got home, she sat on her bed and listened to the last voicemail junghee sent her just a few months ago on repeat and cried by herself

· boyoung made a group chat in case everyone loses contact with each other! it goes silent after a while but it was worth the effort after the three months it was blowing up

occupation intern at sellout co. and a part timer as a mannequin dresser at a small, grad student-run boutique

sunday: dress mannequins at 5am and check displays before leaving at 7am, usually when the boutique opens or before then & comes back to redress them the next week

mon-fri: at design firm for an 8 hour shift, shadowing and sitting in on meetings; shifts typically last from either 8am to 4pm or 9am to 5pm

saturday: day off, will sometimes go to the boutique to see what she has to work with for sunday if she wasn't able to come in before closing on weekdays; she will also call the boutique owners to discuss designs for the upcoming line they need help with if she feels she needs to help

boyoung has consistently struggled with her emotions since she was a child and never figured out how to handle them when they bubble to the surface. her main issue is that she usually deals with her feelings by reacting in anger and frustration out of confusion and loneliness; she never knows how to express herself to other people and believes unloading her baggage onto others is just a burden they have to carry for her. this struggle between her and her own emotions is the root of most of her problems, as when she does something to come off harsh or unfeeling in a situation that calls for sympathy or understanding, she simply doesn't understand how to react. she seems to know how to care for other people but she has no clue how to start caring for herself. because of this disconnect, she doesn't know how to reach out for help from friends or professionals and she feels angry about it. her friends aren't aware of her emotional turmoil because she can't put into words how she feels using simple terms because her feelings are so much more complicated than happy, sad, or angry. however, they do see her behavior in emotional situations and wonder what they can do for her; they leave it up to her to reach out so that she can pour her heart out when she feels ready.

her mother is also the root of her emotional turbulence, as she was never supportive of who boyoung really was. they haven't spoken since the fight in senior year and boyoung isn't ready to face her mother again, even if only by coincidence. her friends know her issues with her mother well, as the source of her rebellion lies with the way her mother tried to mold her into a doll filled with achievements she couldn't reach herself.

are you ready to return to tongyeong? 

"to be honest..." boyoung sighs, her notifications silently lighting up her phone next to her. her stomach churned, the expression on her face twisting into a mix of bitterness and sobriety. "i'm not really sure. i don't really wanna run into the ghosts of my past, so to speak, but i also think i owe it to junghee to visit her before she moves on."

 

"i keep contact with a few of them, or—" her expression is unreadable while she looks down and picks at her fingernails. "i... i try to. it takes me a while to reply because of the boutique work and the internship responsibilities... i have a lot on my plate right now and some people can't understand that." her tone turns slightly aggrivated. "it's hard to stay constantly communicating with a bunch of people so the people who can't be patient drop like flies."

 

what were you doing when you got the news? 

boyoung's fingers continued fidget and her gaze remained on the floor. "i was in my design book. i didn't hear the ring at first. the music was playing too loud. i wasn't expecting to recieve a call from anyone that night." she placed a strange, almost disbelieving tone on "anyone".

 

is there anything you wish you would have told junghee before she died? 

"i would rather just somehow be able to spend a few more hours with her. we'd sit at the swings again and look at the clouds while the others are around, but not entirely there. it'd be just us laughing at nothing and talking about nothing." her brow is furrowed, her nose scrunched up into what looks like a frustrated expression. "i'm not really good at telling people things i like about them, so we'd just do that."

 

what is your favorite memory with junghee? 

boyoung smiles, her expression the brightest it's been since the interview started. "that's an easy one," she remarks, taking a deep breath and continuing. "my mother had just shredded my favorite issue of 032c, the one my aunt sent me that was just mine, and not meant to be sent to or touched by anyone else. junghee was the first one i called, for some reason. she kidnapped me, as she said in her text, and we shouted at the ocean for an hour, maybe. our voices were gone in class the next day, so we both got in trouble. she whispered to me, let's do it again tomorrow, and i laughed, though it was a little painful."

 

what is your way of coping with stressful and emotional situations? 

"i'm just fine coping with emotional stuff," she says firmly. her response seems rather aggressive. "i don't really cry or whatever." she scoffs. "i don't really feel like talking about this."

 

is there anything you'd like to tell your friends? 

she feels her chest tighten. tell them that you miss them, or that you love them, she clears uncomfortably. what have you got to lose by telling them your feelings?

"i'd tell them not to cry too long and to just... remember her in the best way possible. dwelling on her death probably doesn't help her, wherever she is now."

 

if you were asked to stay a few more days, maybe even a week for your friends, would you be willing to stay? 

"i have a bunch of things to do when i get back to seoul, and even more now that i've already requested an loa to spend a few days in tongyeong for the viewing and the funeral." she realizes how callous she sounds. she would be lying if the words she said didn't also twist a knife in her stomach. "i... would try to stay if i was asked," but it wouldn't be for more than a couple of days. she bit her tongue, wondering what her firm would say if she spent more than a week on leave.