tw mabye ??

ive been struggling with depression since like middle school but this is literally the WORST ive been at mentally and ive been hiding from my closest friends for years bc i really didnt wanna talk about it but yeah ive literally cried at least once every day for the past week and i'm so exahusted all the time bc ill cry myself to sleep and then have to wake up early and get ready for school and pretend like im happy and it's just so tiring !!! 

ANYWAYYSSS im writing this because my mental state has been making me feel like everything i do is meaningless and i just feel very hopeless and unmotivated to do anything i used to enjoy doing. im just struggling finding the point of life rn. i spoke about this on my a/n on ao3 but i didnt add it to my a/n on here bc i didnt think anyone would care so im just writing it as a blog post for anyone who actually cares enough to read this. idk how many ppl are actually going to read this, but if you do read it and i do deactivate/disappear one day pls let other readers know what happened so no one is confused LOL. 

ive mentioned this before on twitter or whatever but i honestly just feel like everything ive ever written/try to write is just horrible trash and i KNOW ppl enjoy it and that it's just my depression clouding my logic but i cant help it. and with the decline of comments it just makes me feel even worse, not to blame readers for not commenting im just saying that everything that happens to me i keep percieving in a very negative way even tho it's not that deep and i cant help it. 

i will DEFINITELY (at least i will try my hardest) to finsih APTMA bc i promised to do so and i still have loyal commenters who i really dont wanna disappoint. plus i put everything i have into that story and theres no way im going to abandon it without a fight. 

i know this seems dramatic and its not evena big deal to anyone bc its just fanfics that you read every now and then but for me, writing is such a big part of my life bc i spend so much of my free time for you guys like you dont even know how much time i spend thinking of ideas and writing like i schedule my day around updating stories sometimes. so yeah sorry if it seems dramatic but i just spend so much time doing it so obviously it affects me lol. but yeah since i've been feeling so down about writing and life in general, i dont know if i will continue writing after i finish aptma. 

i know this probably isnt gonna affect anyone that much since theres plenty of other authors out there so its not like youll be missing anything, but i just wanted to write this bc ive promised to write so many more fics and now i just dont know if ill be able to bc i just dont really feel like anyone cares anymore/theres not really a demand for new fics from me anymore.  i know this might not actually be the case but yeah i just feel so hopeless rn and idek what to do i dont even have time to get professional help bc im so busy with school work. so if i do stop writing, i just wanna say sorry for all the fics i said id write :(

BUT YEAH LOL if i ever do deactivate/disappear i guess ?? one day i didnt want it to be a surprise and leave you guys confused bc i know how sad it can be when an author just leaves out of nowhere. 

ANYWAYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS if you read this whole thing, thank you so much. 

thank to those who always comment and make me feel so much better about my writing bc i never know what im doing.