Yes, it's Monday (20/1/2020) rn and I'm feeling a bit empty since last week..Why you ask?

So, yeah..Last week (12th - 18th January) I was STRESSED OUT because of our FINAL EXAM. Studying, reading my notes and so on..(geeezz, being a University student is indeed tough) adn on the 15th, I had my last paper and it was a killer subject. 

During the exam, on that day..I had this werid feeling IDK why and what is it. I opened up the test paper and guess what? BOOM! I don't understand a thing! My mind was blank, some of the questions given were unexpected and honestly I'm rn really scared that I would fail that paper and most probably need to repeat the subject on the next semester. (I HOPE FOR A MIRACLE. I don't want to study that again)

Yeah, I was already depressed with the test and I was shaking coming out from the exam hall. My father came to pick me up and that moment..it is where the feeing of sorrow came to me. My dad told me that my pet dog, DIED that afternoon. My buddy (Becky), DIED?? I was confused the moment my dad told me that..I was still busy thinking of the exam and now, this news? 

I tried to digest the message in my mind and the moment we were at the main road after picking me up from the campus, I cried. Like, I was sobbing.

I remember feeling EMPTY that moment. I cried thinking back the last moments I had with my dog and it was only the day before I was playing with her at our yard. It was only the night before, I gave my dog her last meal. My best friend....left me while protecting our family. (Why did I this?) it is because once I came home that day My mom already bury Becky and I was told that Becky died because of a snake (cobra).

I felt angry with my self because that morning, I still remember calling Becky for her breakfast and she did't come. I looked for her and she was under our car..she looks weak and I thought she's just tired and I just let her to rest the I get ready to go to my exam. If only I knew earlier that Becky was already attacked by the snake that moring I would do something to treat her. But, NO. I WAS STUPID, I LET HER DIE AND IT WAS ALL MY FAULT. IF ONLY I KNEW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED, BECKY WOULD STILL BE ALIVE THIS DAY. I hate myself till this day, I want to die too. I don;t deserve to live. I've lost my best friend, I'm terible in my studies, I'm a bad human overall.

I feel depressed, empty and useless.. I hate my self, I'm lossing my faith, I WANT to just sleep and NEVER wake up. I have suicidal thoughts. I may looked happy and calm. No one actually knows what I feel inside. 

I'm writing this to let the people know what happened to me and how I feel. Just in case something happened to me in the near future. I don't know what I'll do. Honestly, sometimes I feel like, SOMEONE else is living in my body and it's bad. I keep feeling bad for myself and keep thinking of negative things.

I'm not only upset because of THIS..THIS is actually ONE of the reasons why I'm always over-reacting, over-thinking and later on these feeling get me tired.

IDK what to say anymore..I'm tired, I want happiness..I want peace in my heart and something to fill this empty space. 

Pleace, give me a miracle..I'm begging-