Hi…. I'm here again. 

Today, I have so many thing to talk. About all my thoughts. So please read and if you have the same things and thought like me, please comment. Then let's share our pain together (pain?)

First, about my orientation. So, when I was so young (10 years old), I like seeing my classmate. For me she is sooooo pretty. I can't stop thinking of her and always imagine how to get her attention. Even we was a bit close, all I needed from her not like what I have get. I want more and more. But, I not like my expectations. We are just friend and she was SO NORMAL. And at that time, I DIDN'T KNOW about "there was something name Lesbian". Yeah, I know about a story about that in religion subject but, I NEVER thought that it happened in myself. I NEVER REALIZE it so close in me. 

Then, day by day, a new student came to my school (I was still 10 years old). The new student look soooooo pretty. Really, she was soooo fu*k beautiful with fairly skin. And she older than me. She was in 6 grade and I was in 4 grade. It really hard for me to get close to her. I used my father's position. He was headmaster in my school and my mom was a teacher there. (Swag)

So, when she and some of her friends got a schedule to clean library, I asked my mom permission. I wanna joined too in that team cuz I was looking for some kind of books. And yeah,,, I can enjoyed to see her all the time while she cleaned the library.

But, I was so clumsy. I did a big wrong to get her attention. I was so stupid. At that time, we was in the different room with an high-open window. When she standing up beside the window, I took my glum and put it on a pencil and stone then throw it to her. (So stupid) at that time I realized that something wrong happen. I run then I didn't know what happened anymore. I was so afraid meet her and her friend. But, I ever hear from a friend that she know who do that to her hair and she was so angry. Huff regret always come lately. 

Then, I was in 5 grade, I like my other classmate. I was realized that she look so pretty and feminine, her attitude was more mature than me even I was smarter than her. Yeah but she just is like with my first love. She never know that I fell in love with her.

When I was in 7 grade, Just like before, I fell in love with the first rank girl, fairly skin and she always call me cousin. Huff,,, but I must keep my feeling cuz she was SO NORMAL and in relationship with a boy. Huff…. I keep in for 3 years old without someone know it. Then when we have junior (I was in 9 grade), I meet so charismatic girl. She was my junior in my study Club. She was smart girl and STAR. She also first rank in her grade. So many boys come to me and sent letters to her. Yeah,,, I gave her all letters, one of it from me with NO NAME. Then, she just help me to stop thinking of the first rank girl. Then, 

I tried to forget the charismatic girl cuz I went to Senior high School. But, unlucky I went to the same school with the first rank. So I can't stop thinking of her for 5 years old. Not only that,,, I feel the same feeling to other STAR. She also the first rank in Senior high school. 

(Note: So the first rank in Junior high school became the 4th rank in Senior high school)

But,,,, You know, I never said all about My feeling to them. So, I didn't do anything wrong. I love them all. Yeah,,,, maybe it like PLAYGIRL

AND when I realized about my uality?

Yeah… when I was in college. So, at that time the third day of campus, Accidentally I met with one of my senior high school friend. She came with a girl called Coy. She was so cute+y+fashionable+sporty+pretty.

I didn't know what happens to me at that time. I was so in love with her.

I ever said to her that I love her even she has a boyfriend. I didn't care, I just know that I love her. But, yeah,,, she can't be with me cuz she was not into girl. I need soooo many years to forget her. It not easy. I got my first Anxiety Disorder. I lost my weight 4kg just in 3 days cuz of it (after she said she can't be with me).

I was not stop until that. In my last year in college, I went to her home (it need 4 hours from my place) just for stayed in her home before she get married. Yaahhh nothing happened. I just sleep with her in her bed for one night  and then just company her to go to fixed her wedding dress. It so cute, I pulled her dress' reslating. I acted like a handsome wife for her. Hahahaha…. But, it feel like so hurt. broken heart. It feel like you go to your wife's wedding party as unmeaning ex husband and gave ur wife to another man. But, yeah I just thanks for her has invited me. I can't attend her wedding,so, in early morning of her day, I leave her home. I never see her sit  dais on which the bridal couple sits.

Then,,,, cuz that, I can't accept my self. I just thought that was nobody want to see me? I just love her but she never love me. So, how can I talk to other girl.

But it not happen long time. After realized it just stupid act for 5 years for a girl who has married, I open my heart for a girl. But she stay far from me. We was in relationship for 7 months and when I was SOOOO IN love with her, she cheated on me. She went with other girl and leaves me. How could she do that. She CHEATED ON me. And it like BOOM for me. I got my second Anxiety Disorder. It made me lost not only my weight (20 kg in less than a month) but also some of my memories. I can't remember some story of my life after leaved by her (cheated fu*k) I need 7 years to solve my problems. Anxiety disorder made so much traumatic. It makes me so confused every time I try to open my heart to another girl. 

But then happens again cus I fell in love with a smart girl (again). It not so horor fell in love again. But just I need to improve my abilities in talking because I'm not so expressive in my feeling. 

So, it my story. Next I will continue this story.

As conclusion

I have anxiety disorder (CAD)

I hate CHEATING so much

I'm not expressive about my feeling