Date: Aug 31

Don't really know why I'm writing this blog. I guess I just need to vent out.

There are just so many things I want to vent, but I guess we'll just start from the top. My birthday is today! I feel like I'm nowhere in life. All my friends are graduating from college, getting married, having kids and etc., but yet here I am doing nothing at all. I feel worthless like I accomplished nothing in my life at all. My mentality has been all over the place, sometimes I wake up and don't want to do anything at all. Some days I'll go to sleep wanting to cry. It's been a tough year, I can't talk to my family about because Asian families don't believe in depression or mental/emotional problems. Been trying to reach out to my best friend of 7 going on to 8 years about my depression and problems but all I get are just short replies and the "I'm busy right now, I'll call you later okay and we'll talk okay?" but yet, never does. I mean I get it, she's busy living her own life with her partner but like can't she also be there for me like how I was there for her when she was struggling? Am I asking for too much? For example, I told her the day before yesterday that me and my now ex-bf broke up and that I needed to talk and vent out about it to her and just talk about relationships, etc., she told me that she was tired and that she would call me tomorrow(meaning yesterday because I am currently writing this at 12:36 am on my birthday) and I can tell her about everything, Of course I said ok because I thought she just got off work and is tired so ofc as a best friend, I would want her to get some rest. So I leave her be. Next thing I know, she's out with her friends who she always complains about to me, out drinking and having fun. I mean yeah I was a bit mad because she lied to me about it. All she had to say was that she was gonna go out with some friends and that she'll talk to me later. So me being me, I just thought. "oh maybe it was a last-minute thing and she just went out to go have fun" but no... it's not like that. They have been planning it for a couple of days apparently. So I just brushed it off because there's nothing I could do, right? Then comes Friday(yesterday), I woke up, sent my niece and nephew to school, did chores around the house and then waited. I waited and waited but no call, no text, no message or anything. I then decided to do my makeup to kill time, so I did. I waited for the whole entire day and nothing, then I messaged her. I asked her about her day and etc but not once did she ask me about mine. After that, she just hung up. 

Like is it wrong of me to feel this way? I don't know what to do honestly. I feel like . My depression is just getting the worst of me and know how I am. I'll just go to sleep and wake up feeling worse but hiding it as I've always had.  I feel like I'm a bad friend instead for expecting too much from her. And to whoever is reading this. Thank you so much. 

Again.. Thank you so much for reading and happy birthday to me.