So imma just vent about my life for a few minuets. 

1) My boyfriend and I broke up. I wont go into why we broke up, thats not for the internet to know, but I'm badly torn up anout it. Some of you will know (if you can do the maths) that we were together for over 3 years. He really helped me with my anxiety issues and caise me to actually be happy.  

Its only been maybe less than a month and a half  since we broke up, and i want to be friends with him-he wants the same- but i keep gwtting really jelous of two of his female friends who he has a crush on . Ive told him how i feel-that im still in love but im willing to but it aside, and that i juat want him to have someone who makes him as happy as he made me- he doesnt wanna hear it though... 

My world seems darker without him and I'm feeling my depression and anxiety snaking their way back into my life. I have too many vpices in my head and I'm finding it hard to find the real me in all of them. I really dont have a dominate personality, it changes depeneding on who im with. But with him, I was strong, confident and proud of who i was, now i cant seem to find that Isobel. I feel lost without him and i guess my happiness depended on him because of how much he did for me and how much i wanted to show him that I loved him. 

He still means everything to me but he makes it seem like I'm picking on one of his female friends. She came into his life in November of last year. Then by January they were hanging out more often then i saw him. He told me nothing was going on, made continued attempts to come a see me more often, even planning my birthday- a dinner with his family. Since we broke up, ive encouraged him to talk about his girl problems with me, and he told me that because he hasnt sleept properly, he fell asleep at her house-hes done this before, and she accidently fell asleep with him, it was raining and they were playing video games-but this time she purpousfully fell asleep with ji. And when he woke up he was spooning her. THIS IS LESS THAN A MONTH AND A HALF AFTER WE BROKE UP! Am i right to be jelous? Do i HAVE the right anymore to be jelous? I was upset about it. I am. I didnt like her when he introduced us to each other in december, and her family kept making jokes about how He should dump me and she should dump her girlfriend and the two of them should get together. 

I leave for uni next spetember. I really can't wait, it means I wont run into them on the street if they get together, i wont have to deal with the sick feeling i get when I think about them being together and i can run from my sadness. 

I cant block him or delete his contact from my phone, hes asked me not to. He wants us to talk this out like adults... im finding it hard just to cope. Everything reminds me of him. Song, food, sleep, even my writing. Everything i love has been laced with him... i dont really want to go on, but i know i have to. 

If you have any advice on break ups or just genrally what to do, please leave it in the comments, it would be greatly appericated. 

2) School!! Basically, Im very nearly done.with Sixth form, i have one more year to go after the 23rd of July. I need to be looking at Universities and finding out where i think I belong. 

But thats hard because I dont even think I belong in this time period. Im more of a 1950s kinda gal. 

Im constantly fighting with my family about universities, i wanna be away from our home town but they want me either close enoigh so they can get to me or to stay in London. It doesnt help because im stressed about my exam results and the Problem above. Im not sleeping correctly, im either sleeping too much or not enough. 

I dont know how imma survive the rest of the year. Everything and anything hurts at the moment and im stuggling to eat enough, i can eat my dinner (a full dinner plate size of food) but thats because i often sit with my mom so i cant really not eat. But lunch and Breakfast hurt. 

3) Updates on here. Ive been struggling with writers  block for a while now, and i think its gotten worse. My stresss levels are good. My anxiety is playing up and i just wanna curl up into a ball and die because i cant do the one thing im good at. 

Im sorry this was so sad. I had to get ot off my chest. Ill see you all when I next update the blog or one of my stories. 

-A sad and Heartbroken KJK 

xxx