A Hug, I guess?

Hi, this is random. I mean, it is ok if no one cares, life is a total bull for all of us after all so yeah..If you are in a bad mood please do not read this, thank you. I just want to post this here because I can't hold it anymore. But I really do hope someone can at least, give me a hug or anything. I dont know anymore

This will be a long one.. I am just disappointed with some things. So, yeah, I have been holding this for a long time already and I will just post this one here. because I have no one to share this with. So yeah, I am practically is in a battle with my own self really, and I mean it literally. I hate this thing so much that I dont even know where to start. But yeah, I will try to list down these stuff..

First, I have to admit that I am such an envious person. If you ask me which one of the deadly sins is me, I will say its envy. I dont know why but every time I see someone is doing better than I do, I will start to get envious and start to get either disappointed in myself or get angry without clear reasons. I know this is wrong and I never want to be this evil and negative. It is like I can't seem to control myself over unimportant envious issues? 

The easiest moment when I get envious I can relate to is when I find a perfect and better masterpiece of writing owned by a random person. Like, for example in AFF if I find a damn good and better, flawless story I will get upset. Like, if the author has a very good way of describing things, using big words and beautiful sentences, and also if the story itself is majestic, I will totally get blasted out of this world and be either stressed, left out, sad and discouraged. Well, one of my hobbies is writing, other than drawing. And I love writing more than anything. And when I found someone's story is better than mine it feels like the whole world is telling me that I am just a ty wanna-be writer who is not even a good writer. I know this is a total lame bull, like I am not even supposed to feel and be this way that being envious is the worse thing I should do but I can't help it. Despite myself knowing how bad it is to envy someone over their success, I can't stop doing so, although I hate myself of doing it. No matter how hard I try to be positive, this kind of negativity will surely drag me down again.

I know many people told me in order to improve my writing is by reading other people's stories, learn from them and discover new words. The problem is, I am never the person who loves to read. I am not a bookworm at all. It is so ironic how I love writing but not reading. This is my weakness I guess, lol. Yet, I tried to improve my lame ty writing many times by forcing myself to read again and again. However, the more I do some reading and the more I find their stories beautiful and fascinating, the more dead I feel. It is like I am totally disappointed in myself. Like, why can't I be better like them? Why can't I write as good as they do? Why can't I be like these people? These thoughts reflect the way how I feel, yeah. In simple words, the more I read their perfect stories, the more irritated and angry and sad I will be. I know this is wrong to feel this way but I can't stop myself.

Well, what happen right after I feel this way is this one lame self-loathing. Whenever I find someone else is writing better than I do these ty thoughts will come to me telling me that, "You have no talent dear self, you are below the word ordinary and you are not special. You are just nothing." and these thoughts will discourage me, and irritate me too. I dont know where do these thoughts come from and or what triggers them but I hate them. I know I am just a normal girl having nothing specific or special but I dont need these thoughts to keep on reminding me about that. As a result, whenever I find someone else is better than me or writes better than I do I will feel so negative and I guess it is because that they somehow remind me how worse I really am. And at last too, I keep on torturing myself by forcing myself to read and improve my writing, or when I fail, I will hit and hate myself because of this . I know, I am annoying right? Yeah, I hate me too.

The problem is, I am in the middle of the bridge again. I want to improve myself but I also dont want to do it, like I am trapped in the middle of this decision making. I really hate this because it makes me depressed without logical reasons. And I hate it because I need to focus on my life, not to play with issues. I tried to distract myself from this negativity but I failed. AND, another major problem here is that whenever someone offers help, I will get angry.

I know this is wrong. I REALLY want to appreciate all the help people have offered to me but somehow instead of words of gratitude I often find myself feeling annoyed at these help. It is like, "Dont help me when I dont need help.". But, I am the one who asks for help yet I am the one who avoid those help. I am really confused with myself for real, like I am growing dilemmas of my own. From envious to hatred to annoyance and to confusion, like there are pieces of jigsaw of myself missing. I feel so incomplete yet I dont want to be completed, lol, I am such a loser.

So yeah, I am tired of this envy I have toward better authors in AFF. I mean, I feel like EVERYONE IS BETTER AUTHOR here in AFF and far at the edge is me, a lousy person who claims to be a writer but fail to even write good stories. I know, I know so well that people will say "Your stories are good and beautiful." whenever they leave comments but somehow those comments sometimes are not that convincing. Yes yes, I will be motivated with those comments but as soon as I discover better stories I will be like asking myself, "Are my stories really that good and beautiful?" and I will once again fall into that pit of darkness. .

It is like again I want support but at the same time I also hate support. I am insane.

Look, I dont wanna be this bad, selfish, lame, lousy, annoying and negative but I just can't stop myself. I wish that I never find any better stories and I wish that I can be positive and I wish that I can just feel empty; I dont want to feel things, really.

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Rainypixy #1
Oh, congratulations my friend. You’ve just found out You’re a human. (Not a superman which obviously, you thought you should be.) every and each negative feeling we all have can act as a double-edged sword. Envy is one of them and truth to be told it's one of the most powerful ones.it can either help you crave for more and trigger your striving to achieve the best, or completely ruin your courage and destroy you. So, my point is envy is good if you don't let it drag you down. You should use it as a motivation to get better and achieve more.everyone of us is a warrior, but you, my friend, now have a strong weapon. So use this sword. It can harm you a little bit at first, but you shouldn't let those scars scare you. When you understand how to use it you can eliminate all other competitors.
And did you say lame ty writings?! Did you just insult our taste of fanfics?! By now, I’m completely sure that your stories are quite popular among cassies and you of all should know that cassies are quite hard to please, but somehow you were completely successful to drag them along. So don't say those stuff just because you're tired. I was beta for some writers in LJ and I am now for some here too and believe me when I say all those great writers have these kinds of feelings like being deficient, lazy, lacking and the most nerve-racking feeling is when they complain about being untalented. There is always lacking to everyone and everything in this world and no one is perfect, but when you can write even a chapter and you can drag us with you, the question about your talent is off topic. And let me tell you something, my friend. All those great writers I was or am working with, in LJ and here in AFF is suffering from perfectionism. So the sooner you accept there is always someone better than you, the happier you get and of course more successful.
And there's nothing wrong with darkness. Even in the deepest and darkest part of the oceans, you can find the most beautiful plants growing to reach the sun.
And last but not least, I’ll dedicate my most comforting, passionate and dominant hugs to you if that can ease the pain of confronting the cruel world my friend :* :* :*
Cherrynis #2
Huggssss! Virtually. Well, there is one step that you do here...by admitting all of your weakness. By knowing your weakness or negativity, I'm sure you can overcome this issues. Baby step count! Don't read others work if it makes you feel better. Some might said it ego or running from your problem or arrogant even but it called defence mechanism, really. You do what you have to do in order to survive. By giving yourself time, eventually you can outgrow this problem without realising it. And you can get inspiration for writing not only through reading but painting also a good inspiration medium too...or listening to song will help or watching tv or going places. I don't know if my rambling will makes you feels better but yeah, adult life is kinda messy and difficult... I know how insecure you must've been felt but it growing process. Embrace it and don't let it hinder your growth as a writer or person! You can do it! Baby step! Hehe...love yourself first before other so you can love better. Hwaiting!!!
bacclaeri #3
Well, that is real kind of bull. Not you, but the feeling of rather being lousy and stuff and just plain ordinary. Or did you say under ordinary? But the thing is, what is wrong with being ordinary, or average even? It's who you are; it's what most of us are. Why would you wish to be someone else that you are clearly not? And you know what, claiming yourself as what you claim to be won't help you achieve your dream, your dream of becoming a better author, that is. In order to grow as a better person, you should accept first as who you are, what you can and can't do. There must be alot of things one cannot do but that does't really mean that one won't be able to do it in time. Give yourself a chance and stop wallowing yourself in pity. No one can help you overcome your weaknesses except for yourself. We are only here to guide. And one last thing, lemme give you a power hug.
jcnafaiz #4
Hi... I hope you are fine.
It's 5.30 in the morning here.
I don't think I already started functioning yet ^_^ so I'm sending you 100 vertual hugs... ＼(^o^)／
Have a good day..
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