As a shawol, I don’t know if I have strength go back to writing

I have been missing fanfics these days.

Missing them a lot.

Reading, and specially writing.

It’s been 1 year and half and it already feels as decades had passed.

I didn’t master enough courage up until this week to open AFF and wander through fanfics. Well, didn’t last much, I have to say.

My ultimate couple used to be jongkey and most of the fics I started and finished too. Which led me to the options that was left: Ontae fanfics. 

Not also a good idea since I noticed lots of authors deleted theirs fics since Jinki’s scandal~ 

I went to search for #ontae and right on the third page were my last fics already. I got sad.

Still, I tried one or another. Ontae fics, I mean. And as soon as I saw my angel’s name being mentioned, I felt my still fresh wounds hurt.

I cried so ing much just by reading his name.

So I came to a conclusions that I’ll probably never finish my jongkey unfinished fanfics.

Then I thought I could try writing Ontae again, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep him away from this fic. I mean... I think all of my fanfics have him as a character. The first one I always thought to be a “friend” in any of my Ontae fics was him.

And honestly it destroys me, because I really do miss reading and writing and it’s causing so ing much pain...

Just as SHINee since the tragedy.

What most gave me joy in life, now gives me so much pain and I don’t know how to cope or what to do, because the only thing I had knowledge of easing my misery was always shinee, and I don’t have that anymore.

I feel so lost, like, drowning in a limbo of numbness...

I also thought of giving the plots I came with to some other author, but I realized I’m too selfish for this. I can’t stand imagining someone writing my ideas down instead of me, and in a different way I’d have done. I’m so ing selfish, god.

I also quit my therapist because I felt like she was just my money and not helping me anymore, that’s why I’m here with a blog I’m not even sure if someone will even read.

I bet that most of the people who were active in my days aren’t anymore.

I don’t know if I should try writing Ontae or just quit it for good.

 

Jonghyunnie, what should I do?

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SHIN33ee #1
A lot of your feelings are still with me. It STILL hurts every day. And I was VERY disappointed when so many deleted their Jinki stories because they jumped to all sorts of wrong conclusions.

I also don't understand why so many deleted their stories about Jonghyun. I still read them because it makes me feel like he's still here, even if for a short time. I do not read the sad stories anymore - I really can't handle those. But the ones with a happy ending? They still make me smile. And most days, that's exactly what I need to make it through.

So... know you're not alone. A lot of us are still hurting. Come back when it feels right for you. Know that your readers really appreciate your stories every day. For some of us, they mean the world.
kyoongpinks #2
Hello. I went through something similar yet different after his passing. He was my ult in the group, however I’m a multi and therefore was able to not leave Kpop or fic writing as a whole since I had my other groups. I do understand in a way how you feel though. I haven’t been able to listen to or keep up with SHINee like I used to at all.
That being said, I’m a little worried with the way some of the things being said in this blog are worded. I think you should consider seeking professional help. You said you quit your therapist but you should still try until you find a good enough therapist/professional for you. I’ve had depression for over a decade and some of the sentences in this blog worry me. I’ve gone through more than 3 psychologists in the past decade and I promise you, some of them do help. Not all psychologists may be meant for you, but eventually you could find one that works. So please consider getting help.
This might sound rude but the way you explain how the only thing to give you happiness was SHINee is a bit frustrating. I’ve constantly had the unpopular opinion that a lot of Kpop fans are in too deep with their groups/idols and should find other hobbies and other sources of happiness, and I’ve been shut down by some fans stating that my opinion is wrong and that it’s okay if Kpop’s one person’s source of happiness. But then I see people’s experiences such as yours. In my case, I depended on Kpop for so long to be happy that when I went through depressive episodes as a Kpop fan, it was 10x more difficult to get out of them. Because I depended too much on Kpop. This is starting to get rambly so I’ll just stop here, but I hope my comment does not in any way offend you, and that you can find peace and happiness instead.
Lastly, while many people left the fandom, there are also a lot that are still here, and will wait for you with open arms whenever (and if ever) you decided to come back. I hope you have a good day.
kyoongpinks #3
Hello. I went through something similar yet different after his passing. He was my ult in the group, however I’m a multi and therefore was able to not leave Kpop or fic writing as a whole since I had my other groups. I do understand in a way how you feel though. I haven’t been able to listen to or keep up with SHINee like I used to at all.
That being said, I’m a little worried with the way some of the things being said in this blog are worded. I think you should consider seeking professional help. You said you quit your therapist but you should still try until you find a good enough therapist/professional for you. I’ve had depression for over a decade and some of the sentences in this blog worry me. I’ve gone through more than 3 psychologists in the past decade and I promise you, some of them do help. Not all psychologists may be meant for you, but eventually you could find one that works. So please consider getting help.
This might sound rude but the way you explain how the only thing to give you happiness was SHINee is a bit frustrating. I’ve constantly had the unpopular opinion that a lot of Kpop fans are in too deep with their groups/idols and should find other hobbies and other sources of happiness, and I’ve been shut down by some fans stating that my opinion is wrong and that it’s okay if Kpop’s one person’s source of happiness. But then I see people’s experiences such as yours. In my case, I depended on Kpop for so long to be happy that when I went through depressive episodes as a Kpop fan, it was 10x more difficult to get out of them. Because I depended too much on Kpop. This is starting to get rambly so I’ll just stop here, but I hope my comment does not in any way offend you, and that you can find peace and happiness instead.
Lastly, while many people left the fandom, there are also a lot that are still here, and will wait for you with open arms whenever (and if ever) you decided to come back. I hope you have a good day.
kyoongpinks #4
Hello. I went through something similar yet different after his passing. He was my ult in the group, however I’m a multi and therefore was able to not leave Kpop or fic writing as a whole since I had my other groups. I do understand in a way how you feel though. I haven’t been able to listen to or keep up with SHINee like I used to at all.
That being said, I’m a little worried with the way some of the things being said in this blog are worded. I think you should consider seeking professional help. You said you quit your therapist but you should still try until you find a good enough therapist/professional for you. I’ve had depression for over a decade and some of the sentences in this blog worry me. I’ve gone through more than 3 psychologists in the past decade and I promise you, some of them do help. Not all psychologists may be meant for you, but eventually you could find one that works. So please consider getting help.
This might sound rude but the way you explain how the only thing to give you happiness was SHINee is a bit frustrating. I’ve constantly had the unpopular opinion that a lot of Kpop fans are in too deep with their groups/idols and should find other hobbies and other sources of happiness, and I’ve been shut down by some fans stating that my opinion is wrong and that it’s okay if Kpop’s one person’s source of happiness. But then I see people’s experiences such as yours. In my case, I depended on Kpop for so long to be happy that when I went through depressive episodes as a Kpop fan, it was 10x more difficult to get out of them. Because I depended too much on Kpop. This is starting to get rambly so I’ll just stop here, but I hope my comment does not in any way offend you, and that you can find peace and happiness instead.
Lastly, while many people left the fandom, there are also a lot that are still here, and will wait for you with open arms whenever (and if ever) you decided to come back. I hope you have a good day.
Xyreme_faulkner #5
Hi, I read your blog. Just want to say that, there's still room for you to comeback to the fandom anytime you want, we will welcome you with open arms. So please don't give up and take your time. You can rest if you want to. Have a great one ^_^
jjongshoe #6
Take your time with it.
As a Jongyu author, I personally had a block for quite a long time.
Tbh, the fandom is always here, and waiting to welcome you back whenever you're ready
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