maybe because i've been flitting around many platforms lately, but if there's one thing i realized it's that you can make friends all over the world but most of the time, but you can never replace in real life friends with online friends. i went to a psychologist once because my parents made me and i swear i tried my best not to cry but i did it anyways. i had it all planned out, that i would talk calmly, aloofly (not a word i know) but just not like the teenager i am. i thought i was so cool, that i didn't need a psychologist or anything but i didn't realize i was holding back tears for such a long time. honestly, i can't say i'm depressed or anything. i get upset, i get over it, and sometimes it just comes back to me. i don't deserve medical terms like that because even i know those don't describe my situation. i used to think i had fifty differrent mental disorders and all that and i was such a pitiful poor being. ha. honestly, i was just lonely. i hate people. i can't ing stand them in real life. because they can't seem to understand when i have mood swings, when i'm pms-ing, when i'm reading webtoons that are WAY more important to them. yeah, i know it's not their fault, but i just have difficulty keeping up relationships with other people. The first time i meet them i'll be a ball of energy but if they catch me during the school year in general or something, i promise i will look like the undead and act like it too. it's not their fault because i know i could try harder. i thought i could fill up my life by being friends with people online BUT THEY KEEP ING LEAVING and i understand that. i can't make people stay. but at least in real life i can ask, "why? why do you want to go? will you remember me? and honestly, wtf man?" i can't change people online. i can't make them interested in the video game i chat with them on, i can't make people enjoy fanfiction when they don't, i can't grab them by the collar and talk to them straight because i have no idea who they are, where they are, and why they can't talk to me. i guess it's true that people only show the sides they want online, and that's probably why i found this so much better. in text i can squeal and spasm even if in real life i just want to sleep for twenty four hours straight. but it goes both ways. you can see this as a teen finally realizing she can't change the world to revolve around her, or maybe just another bout of complaining from a person you don't know i mean, anything is fine with me. just wanted to put it out there. cos honestly, i'm so tired to people leaving and i know in the future, more people will leave. they have their reasons and i can respect them, but don't you ever feel just a little disappointed when u see the person who said they were going on extended hiatus still posting in their feed or blogs about people they appreciate because they've still been talking and you're just like, well what about me???? LIKE EXCUSE ME BUT I'VE BEEN WORRIED YOU'VE BEEN DEAD IN A ING DITCH AND CRYING IN BED. that's kind of obsesssive, isn't it? but that's how i feel sometimes becuase i really don't have anyone else. it's pathetic i know. yeah, i'm selfish too but.... sorry i don't even know where this is going. i guess it's a rant or something i don't know i'm just so frustrated that i can't seem to keep a friend for more than a year or a few months. i know it's my fault i just want to know what i'm doing wrong. i'm still stuck between deciding it's completely that i'm too fake in my writing or maybe people are just like that. they just leave and forget. and then i ask myself, do i really care? shouldn't i just try to make friends in real life so being online just becomes a hobby instead of my whole social life. and the answer is, i do care. but maybe i need to care a little less so the next time someone i care so much about just flips off and strands me alone without even knowing anything i can not cry. i'm not talking aobut htis platform specifically but sometimes people just leave and stop responding and you're never even able to ask, why? why would u just disappear? so i was like great, conclusion, stop caring about people online. but wait, HOW CAN I??? i ing love these people even if they don't remember me in the passing so i'm totally, completely, absolutely ed. and for that reason, aff, i declare my undying love for you for being a group of supporting people when i need you and for not being a total , even if i'm just another name who enjoys kpop. ah.

sometimes i think it's just me. is it just me? whose social life is completely online? i figured i can't be the only one like this so i guess my real question is how do you keep people as your friends???? i guess for some people their personalities just let people come and stick themselves by their sides but i don't think i'm like that.

so this is just... idk this is everything i've been feeling for the past six months besides just KAI STOP BIAS WRECKING ME. yeah, these are my true feelings. feel free to think i'm a stalker, over attached, obsessive, whatever i just, needed to get all this out so uh, if you've read all the way here, thanks. <3 and by the way, i'd appreciate any advice or anything you think could help. i'm a bit... lost about what to do.

honestly, there are two people. i won't say how i met them (which platform) but they're out there and i'm so ing grateful they took the time to really HELP me and talk to me even though i'm just a teenager and i know i must have been so hard to deal with so for those few months, thank you so much for putting up with me. they don't remember me and that's totally okay. i'm over it. it's hard not to hate them, to be honest, but i can't change anything and really, i dont' want to. i'm just glad they're still alive and at least semi-active. sometimes i've hated them for being selfish but then i just shake my head at myself because, isn't that kind of stupid? they can be whatever they want and i shouldn't judge them for it. so yeah, thanks <3

TO ALL MY FRIENDS AND ALL OF AFF: thanks for existing guys. it's been an honor and a total blessing to even have seen your work, chatted briefly, or laughed at ur feed/comment. thanks for being there guys, i really appreciate it (EVEN IF I'VE NEVER MET YOU XD) i've been on aff for two years. it's changed my life and myself as a person and ya know what, i'm totally okay with that. so, thanks ^-^ y'all make me really happy.