i lost a friend. i lost a goddamn friend. after not being able to communicate with anyone for more than three months, i had to stay coop in my house, trying to deal with my inner thoughts. before all of this happened, i had a friend. a bestfriend. someone who was there, and understood me like no other. but the moment i had to be away from school to focus on recovering, she never visited me even once, because she wanted to focus on her exams. i really didn't mind cause i understood her, but her friend instead, checked up on me, instead of her. she showed no signs that she cared, except when i told her that i'm getting better, she came over to my house without telling me and started lecturing me for the things i did wrong. she told me to move on from my mistakes, and she told me clearly that i ed up. and yes i may have ed up, but i didn't choose to be like this. i didn't choose my fate and my future, i didn't know things would have ended so terribly for me, how my problems ended piling that it led me to a horrible state, i couldn't even communicate with her not even reply to her messages, and the distance brought her to think that i'm making a whole mistake, and that she shouldn't get involved with a pathetic loser like me. i couldn't even be on my phone during my darkest months,  she didn't check up on me even once. she wanted to focus on her exams, okay cool. i thought she would be there for me at my lowest, but i guess not. i mean, i know better not to expect anything from anyone, even at one point they played the best roles in your life once upon a time. things have to come to an end at one point, but it just ing pains me that i have to witness this painful transition of losing a precious friend because of something that i couldn't control. it pains me. my parents and family never spared a thought on me, all they did is care about themselves, and i feel so goddamn lonely. it's like, people who was once my everything slowly tear themselves away from me, shoving the fact that "i'm the problem" to my face.

it's suffocating, humiliating, it makes me pathetic and it makes me not want to live anymore. i really wished i could overcome this with a smile, but i cant see my good days coming. i feel pathetic.