.............but!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It is only because I need it for some paperwork at job. I have to enter in the order of the biochemists so I need a psychological evaluation my unit cannot provide because we do not have a psychologist. If the things do not look well, I will not receive it. So I have to lie and appear to be well otherwise I will be abused at home and there will be a huge scandal. My mother really wants that. I want nothing but to quit my workplace. I do not want to do something I dislike for forty years. But she will never listen to me. I have told her all sorts of troubles and she will not hear me out really. She will never really do that because she loves money more than anything.  She does not buy anything for herself though! If someone buys her something for 1st march or 8th march if she does not like it she goes and exchanges them at the store for other things or re-gifts them. I on another part I have problems with overspending and using internet too much because it is very much the last bastion of my safety and freedom. I am always late at my job because I hate it.. I am always late doing things because I simply hate it. I am yelling at my coworkers because I am frustrated about very much everything. I feel so blocked out there as well. i FEEL unhappy I have to study screenwriting online by myself alone because they will not allow me to T_T. tHERE IS NO ONE to test me or to recap things with. Everyone is busy. No one actually pays attention to me. T_T All they see is that I got fat or I offended them in some way or that I am scratching my skin (and this is parrot syndrome) but not that I am actually hurt. I cannot really see it in other people as well. It is as if there is a wall between everyone and me, but me and mom stay on the same side but people can reach out to her, but never are able to understand me. I do not know why this is even difficult when everything is all out in the open. My last boyfriend left me because I became too fat and absorbed in my work and graduation paper (which I hated) and sorrows. There are days when I do not find myself beautiful. 

        On monday, I wore a pretty green dress. Nice green animal print sunglasses ^^. but I met family friend who told me I am fat and complimented my non-brand bag telling me she bought something similar to it. Then at the hospital( I work in a hospital) the nurse told me I look good in green but she worded it like ”u green thing u look good XD O.o”

         Oh and whenever I feel unhappy I feel like I need to eat something sweet. Which happens a lot Q_Q. I do feel a bit better then. But after that i will start cussing. 

        Today, I went back to normal to a slob XD ^^

        But i am unhappy I will have to lose this chance of seeing a psychologist because of my mom *cry*