Hey, guys. 

I know. I disappeared for like... how long was it? I don't really quite remember, actually. I have my own reasons. Since Jonghyun's death, I had been so heartbroken. My childhood consisted of SHINee and he was my bias. It hurts to write was instead of is. Do you know the pain of it? Of course, you would. It took me a lot to pull me out of this depression cloud of mine. And, indeed, I did it. 

Jonghyun is always by our side. You did well. 

But, of course. Life is not a life if that's the only test. On April -3rd April 2018- to be exact, gone down for my family. I got a news that my grandpa from my mom's side was admitted to the hospital for there was clotted blood in his brain. Imagine my shock when I heard that. I just got home that time from a practice of choral speaking competition with my childhood friend a.k.a my best friend who rode the same car with mine.

She was worried of me but I carefully crafted my face with blank look - my defense mechanisms when I faced strong emotions all at once.  

My grandpa, even though he always laid on bed for he was aging, never look so weak like the time when I saw him on hospital's bed with oxygen mask. Since my parents were busy when I was a child, my childhood literally spun around my grandparents from my dad's and mom's side. That very same night after I visited my grandpa, I went to a Math's tuition. 

After it ended, I got call from my first sister. She told me to walk out from my teacher's house and headed out to alley that connected with the busy road. I walked with my best friend who rode a bike with his brother. Then, they sped off only to meet something horrifying. I froze at my steps when I saw a familiar car crashed into a big drain. 

My sister got into an accident. That is the only thing played in my mind as I ran to the ruined car. My sister was nowhere at my sight which made me panicked. Only after an unknown man told me my sister was okay that I calmed down. I saw a family of victim but I barely spared them a glance as I ran to my sister. She grabbed me and told me something that made the ground beneath my feet disappeared. 

"Grandpa passed away" 

I didn't even realized when my tears just fell from my eyes. It kind off flowed out. I registered my best friend's warm hand circled around my shoulder, offering a comfort. Even then, I feel nothing. The day kind of blurred until my grandparents from dad's side fetched my sister and I. My second sister was there in the car too with puffy eyes. 

After getting out from the car, my second sister took my belongings before she drew me into her embrace. Right then and there, I just broke down. My mask to be strong cracked and I cried. Sobbed, wailed, bawled. All emotions erupted at once. I was tired. So, so tired of being strong for my family's sake. I was the anchor for my family to keep things calm among my siblings but I was exhausted. 

I went to my room after getting a shower and promptly passed out on my bed without turning off the light. For once, I was scared of the darkness. 

The next day was a blur as we arranged my grandpa's funeral. I watched lifelessly as my younger siblings and cousins kissed my grandpa's peaceful face. He looked as if he was.... sleeping. I was the first one among the older bunch of the grandchildren to kiss his face. My chapped lips landed on icy cold cheeks which was once warm and lively. His lips no longer red but in the shade of blue.

My hand settled on his chest, fruitlessly looking for strong heartbeat. The once proud chest now stilled with no motions. I walked away, giving chance for the others to kiss him. Once a white cloth covered my grandpa's face, tears trickled down from my eyes. It finally hit me. He was no longer here. Never.

There were no sounds of sobbing. I clenched my jaws to make sure there weren't any sounds. I don't want to look weak. Yet, the tears that made its way down my eyes proved how much anguish I held in. It's better this way. No sounds. 

After that, we made funeral ceremony and it kind of blurred that day. I went to school the next day. My friends looked at me, asking me if I'm okay but I couldn't careless. My throat was sore, my nose was stuffed and my whole body was drenched with cold sweats all the time when we were having our choral speaking competition. My best friend sat beside me and said nothing but nudged my shoulder. I looked at her and gave a thin smile.

"I'm okay" 

I'm not gonna lie, guys. It was the hardest moment I went through. I lost my motivation and almost flop my examination but luckily I pulled it off. I have to thank my friends for supporting me especially my closet friends and of course you, my-good-for-nothing-Iona. Although we never meet in real life, your support for me is as real as your fangirling over KyuWook. 

That's why, I will tell you guys, this. I will never stop writing. If you see I'm not updating for a long time, that means I have s I went through. For me, writing is the only escape of life. It's where I can be myself without people judging me. And, I will NEVER STOP writing HunHan, you hear me? I will only stop writing about them when I finish the story. And move on to another new story featuring HunHan.  

That's why, have faith, people. I will write as long as inspiration come to me and my love for HunHan will never die. 

Love,

- Nyreen.