Hi! First of all,I want to say to thank you for those who comforted me 2 years ago. It took me awhile but I have decided to try again for the board exam. I'm keeping my fingers crossed,well technically, I've been reading/reviewing diligently to pass the board exam. But I already gave myself an ultimatum that is, IF I still won't make it this time, I will never try again. It's not because I'm giving up. Or maybe I'm just making this an excuse. Ha! But I'm not gettting younger. I need to look for a career where I will truly find satisfaction.

I'm currently unemployed because my work schedule doesn't really permit me to attend the review class. Although, I asked my family first before resigning and they fully supported me. They said that they are all working and it's my own money, I could use it if I want to.

BUT. . . 

This will be about the "pretense".

Have you experienced meeting your ex with his/her new partner? You're still in love with him/her but you have to PRETEND that you've moved on already?

I just used that situation for comparison. Hehe. 

In the surface area, my friends/ex coworkers said that I didn't look "sad" about being unemployed and my life is well planned already. They even went as far as I don't really need to think of my future cause my family will give me anything I want/need. And because I'm not talkative and active they assume that I'm okay being alone. BUT it is all just pretense. If only they will look deeper they would see, how dark and bleak my inside is. You would see chaos. Uncertainty. Anxiety. I'm good at pretending that certain situations don't bother/affect me but in reality I'm trying to escape the shackles that holding me back.

I'm scared to take risks. I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared of being not good enough. I'm scared of the oblivion. I'm scared to be lonely.

I like my solitude. I like being alone but I also hate it. At times, I wonder what will their reaction be if I get hurt badly. 

Can anybody understand what I'm going through? I don't even know what to do after the board exam.