As of late, I've started to see a therapist. My family told me that they though it might help me after they witnessed me have a serious mental break down. A few sessions ago i told my therapist about how sometimes i get really bad anxiety and she asked if I had ever had a panic attack before.

I answered that i didn't know. I really didn't know.

I've never let my family see me vulnerable other then the day my grandmother away, the day my father passed away, and the day Jonghyun passed away. They only ever see me as happy, mad, annyoyed and other emotions like those. Some days they'll see none of those expressions on my face. Those days when I can't even try to look happy to make them feel like I'm okay. The days I have no expression on my face are some of the bad days, when my family is constantly asking me if I'm alright or if i feel good. I'll end up saying that I'm fine and that it's nothing, I'm just tired. But really, i want to tell them to stop asking me if I'm okay, i want to ask them to leave me alone. I'll just want to lie in my bed with my covers wrapped around me and go to sleep and never wake up. 

I've never really let anyone in, I don't want them to know how i feel because i don't want them to feel bad or worry about me. So of course my family wouldn't have ever seen me when I'm in my room crying and hyperventilating, feeling like I'm going to die as my body shakes harshly. I didn't know what the name for those times were because i never allowed any one to see me like that, so they never were able to tell me what I was experiencing were panic attacks.

The therapist had given me a test and i had to answer each question as yes or no. Almost every question I answered yes.

I'd been having panic attacks. I still am.

Even after i had learned this during that session no one other than the therapist knows that i have panic attacks. I haven't told any one except for my bestfriend who only knows because i had a panic attack while i was on the phone with her and the therapist hasn't told my family either as i told her that i would. I had lied, even now I don't want them to think of me in any way other than they always have, as a happy fourteen year old girl. I know that it's stupid to feel this way but it really scares me. 

The only reason i even wrote this is because I just had a panic attack and needed to let some of this out.