School starts .. last day of break :(

Wow.. I honestly cant believe today is my last day of break. Tomorrow I'm back to the typical college student routine and i dread it! Everything is so tiring trying to keep up with studies, grades, family, friends and hobbies, and just my mental health all together.. it doesnt help either to not have any best friend by your side. In this new uni of mine, I am basically all alone although i do have some classmates friends that I'm close to.. but it just doesnt equavilent to a best friend,you know? 

Back in my old uni, i RARELY get depressed. maybe because i always have my best friend with me. i remember only once i got depressed in my old uni and it was because theres one scene in reply 1988 triggers me.. 

i had such a good time in my old uni and i miss my best friend there. sometimes, it feels sad that i left her . she often jokes that i 'abandoned' her and i could only laugh bitterly cause that's true... its just that familiy comes first and i had to choose my family over friendship... i had to accept this uni im currently in because its a good uni and its cheaper  and closer to my house so i dont have to burden my parents anymore... but so far, i dont enjoy it at all. 

i'm surrounded by smart people , outgoing and confident people, people who have it easy.... they're everything that i am not.. so i cant click with them really well although they are nice.. 

i honestly just keep to myself and joke with my friends that studying here .. i cant really tell anyone truthfully about it, because they'll bring up about how hard it is to enter this uni and that i should be grateful. i am grateful, i am so grateful words cant describe it...but i feel empty.. i dont enjoy studying like i used to in my old uni... now i do believe friends are important...maybe because i hve no friends to count on, i dont have energy to go out and attend classes ( i regularly do) and meet people. i also always go home during weekends or days that i dont have any class... in my old uni, i rarely go back home because we would always go out and eat delicious food, go to beaches, karaoke, drives, shopping... it was honestly so fun ..that was like the peak of my youth.. i was 18,19... that was like the first time i enjoyed being a teen.. i also dont feel any stress in studying and doing assignments cause i do it with my friends... now.. all i feel is stressed..doing assignments, presentations and just attending classes makes me sick... i just hate it so much but i'm just forcing myself to do everything so i can keep up with my grades...i was fake the entire time on campus, i fake a smile, i tried laughing along with them, laughing at things that doesnt interest me just to fit in. its tiring, being fake. once the day is over, i got on a bus, and my smile just fades and i can finally rest after being fake thru out the day.. 

i just hope next sem is better for me... so i can at least enjoy a bit of studying i can score better 

im stressed mainly because i need to keep up with everything, like literally my family's expectation had gone higher and although they arent pressuring me about it, i myself feel the pressure to want to make them happy and satisfied with my achievements , which i failed to carry in my first sem. my grade is not bad , but its not good enough. 

i'm always not good enough. 


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