Hi I'm Divi, and I'm suffering from Depression

I'm writing this, not as I'mloyaltoWonwoo, Hi, my name is Divi and i'm suffering from depression...

 

I'm not forcing you to read this piece of , I just need to get this out of my chest because everything is just too much...I have Social Anxiety disorder, my biggest fear is social interaction, people think that i'm just awfully shy, but it's just more than that. My Social Anxiety disorder started when I was a kid, I have an extremely low self-esteem,  relatives tend to compare me a lot to a much prettier cousin or constantly told me how much they admired my bestfriend for being so smart. I was too tall for my age, I had acne prone skin, I was too skinny, and i'm not that smart ( But I'm a bookworm though). I always tell myself back then that maybe it was just phase, I was a lanky teenager, a naive highschool girl who was going through so much insecurities, I wanted to turn into an adult fast, hoping that by that time, i'll finally learn how to cope with my insecurities...

 

But no...

 

My Social Anxiety got worst after I graduated from College and started looking for a job. As if my acne wasn't enough, I ended up having Alopecia, a hair-loss condition, I couldn't tie my hair because you could easily saw a bald spot on the left side of my head. And because of that, I got first-hand experience of discrimination. the HR staff who was given the task to interview me blatantly asked me if I could do something about the bald spot on my head, they think that the bald spot was too distracting. I felt so helpless, so humiliated that I ended up making up excuses to my mom to stop looking for a job. That incident triggered my Social Anxiety disorder, I dreaded going outside, eye contact makes my hand tremble, i'm having a hard time breathing when I'm surrounded with complete strangers. It's too much that I ended up getting an online homebased job just so I could avoid every.single.one.

 

That was also the same time my depression started. All of my friends are busy chasing their dreams , while me, I'm already an adult and yet, I don't know what I want to do in life, worst, I don't even know if i'm good at something. I avoided my family relatives and my friends because they unintentionally made me feel insecure, I felt so miserable. I started having anxiety attacks. At first, it was just once a week, but now, it happens every single night. I woke up at one or two in the morning, I was crying so hard because I felt so bad about myself, the chest pain got worst , I was sweating so hard. I tried to tell this to my mom, to some friends, but they all told me that it was just a phase, that i'm overreacting, that i'm just acting like a kid again. At first, I thought that I can still handle it on my own, it was so easy for me to act normal, but now, I need help, I don't know how to handle this , I wanted to ask God to just let me die  I don't know how to deal with my depression, I woke up at two am, hoping that I wouldn't wake up. For the first time, I was happy that i'm ill, that my immune system since that would mean I could die soon, I constantly bugged my mom to buy me some sleeping pills because I couldn't go to sleep, when in fact, I just wanted to die from overdose. Sometimes, I wanted to die, but other times, I'm still so scared to die. 

 

AFF is my escape from my version of harsh reality, in a way,  it eases the depression I felt everytime I wrote a story, every time I gained a new subscriber, every time someone wrote a comment...In a way, it made me feel good about myself, at the same time, it pains me that I seek comfort and joy from my readers who are complete strangers, instead of family and friends.

 

So thank you for reading this...

 

I'm scared of tomorrow, I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know how to be happy because honestly, everything is just too much...

 

Sorry if you have to read this ...

 

 

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sebongie #1
Hi divi! i hope your thought go away bc ure one of my happiness! im sorry if im nvr commenting on ur stories bc i nvr used to it so this my first time hehe im so awkward abt this >.< so i want to you to know that with your stories its always makes me happy on my bad day and i wish i can make you happy too by doing this :) hope you get well soon and bad thought will go away easily while you doing the things you like. Take care of your health by taking good foods and lots of jisoos holy water lol lastly not all of things will go with the way we want but there must be reasons it happen to us whether good things or bad things which can make us a better person. Remember that there must be someone alw there for you which is me hehe ^^,!♡
sunflowerpots #2
KAHIT WALA AKO LAGI ANDITO AKO BIBI!!!! Truth be told, it's really hard when it comes to meeting family/relative's expectations especially when you're a Filipino. They're mostly all about success and what you can brag about in your life, what you have achieved etc. and depression is taken lightly, just as you said, they'll tell you it's a phase, that you're overreacting, that you don't need a therapist because it's just an unnecessary 'dagdag gastos'. I mostly stay away from giving advice to people who suffer from depression since even if I experience the same, we don't still feel the same in a way that we are all unique and we all deal differently with what's given to us. So with this, I won't tell or suggest things that you should do to overcome, but really though I hope you do overcome it, maybe not now, not tomorrow, but in the future. Life is beautiful, once you find the ground you feel comfortable in. It , but we need to endure all the negativity to reach a positive outcome.

Remember that I'm here for you, maybe not always, but I'll reply to your messages whenever I could.
elfinitexo #3
Hi divi, i kinda understand you at some point. Im not good at socializing to people too and most of the time im an awkward human being that doesn't know what to do or say to others specially to new ones. i just wanna say that you're not alone, we, your readers and mutuals are here if you want to say and share something like this again. Im happy that you have shared your thoughts and not keep it on your own. Its like a big step for you to socialized isn't?? Congratulations! And yeah, i kinda agree to most of here, you have to seek for someone who is professional that can help and understand you more. And please, don't ever think of giving up. You are stronger than you think. And if you feel that you are unloved just remember that God loves you, keep your faith stronger. and a little correction to what you'd said, you are beautiful don't ever forget that 😍
sleepingprince #4
Hi there . I just want you to know that you're amazing just the way you are. You're a strong fighter and there's no need for you to feel inferior to other in any way. Your appearance doesn't define who you are . True beauty comes from within. I really don't and can't understand , how certain people like the interviewer can be so rude and ignorant . There's nothing wrong with it and you never have to shine down just because of that hurtful remark. It reflects on them not you. I'm sorry that you have to go through all of this when it shouldn't be a problem or issue because it certainly does not interfere with your work . Shame on them . I hope that you never have to face thing anymore . As for your social anxiety and depression , I think you should definitely try to seek for help from a therapist / Phychiatrist . Please know that you're not alone . Everyone here in the community are cheering on you . This life is worth fighting for .. One day , your future self will thank you for not giving up. No matter how hard , please never give up hope . Miracles do happen and I believe that good things will happen to good people . It takes time , and usually your darkest / hardest moment is when you'll learn to understand yourself better and find your passion . Multiply your faith , seek comfort in God , try to make yourself happy . Erase all the bad past , and create new happy memories. Take small steps at a time . Do small errands like buying groceries , take a walk in the park , simple greeting to your neighbor / people around ,will slowly help you to cope with your anxiety. I hope that you'll feel better soon . Take good care and know that you're amazing. You never have to change yourself because of anyone. You never have to fit in those crazy beauty standards . If it helps to boost your self esteem , you can try to see a dermatologist for your acne. Sometimes , it's due to hormones . Try not to take oily/ greasy food . Don't take too much sweets and chocolate . Drink lots of water , eat balance diet , exercise regularly and wash your face with correct product that suits your skin.
Karamel18 #5
Diviiiiii what I hate about this is that I can't relate so what I say might sound stupid or that I don't understand and to be honest I can't fully understand mental health because I don't suffer from it but I want to be able to understand!

You should see someone one about it and be able to talk to someone who genuinely cares about your issue, you deserve to have someone who will listen to you and help you all the way. Instead of all the bad things you've come up with, try and think about all the good things instead like you're an amazing writer (you're still loyaltoseokmin in my head hehe) and people on here look forwards to seeing your stories and updates, focus on these things that make you happy because when you're happy it also makes others happy. The negative things aren't important and with regards to you finding a job, it's stupid of those people to say about a bald patch on your head, what about the people who are completely bald? They're just as much as a distraction in my opinion! But don't feel like you need to die or disappear from life because of some insignificant people and I know you probably hear "it's going to get better" or "you'll be fine" a it but trust me, it will! You need to believe in yourself in order to overcome all of it, and when you do, I'm sure it'll feel live the biggest achievement because you proved the people wrong who were mean to you.
No ones deserves to feel the way you do, you have all our support on here, we're an online family and fellow carat~♥️
17lovejeon #6
hi divi :)
pls dont think about dying. (though i myself frequently wanted to just be banish in this world) im a social introvent...im shy and scared but other people mostly misunderstand my timidness for being stuck up. i feel depress for not able to express my emotions, when people insults and make fun of me and theres no one i can tell it about bcoz im scared they cant understand and judge me more. i always act that heres nothing wrong. but reading here in aff makes me feel that im traveling in other dimensios. your one of my most favorite author here in aff.
i love your stories. I admire how well you able to write all those wonderful stories, reading it make me feel lots of emotions. your stories give us happiness i wish we can also able to give you the happiness that you have given to us. lets fight depression together. ❤❤❤
Putrimy #7
God god god god god!!!!!
Gotwice517 #8
Please go see a counselor or something along those line for help! They can help u out of ur depression. Your life is worth it no matter what ur family or relatives say,.. ur beautiful in and out and no one can say other wise. It also doesn’t matter if ur the smartest or the prettiest but yeah it would be nice to be both inside I know u have an amazing heart,.. so please ur life matters to everyone,.. ur friends, family ( even if it doesn’t sound like it ) , And especially ur family here on aff❤️
EmptyTinkerbell #9
Go see a psychiatrist.
I can understand you in small way. I have anxiety disorter linked with social phobia. For years I was struggling with going out of my house, but the last year was horrible to be. I, as well, wished to just die, because I just couldn't bear it all. I couldn't go out of my house to school, because it usually ended with panic attacks, pains, cries and struggles. I was afraid to fall asleep, because I knew that I will wake up the next morning. And indeed I did; at 5 a.m., trembling, feeling suffocated, and just wanting to finally die.
Then, my aunt went with me to a psychiatrist. I was weeping in front of the office with the corridor full of people. But once I talked to the psychiatrist, I went out from the office smiling. Smiling! And I was prescribed with medicines. Now, almost half a year later, I can go out of my house without worry. I'll be going to my dream school in a month. I can live.
Sure, it took time. Sometimes, I still have an acts of anxiety still working its way to the world. But... But I didn't lose hope. And I find it the most important when you have a mental disorder. You can't lose hope. There's so many people who struggle as well, but don't know how to seek help. But you never walk alone. You're not alone, Divi.
Asd_qwerty #10
I hope you know na there’s someone na kinikilig sa simpleng pag update mo! Cheer up baby~ you’re beautiful inside and out *wink wink*
Arraseyeo #11
Hi.
You know, we as your ( lovely *giggle*) reader, to be able to read those wonderful stories is happiness to us. You bring us happiness.

There were times when I had very bad day . And end up laughing to your funny story until my jaw hurt and forgot that I had a bad day.

I just wanna say thank you. For being you.

❤

Ps : imloyaltoWonwoo approved.
Have a nice day.
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