today was especially hard.  i can't sleep.  i cried a lot.  i feel like something has broken inside of me.  it is good that i acknowledge these feelings, that i force myself to feel them instead of burying my heart under the distractions of work and school.  feeling my feelings is so painful.  i want to cry on end for this loss that has torn something out of me, something i didn't even realize i was connected to until it was taken.  i feel absolutely ripped open.  in four or five hours i will dry my tears, slap on a smile, and face another eight hour shift during which i must pretend that the world hasn't cracked. 

sometimes i walk through the city and i wonder how many other people are silently mourning the same thing as me, as us.  i wonder if they come into the store where i work, if we smile at each other and share in an artificially saccharine transaction, if we're both aching on the inside from the same wound.  i wonder if we're everywhere, rubbing shoulders and hiding our hurt because the sun is out and we're not allowed to mourn on the clock.  i bought a lot of chocolate for my co-workers today and i shared it with them.  i think it made them happy, which i hoped would make me happy.  it doesn't matter.  the numbness has given way to every break in my heart and it's three in the morning, so of course it's time for me to shatter because i'm alone in this room and it has only ever been between these four walls that i'm allowed to be sad. 

it was really hard today.