Its been a long time since I'm posting any blog here but i need to let my feelings out or i can go crazy.

Surely the whole world already know about the death of an angel we loved so much...Kim Jonghyun. I am fully aware that everyone is mourning and so do I. I may not be a big Shawol but I do love Shinee with all my heart. How can i not when they're one of the first group i fell in love beside tvxq?

Today is the fourth day since he passed away and I somehow still in denial. I tried to accept the reality but its not as easy as i think it is. The more I try to accept it, the more I cry and praying so hard its not true. That Jonghyun is still here....

I keep blaming myself over what happend...how can as a fan, i didnt notice his tired voice, the voice of someone giving up? His empty gaze...his desperate silent cry asking for help... I feel so stupid and frustrated that no one is able to reach out to him in time. 

For someone who survived a very deep depression, I understand how Jongyun felt and that is what makes me more sad and kept crying... I'm just... I'm mad at myself...So mad that I can only cry desperately and blaming myself for being a useless human being and fan...

Losing Jonghyun so suddenly was such a big hit I've ever faced in my life. A few minutes before I learned the news, I was all happy and relaxed with my friends when suddenly one of my friend said, " why r u so happy today? Dont laugh too much or you will be crying later." And it happend. I cried for hours and days now and i will keep crying whenever I let my mind filled with the thoughts of Jonghyun.

Losing Jonghyun will be a deep, huge and painful scar in everyone's life. Just thinking about it make my heart aches painfully. We can keep moving on with life but even with time, this scar will never disappear...it will heal but the pain will always be there haunting us.

My fellow Shawols who followed the death of Jonghyun, its never the right decision but in this situation, everyone's judgment was clouded by sadness and grief. May you rest in peace and please accompany our angel so that he's not alone anymore.

For Jonghyun oppa,

Oppa...my apologize will never make up to how you have been suffering all these years but I now know I will never stop apologizing for everything you have to go through. Watching you realising your dream was a huge happiness for yourself, me and all of Shawols and those around you but then you start regretting for being known to the world.

Your dream is beautiful but it hurt my heart when it turn to this tragedy. No one understand your pain and sufferings and you're stuck in the darkness that you said you don't know how to turn it into happiness so you chose to be in peace forever.

If this make you happy and finally be in peace, I will pray you will never have to suffer anymore. That you will be happy in heaven. But please look after us from wherever you are because you are our angel, our lights. Look after us so that we will continue live right and realise our dream.

You said to never cry over the loss of your beloved people but I'm sorry oppa... I can't stop crying over the loss of you..how can I when your voice and beautiful laughs is ringing in my ear the whole day?

I want to be strong so that I can let go of you peacefully but this heart and brain of mine is refusing to do so because the pain is too much to handle. But today I will be strong so that I can say goodbye to you with a smile because I'm sure you don't want to be parted with sad face and tears so now I'm holding back my tears and smile just for you. /take a deep breath, wipe my tears and smile/

Please be happy wherever you are now. You've did well. May you rest in peace, Kim Jonghyun. 

Goodbye, angel. You will always be loved by many.