Jonghyun’s death has been very upsetting to me.

Not because I’m devastated to see him go, but because I, myself, am depressed.

It’s making me think a lot of things; reevaluate a lot of things.

A lot of people were angry at Jonghyun when his suicide letter was revealed.

I was not.

I was heartbroken, but I understood.

A lot of people are looking for someone to blame, lashing at doctors and antis, but it’s nobody’s fault.

Jonghyun tried to fight his depression, he tried so hard. He tried to get better and he failed.

It’s not a doctor analysing his brain or people being nicer to him that could’ve mended the wound inside his heart.

People who are sad because he's gone, people who are angry, people who were trying to get him to hang on,

I’m sorry to say it, but you were doing that for your own sake.

So that you didn’t have to suffer the pain of him not being there.

For him, to stay, just so that you wouldn’t be unhappy, caused him to live in unhappiness.

I think it is difficult for people not suffering from depression to understand that.

You can't "fix" us just because you want to.

You can't make us better just with goodwill.

I’m a person who has never really been happy in my life.

The times when I was happy were usually due to a person in my life, who ended up making it more miserable as he left.

I always based my happiness on other people. My mom always told me it was wrong.

She always said, “you can’t be happy with someone if you make your happiness depend on him”.

She was right of course. Eventually, I had enough of being hurt so I just stopped dating.

That way I stopped depending on others for my happiness.

I am better, but I am not happy.

A few months ago, I was forced to give up the last thing that brought me a bit of happiness.

I was forced to leave the place that had become my home.

It is loved ones who made me do so. Telling me that it would be better;

For my own good.

Wanting to please them; Wanting to believe them, I agreed.

It caused me to fall into the biggest dark hole I have ever been in my life.

It is my biggest regret. That I allowed myself to be swayed to leave.

I was not quite happy there, but here it is infinitely worse.

I was sent to a shrink. I was put on happy pills.

My mom desperately wants to “fix” me.

She's a rational person, she thinks there's a solution to every problem.

I know there’s no fixing me though.

After several trials and error, I was put on pills that “work”. They make me not sad.

I can function as a normal human being now and can look people in the eye without starting to cry.

They work so well that if I watch a really sad movie, I do not cry.

When I heard about Jonghyun’s death, I did not cry.

I can’t cry, I don’t feel sadness. I’m aware that something is sad, but it doesn’t really affect me.

I am numb.

I’ve lost my job, my life, the things I loved…

There isn’t really a way to get them back.

Now I work a job I don’t care about, live a life I don’t care about…

Just to pass the days.

There is no point to my life, not really.

There is no goal, there is no hope.

When I think about the future, I can’t see it.

When I think about being old, I can’t imagine it.

Even if I go back to Japan or Korea for a few years, it will only be delaying the emptiness that lies beyond.

I have always told people not to worry about me committing suicide because I am too scared of death.

I still don’t think I would, but after reading Jonghyun’s words, I can understand why he did it.

For me, it has not gotten to the point where it is so unbearable that it seems to be the best option,

But I know that I am definitely still here only for other people.

My mom constantly tells me that she would be so upset if I died. So I feel guilty.

I always feel guilty.

It is my guilt that stops me from ending a life that has no point.

I am not happy. I am really, so not happy. But, maybe, differently from Jonghyun, I have a power,

That I can live inside my head and ignore it.

Sometimes I am so good at ignoring it that I forget it.

And I can be ok, for a little while.

It’s only when I stop to think about it that it hurts.

I am still here, for now.

I don’t want you to “be there for me”.

It's all just bull because really, there's nothing you can do and you don't understand.

Just be my friend and pretend all is fine.

Distract me from my miserableness for a little while.

There is no cure, so stop trying to fix me.

I think we were just born wrong.