Sometimes you cant understand people. Either they will comfort or judge you but the truth is they chose to judge what you feel of being oa of something that breaks your heart. Crying over an idol who doesnt even know you exist? It hurts knowing that those person who you wanted to share your feels with dont understand you. Literally. And thats whyyou just decided to keep this to yourself. Im in tears since the day i knew about Jonghyun's death. I never called myself as a shawol but honestly, i love every kpop groups. I stan them all. Though its not obvious. It breaks my heart to the point that you feel so lazy and you cant deal with anything right now. I feel so sad. Jonghyun and i are probably the same. Depressed. He's not talentless nor lonely. Millions of people loves him. And me? Only few people cares about me, who appreciates me for what i have and what i am. Actually no one because i barely talk with people, i mean im not sociable. Maybe an anti-social? I love making friends but they ended up leaving me hanging. Thats what i am scared of. My friends who can handle me at my best but they cant handle me at my worst. And that moment when you wanted to share your problems, they also ended up judging you. Telling you that you do self pity. Idk if im an ambivert ot introvert person but i prefered to be alone.

EXO-L Helpline is probably annoyed already to me.

For me, im a good friend. Im a thoughtful person. Its better to give that to receive right? I dont ask for any exchange. All i need is a friend who wont leave me behind, but its kinda impossible.

I dont need sympathy nor empathy. Sometimes i thought of killing myself? Im afraid of death but i also want to know if they will be afraid if i die? Or they'll be happy? Or they wont care about it? People nowadays are so unpredictable. You dont know if they really care about what you feel or not. You dont know if they will stay by your side if you're feeling sad.

Anyhow, i just want to share this because i feel so lonely. Expressing my feelings is enough though i cant express into words properly.

If you're reading this. Lets be friends forever.

- soda