R.I.P SHINEE jonghyun , you were a kind soul that hovered the kpop industry 
i spent yeaterday going through jonghyun’s quotes and misery, he was in real pain and suffered much -  i hope he’s in peacful place now 

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how much it hurts for yonghwa ?


when a colleague who shares same profession same city same public events and same dreams in life as YOU commits suicide .. 

the someone who went through the exact same troubles , the never ending judgement and high expectations from all those around you and him 

the someone who couldn’t stand it and gave in , he couldn’t fight those ugly demons of depression anymore , he didn’t want to shed tears no more so he gave in .. to rest ..


just then .. you get to question your own choices in life , the one you have made and the one you haven’t made , why are u still going on while he didn’t , do you even trust yourself to make it until the ending line and who knows what’s exactly this ending or wether it exists in the first place ! 

is your happiness really around the corner so you need to hang on for a bit or is that all a joke ! your days and miseries will just repeat themselves in endless circle ..

you’ll question your physical strength and sanity , nudge you heart and wonder wether it will finally pull itself together or break down soon ..

because you also crave to rest soon .. 


it’s a scary game , and you’re the only one to decide how it ends .. this damn life .. is your game 


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well , i wrote this note today for two reasons 

one , there’s almost those who don’t believe yonghwa might be sad for his friend loss , questioning his bright face yesterday and how he skipped the funeral to catch up with his japan concert today .. 

they question how is he not crying bloody tears and how strong is their colleague bond to begin with if he’s that chill .. well rest assured , 

yonghwa got his mind restlessly thinking about how to keep up with this fame world without drowning in the depression that killed his colleague ..

and it must be hard for him to be in this state of mind while performing a concert today .. 


and my second reason to write this ; is that my colleague committed suicide last week .. 

i barely knew him but we shared many things as mentioned above .. after going through the same physical & mental stress we both suffered for the last several months in our career 

in fact .. when you are so tired and sick yourself , you’ll consider his doing is almost out of ....******* ..

( depression trigger so i’m not telling you ^_^ ) 


so i kinda understand how it feels for yonghwa in the moment .. i know what kind of thoughts might be filling his head by the moment ..

i know and i pray for him to find his peace of mind ..

i’ll pray for Kim Taeyeon and Lee jonghyun too