I've thought a lot about this.

I've started writing because of my love for SHINee. Because I had so many ideas of stories running through my mind and I wanted to write them down. Stories where the main characters were 5 special boys that I don't know personally and yet I feel like they are my closest friends. 

They were with me on my worst moments and made me smile. I've cried with them, I've smiled, I was at the top of the world and vice versa. I found a family because of them, I found something to look forward to, something that made me travel all the way to the other side of the world.

I wrote once to Jonghyun when he left Blue Night. I thanked him. I'm so glad I did and I told him why I became a shawol, why SHINee and he were so important to me. I'm not sure if he ever read my letter but I told him that I would do my absolute best to travel to see him since I didn't see him at Kcon back in 2016. 

This year I did it. I went to Japan. Sadly my heart ached because Onew wasn't there but I told myself I would focus on my other four special boys, especially on Jonghyun because I promised him, because he was my second bias, because If Onew has one side of my heart, Jonghyun has the other.

I don't regret going. On contrary, I feel blessed that I did. That I had a last chance to see him and scream his name, to cheer for him. I'll never forget how cutely he ran during Your number, acting as if he was running from the rain, how playfully he played with the other members. I wish I cheered more, I looked at him more, loved him more those two days. I wish we had more time...I wish he had more time...

Jonghyun is like me in so many ways. This loneliness inside us that aches, the melancholy, the overflowing emotions, our introvert tendencies. I saw on his words and actions the strength to keep going. It's ok to cry, to be sad, he said before, to let yourself fall into sadness. It's ok. Slowly I think that I became happier knowing that I wasn't alone, that what I felt was normal. However, he didn't. He never hid what he felt, he searched for help but something failed and the person that gave me and so many more, strenght is now with us only in our memories and in our heart.

I'll never forget him. I will try to find strenght in his  words like before. He will never be forgotten and I hope that someday when I think of him because of a cute puppy, because of the rain falling outside my window, a candle or because of the moon or anything really...I will smile. 

I want to remember him in the moments he seemed genuinely happy, those moments when he wasn't in pain. When he was with his mother and sister, when he was with his friends, when he was with SHINee or on stage with us playing his kazoo, enjoying and sharing the music he wrote with us. Moments when I'm sure that for a while he could smile and forget how tired he was body and soul.

Now he can finaly rest.

I refuse to speak about Jonghyun in a past tense. I dont want to let him go. I want him to stay forever with me. I'm selfish, but I prefer it this way. Maybe because it feels unreal, maybe because I don't want it to be real.

From now on...I was making plans to see you again. I was going to book my flight...I was going...

From now on...there are four special people suffering, needing double the love they needed before. I will stay with them. Whatever happens I will. 

SHINee will forever be Lee Jinki, Kim Jonghyun, Kim Kibum, Choi Minho and Lee Taemin. And nothing will change that. 

Maybe tomorrow SHINee won't be able to step on stage anymore or maybe they will, alone or as four. Either way even if I cry ( it's ok to cry) I want to be strong for them. I'll do my best to always support them. I'll cherish them more than I ever did. I can't imagine losing Jinki, Minho, Kibum or Taemin. I can't lose another friend.

As I said I gave it a lot of thought and I will keep writing. I will try, I will do my best.

I'll do it because it's something that makes me happy and I  want to be happy, more than ever I want to be happy. I can't really let go of writing.

I could write about original characters, I could try but I don't know about who to write if not SHINee - at least not now. They are absolutely my inspiration. 

I'll do it because it is something I have in common with Jonghyun. Because It's his songs that often play when I write, because I feel closer to him when I do.

I'll do it because when I write I have the power to change the fate of my characters.

The Kim Jonghyun of my stories is only a faint copy of the real Kim Jonghyun. He is a character that sometimes shares traces of who Jonghyun is. The same goes for all the other SHINee members. My characters can never represent these five human beings that made me so happy these last years, they will never have all their colors, flaws and virtues. However, I've always tried hard to keep sides of them faithful to the owners of their names. And following that principle, I've tried hard to give them the happy ending with all the happiness I've wished for them in real life. 

The Kim Jonghyun from my stories will always have a happy ending, he will always be happy no matter what. I'll protect him, I'll protect all of them like I was never able to protect the real Kim Jonghyun.

Sadly I dont have the power to rewrite real life. 

If I did, he would be having dinner with his mother and sister, he would be cuddling with Roo, dating, building a family, teasing us on Twitter, singing with SHINee forever before an ocean of shawols, growing old, being loved and healthy.

Thats why from now on I'll finish the fanfictions I started, I will give Jonghyun from my stories his happy ending, I'll give him all that the real one didn't manage to attain in life.

I'm not sure about possible new stories. I'm not even sure If I will be able to finish these ones. I havent tried writing yet...I'm no sure if SHINee will continue. Right now I'm not sure of anything.

I understand if you won't read them. I know it must be painfull to do it now or ever. I don't blame you and I know that most probably I'll be writing to myself. 

It's going to be a lonely journey and I will be happy with only one reader but I understand that many of you can't go on with me on it. 

I only feel that I need to do this, if not now, then someday. I can't let my characters stuck in time, unable to reach their happy ending. It feels....wrong. My stories keep going on in my head and my body tells me to write (I've been writing small things for Jonghyun only) but my heart aches because I wasn't sure what to do. 

I hope I can do what I've decided now, and if you are still on that side I hope that reading it makes you smile not cry.

That you can see my Jonghyun as a possible Jonghyun in another alternative being happy and that makes you feel better somehow.

I'll work hard.

Thank you always ~

Lili