Hey you out there. 

Today my day ended several minutes after it started. The sun didn't even come up. Instead... it decided to never come up again. 

The sunshine of my depresion, the person who brought me into K-pop (and so also into my love i feel towards korean food language and tradition), my idol and my helping hand, decided to leave the world this morning almost 24 hours ago. My heart broke into two pieces and I still can't believe what happened. 

.... I can't be. 

I found so many korean friends, even being able to speak another language.. I would have never thought of it's possibility. So many beautiful people I've met so many people who respected me for respecting their culture and country...

9 years ago.... I stumbled over Shinee and I fell in love with the band and music as well with the language and I started buying books counting every single penny, since I am from a very big family with almost no money. I strated working to buy more books and study the language correctly, all in order of the dream to meet the man who pulled me out from my dark place and brought light into my life. All i wanted to tell him, was that I was thankful for him to exist. 

ah... it breaks my heart... I had it hard in life...I sunk into debts while working..and my dream of meeting him got further and further away, while I watched my friends visiting his concert I sat at home telling myself that my time will come and that I will be able to tell him how thankful I am. I ed into believing that. And now... after 9 years... not making it to any of his concerts or being able to even be in the same country i break down in sadness. 9 years have been too long. I didn't make it... I am sorry Jonghyun. 

I am really sorry. For knowing how lonely you felt how lost and empty. And I wish you had someone like I had in you. A helping hand that lifts you up when all you can see is darkness. 

Thank you Jonghyun. You gave my life a new direction. 

Rest in peace.