I have no words to describe how I'm feeling at this point.

SHINee had been the first kpop group I've listened to, which introduced me to the rest of the kpop world. 

Jonghyun had been my favourite member.

The news.. Oh God. My first reaction was to believe that it's a joke. It had to be a joke. 

And then I found out what happened, and why it happened and I'm honestly shaken. 

Depression. Screw depression.

Around a week ago, I'm not sure if any of you who's reading this are the 14 people who actually read my blog post (that I've just deleted a few days ago), but I had expressed my entire feelings for everything in it-- my frustration and upset and the constant nagging in my head that lead me to think thoughts one should never think of. I've had an inner conflict with myself that what I've been feeling isn't depression, but just an overexageration in my head, that everything happening is for the good and that "I'll get over it eventually". 

That's the thing with mental health issues these days. 

I find it a common trend these days to take mental health lightly and as a joke. There's been many tweets these days saying how "Everyone is depressed" or things alike. I'm not sure for others, but to me, seeing all that had lead me to believe that I'm just one of those students who's just going through that phase in school due to stress and school work and whatnot. 

Two times. 

Ever since I've posted that blog post, I've tried talking to my friends two times and left hints for them to come ask me if there's anything wrong. 

I've seen so many tweets asking people who's triggered to go off twitter and talk to a friend or family or just someone, and if I have to be honest, I'm just annoyed. 

It's so easy to tell someone to talk to others about their feelings when in reality, it's really not ing easy. Call it fear, or whatever, but it's just not easy to let out the feelings buried deep inside. The feelings I so badly want to ignore. That's why I've never directly spoken my feelings to my friends.

In all honesty, I really do want to speak to someone about my feelings, but again, it's not easy. The words just don't come out the way I want to.

The first time I tried hinting to my friend, I just started of by saying how frustrated I was the past few days, how everything everyone did pissed me off and how my parents are just making me go crazy. My friend's first response was to ask if I was on my period, which was long over. And she just responded with a "Then why are you feeling this way...?" It wasn't like a negative tone, but just a curious tone. And at that time, I so badly want to tell her everything, but I just couldn't. The conversation dropped and she didn't ask me about it again.

The next time I tried telling another of my close friend, I just told her straight out that this school semester has me feeling so depressed, but it kinda came off as jokingly? I think what she thought I meant was that school was just stressing me out, because she just laughed and said "same", and that we just have to survive 3 months more till we graduate.

... Yeah. 

Ever since, I just feel like giving up talking to someone even more. The only reason why I'm writing this and why I wrote my previous blog post, is that here, I'm kind of anonymous. Anonymous in a way that no one that I know, knows that I use this site. Even just my previous blog post, I kinda feel ashamed to have posted it, afraid that people would judge me. 

The whole thing with Jonghyun... God.... It just breaks my heart so much. Someone who's made thousands of people happy with his music, had been going through such a rough time that no one could understand that he had to resort to another way out.... 

If this were years ago, I would've said that "I wish he would have spoken to someone and get treatment" or even "He has so many things to live for, why this?" But growing up, I realised that in reality, it's really not that easy. I'm pretty sure it was already a huge feat for him to tell everyone about his mental health, and honestly, telling people you have a mental illness doesn't make it disappear. It's like a demon living inside of you, whispering words and telling you to do things you might regret.

You have no idea, whenever I'm at my lowest point, how many times I've stared at a kitchen knife sitting on the table, at my ceiling fan, or at the view from the very top floor of the building, and thinking how it's just so easy to stop all these feelings I have. As a religious person, I personally use my religion as an anchor to not succumb to all these thoughts because I believe it's a huge sin, but it doesn't necessarily stop the voices, if I'm making sense..

I'm posting this without reading through it because all these is how I feel about this situation.

To Shawols out there, especially to those who's been there from the start, don't stop supporting SHINee. They need all the support they have at this sad moment, and just know that Jonghyun is no longer suffering. He may be gone, but it means that he's gone from the suffering as well. We all wished things could've been better but... 

I don't know what I'm saying right now. 

Condolences to everyone affected directly and... Rest in Peace, Jonghyun.